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| | The ()()()__FuFa- FUlly FAaltoo NETWORK__()()() Network is not currently active and cannot accept new posts | | Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | Views: 16700 | | Mar 13, 2006 7:22 am | | Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | The new thread to post all the Jokes you get as forwards
This will allow the board space to be utilised more effectively
Happy Joking
Lage RahoPrivate Reply to FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Mar 13, 2006 7:30 am | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what,
young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,
meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!Private Reply to FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Mar 13, 2006 10:01 am | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
RAJAN ADVANI | | The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Private Reply to RAJAN ADVANI | | Mar 13, 2006 7:20 pm | | re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
R. Nelson Fernandes | | of course rajan, it must have been very taxing for the
lawyer to spend three nights in a row with valerie.
btw, a great way to pay one's taxes.Private Reply to R. Nelson Fernandes | | Mar 14, 2006 10:06 am | | re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Lavanya Karalkar | | One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct"
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Tejas, come up here and I'll give you the $20." As the teacher was giving Tejas his money, she said, "You know Tejas, since you're Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Tejas replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business
Private Reply to Lavanya Karalkar | | Mar 14, 2006 10:23 am | | re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
upinder Kaur | | Tutor: Tell ur da's full name in English..
Boy: Its Mr. Butter Red Male Underwear.
Tutor: Are you trying to be funny?
Boy: No
His name in Hindi is Makkhan Lal Chadda..
Private Reply to upinder Kaur | | Mar 14, 2006 10:26 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
upinder Kaur | | How amazing!!
A mother makes her son " Intelligent" in 20 Years, But a girl makes him "Stupid" in 2 Minutes!! Private Reply to upinder Kaur | | Mar 14, 2006 10:28 am | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
upinder Kaur | | Aaj us khuda ki shrarat samajh aai, is dharti per aapki hakumat samajh aai, Aapko dharti per bhejna us khuda ka bhana tha, kyunki ravan ke baad kisi ko to aana tha.. Private Reply to upinder Kaur | | Mar 14, 2006 10:37 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
upinder Kaur | | Maine usko salaam likh bheja, Haal-e-dil tamaam likh bheja..
Maine Poocha tere honth hain kaise, usne 'mehkashi ka jaam' likh bheja...
Maine poocha baal hai kaise, usne 'kudra ka inaam likh bheja...
Maine poocha kab hogi mulakat, usne 'qayama ki shaam' likh bheja...
Maine poocha itna tadpati ho kyon, usne 'jawani ka inteqam' likh bheja...
Maine poocha nafrat hai kisse, us 'zaalim ne mera naam' likh bheja...
Private Reply to upinder Kaur | | Mar 14, 2006 10:52 am | | re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
RAJAN ADVANI | | Nelson--- 3 days is nothing--how does one spend an entire life with a wife?--thats taxes till death!!?? Private Reply to RAJAN ADVANI | | Mar 14, 2006 11:12 am | | re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
RAJAN ADVANI | | Four nuns are standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.
"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.
"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.
"Why did you push ahead in line?" asked Peter.
"Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!" replied the nun.
Private Reply to RAJAN ADVANI | | Mar 14, 2006 2:37 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
R. Nelson Fernandes | | upinderji..
where in india does chadha mean underwear?
andar ki baat tell me also pls.Private Reply to R. Nelson Fernandes | | Mar 14, 2006 3:34 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
R. Nelson Fernandes | | agreed rajan.
as most of my married friends say "after shaadi.....forget
appreciation....there are no claims for depreciation also."
btw, i meant the 3 nights being taxing for the lawyer.......
bcos everything they do is in briefs.
Private Reply to R. Nelson Fernandes | | Mar 14, 2006 5:16 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Lavanya Karalkar | | A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.
He told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a
Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember." said the saleslady, "We don't get as many requests
for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra
or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?"
The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple. The catholic type
supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the
Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"
"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".
Private Reply to Lavanya Karalkar | | Mar 16, 2006 8:11 am | | ajit n robert | # |
upinder Kaur | | How to kill..(1)
1)Ajit: "Robert, Ise varnish mein daal do,
saala mar bhi jaayega aur finish bhi ho jaayega.
2)Ajit: "Robert, Isss Haramzaade ko social security pe daal do.
Saale ko Society jeene nahin degi aur security marne nahin degi.
3)Ajit: Rabert! isko eraser se maar do, yeh mar bhi jayega aur mit bhi jayega
4) Ajit: Raabert, in kutton ke saamne yeh Compooter laga do aur debugger starrt kar do.
Raabert: Lekin kyoon, baas?
Ajeet: Saale Checkpoint mein atak jayenge.
5)Scene:Ajit comes to know about the traitor in his gang.
Ajit: Raabert, ise ShamePain mein daal tho, agar Shame se nahi mara to Pain se mar jayega.
6)Scene: Ajeet spots one of his is enemies...
Ajeet: Maikal, woh jo admi ghadi pahne tumhe nazar aarahaa hai, woh hamara mehman hai.
Tum ja kar uske doosre hath mein bhee gadhi pahna do...phir woh do ghadi ka mehman ho jayega !
7)Robert: Bass is gaddar ka kya karen ?
Ajeet : ise sui chubho chubho kar mar daalo... pulees samjhegi sui-cide hua hai.
How to kill..(2)
8)Peter: Boss is saale ka kya karen ?
Ajeet: Ise microprocessor mein daal do...BIT by BIT marega !
9)Robert: aur boss..iska kya karen ?
Ajeet:Ise hamlet poison khilado...sochta rahega, to be or not to be !
10)Raabert: Boss? Is kaa kyaa kare boss?
Ajeet: Rawbert! Is pille ko liquid oxygen me daal do. Liquid ise jeene nahi dega, aur oxygen ise marne nahi dega.
11)Ajit: Maikal, ise liquid helium mein daal ke 440 V pass kar do.
Phir yeh superconductor ban jaayega, aur zindagi bhar ticket kaat-ta reh jaayega.
12) AJIT: "Raabert, isko Great Wall of China le jaakar phansi mein laga do,
great 'wall hanging' ban jayegi"
13) Peter: Boss? aur is pille ka kyaa kare boss?
Ajeet: Peter! Is saale ko super-conductor me daal do, saala bus mein Ticket dete-dete thak jayega.
Sona kahan hai ?
Robert: Boss , Sona kahan hai ? ( Where is the Gold ? )
Ajit: Kahin par bhi so jao Robert !!(sleep where ever you like)
Private Reply to upinder Kaur | | Mar 16, 2006 8:12 am | | kids | # |
upinder Kaur | | Are you following me around?
A small boy is wandering in a hotel, and hearing some noises decides to open a door. He says 'Wow, it's dark in here!'
You can imagine that there's a man with a woman in that room. The man asks, 'What do you want? Here's a buck, leave us alone.'
A bit later, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: 'Wow, it's dark here!'
'Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something.'
And the boy goes out with 2 bucks.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse, and tells what happened to his mother. She says: 'That's wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself.'
So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: 'Wow, it's dark here!'
To which the priest says: 'Are you following me around?'
Daddy's Lap
Son : Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Play house!
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare.
The girl approached the boy and said, 'Hey, Stevie, wanna play house?'
He said, 'Sure! What do you want me to do?'
The girl replied, 'I want you to communicate.'
He said to her, 'That word is too big. I have no idea what it means.'
The little girl smirked and said, 'Perfect. You can be the husband.'
Decisions in life..
SON: Dad I want an increase in my pocket money. You see the cost of living has gone up too much.
FATHER: But how could that be? A day ago it was announced that the inflation has fallen by 4%.
SON: C'mon dad who would you believe? The ministry of finance or YOUR OWN SON?
Urine test for kids...
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I have come for my urine test!
Private Reply to upinder Kaur | | Mar 17, 2006 12:52 pm | | re: kids | # |
FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | ******** women`s english v/s man`s english ********************* #
SANDEEP MISHRA WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
Do you love me?= I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
MEN'S ENGLISH:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner: = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now !!
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe
then you'd like to have sex with me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Private Reply to FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Mar 17, 2006 12:53 pm | | re: kids | # |
FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Just a Joke #
Manoj Nayak (emails.manoj@gmail.com)
Long long time ago, before he got married, Kanjibhai was travelling from Ahemadabad to Bombay by train. Rupaben was also travelling in the same compartment except that they both didn't know each other in the beginning. Once they started talking, they realized they both had a lot in common.
Both were Single
Both were Gujaratis
Both were going to Bombay
Both were Schoolteachers
Both were starting a new job at the Mithibai College
They seemed to hit it off well and decided to be roommates in Bombay and made a pact that they would do everything together. So they lived in the same house, travelled to the college together on Kanjibhai's scooter, had lunch in the staff room together, returned home together. They were watching the TV together, eating dinner together and were also sharing the same bedroom and ... EVEN sharing the same bed.
The only problem was Rupaben was placing a pillow between them at bedtime, much to the frustration of Kanjibhai; who ended up spending many sleepless nights with this most desirable beauty besides him, separated by the pillow.
Kanjibhai's frustration had built up to such an extent that he could take it no more, and ended up deciding to drink. So one day he tookoff from the college leaving Rupaben on her own. She was quite upset,but made it home by auto rikshaw.
The pact had been broken so she decided not to open the door for Kanjibhai when he got home drunk at about 2 AM.
Kanjibhai knocked on the door for about 20 minutes and pleaded with his Room mate to let him in.
After listening to his crap for 20 minutes, Rupaben said, "Where the hell did you disappear today? We decided to do everything together! Now you better sleep outside".
Kanjibhai "I will jump over the wall and come in if you don't open the door right now!"
Rupaben "Huve reva de reva de, chaar mahina thaya.......tu to pillow ni upar thi jump na karisaiko........to deewal upar thi su jump karvano !!!"Private Reply to FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Mar 17, 2006 8:04 pm | | re: re: kids | # |
R. Nelson Fernandes | | what FuFaji...et tu?
such stale one's !!!!
i was hoping you would come up wit some new gems.
pls. peeyo one more bhaang ka patiala peg aur post some fresh one's. Private Reply to R. Nelson Fernandes | | Mar 18, 2006 5:50 pm | | Appropriate Time | # |
R. Nelson Fernandes | | okay FuFaji...herez a follow up to the guju one.
Appropriate Timing :
A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to
propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of
them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question.
So he calls her on the phone, "June."
"Yes, this is June."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this?"
cheers!Private Reply to R. Nelson Fernandes | | Mar 19, 2006 3:33 pm | | re: Software engineers are smart | # |
Lavanya Karalkar | |
There was a good old barber. One day a florist goes to him for a
>haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber
>replies: I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a
>Community Service. The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next
>morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You"
>Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
>
>A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber ,
>he again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves
>the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there
>is another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.
>
>A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the
>barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.
>
>The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he
>finds there......
>
>A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with Printouts
>of forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut
Private Reply to Lavanya Karalkar | | Mar 19, 2006 6:32 pm | | Dialling the Pantry | # | 
Tejas Datta | | A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the
wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.
Private Reply to Tejas Datta | | Mar 22, 2006 4:11 am | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Posted by Sandeep
ha ha ha ha .............................sequel #
SANDEEP MISHRA Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and
The other is husband!
=====================================================
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but
They
Wanted cash
==================================================
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
=================================================
Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one
you
Cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
===================================================
You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.
===================================================
True friends stab you in the front.
====================================================
Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
=================================================
Bad officials are elected by good
citizens who do not vote.
====================================================
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get
Tired.
=================================================
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take
It anyway.
=================================================
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and
She agrees
With me.
=================================================
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
=================================================
Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
=================================================
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still
Ends up with the same boss.
=================================================
Early to bed,
Early to rise,
Makes your girlfriend go around
With other guys.
=================================================
Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address
Books.
=================================================
Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it
For you.
=================================================
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because
They have to say something.
=================================================
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom
Gets to speakPrivate Reply to FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Mar 22, 2006 4:11 am | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | womens are imposssible #
SANDEEP MISHRA The Husband Store!
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the
store ONLY ONCE !
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may
choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit
the building, and have a nice day!Private Reply to FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Mar 22, 2006 5:03 am | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
arpita gupta | | Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
> >>I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think
> >>about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
> >>and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
> >>of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
> >>to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
> >>dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
> >>~ Jack Handy
> >>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >>
> >>"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
> >>wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
> >>going to feel all day. "
> >>~Frank Sinatra
> >>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
> >>tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
> >>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >>"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
> >>~ Henny Youngman
> >>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
> >>laughing WITH you.
> >>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >>"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
> >>I think not."
> >>~ Stephen Wright
> >>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
> >>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >>"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
> >>we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
> >>When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
> >>get drunk and go to heaven!"
> >>~ Brian O'Rourke
> >>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >>"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants
> >>us to be happy."
> >>~ Benjamin Franklin
> >>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
> >>retard.
> >>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >>"Without question, the greatest invention in the
> >>history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
> >>wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
> >>not go nearly as well with pizza."
> >>~ Dave Barry
> >>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
> >>over
> >>and over again that you love them.
> >>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >>To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
> >>~ Dave Howell
> >>WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
> >>converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
> >>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >>And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
> >>of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
> >>Buffalo
> >>Theory to his buddy Norm.
> >>Here's how it went:
> >>
> >>
> >>"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo
> >>can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
> >>the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
> >>at the back that are killed first This natural selection is
> >>good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of
the
> >>whole group keeps improving by the
> >>regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human
> >>brain can only operate as fast as the
> >>slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
> >>know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest
> >>brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
the
> >>weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine.
> >>That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."Private Reply to arpita gupta | | Mar 22, 2006 5:41 am | | re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
MHN Parée | |
TEST YOUR EYES
Plz follow the guide.
1. First close one of your eye.
2. Move your mouse point at the red '!".
3. Right click at the !.
4. Then go (select all).
5. Then u'll see the result.
Stupid
!
People ask you to do something and u do it without
applying your mind ;)YOur eye sight is
allright,But YoUr Mind has gOt Problems hehehehe
..
Ha..HA..HA..!!!
Pls don't b angry ...
I am a VICTIM also..
IF U FEEL DUMB:P THEN SEND IT TO YOUR
BEST FRIENDS...N MAKE DEM FEEL STUPID
TOO
|
Private Reply to MHN Parée | | Mar 22, 2006 6:30 am | | re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Ketanbhai Pandit | | A man was sick and tired of going to work every day
while his wife
stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through
so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
while my wife
merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go
through, so please
allow
her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next
morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He
arose, cooked
breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out
their school clothes,
fed
them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to
school, came home
and
picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners
and stopped at the
bank
to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove
home to put
away the groceries, paid
the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the
cat's litter box
and
bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he
hurried to make
the beds, do the
laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen
floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
argument with
them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got
the kids
organized to do their
homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV
while he did
the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing
vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for
supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
dishwasher, folded
laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9
P.M. he was
exhausted
and,
though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to
bed where he was
expected to make love which he managed to get through
without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by
the bed and said,
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so
wrong to envy m y
wife's
being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please,
let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I
feel you have
learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
things back to the
way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months,
though. You got
pregnant last night."
... Voted Women's Favorite Email
of the Year !
Private Reply to Ketanbhai Pandit | | Mar 22, 2006 6:40 am | | Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Cheerful!! | | An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did." Private Reply to Cheerful!! | | Mar 22, 2006 10:00 am | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Lord Baron | | This is by far the best joke i have ever come across aboutGujjus....
A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother
arrived from the US. It was sent by one of their daughters.
The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space
left in it.
When they opened the lid , they found a letter on top addressed to her
brothers and sisters.
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Mohan and Varsha:
I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her lastwish that she should be
cremated in the compound ofour ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I could
not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10
packets of Toblerone chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide these
among all of you.
On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan.
There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the
sizes are correct.
Ba is wearing 6 American T-shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just
distribute the rest among yourselves.
The 2 new Jeans that Ba's is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that
Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.
Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked
for. Please take them off her.
The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my
nephews. Please distribute all these fairly.
Love
Smita Patel
PS : If you need anything else please let me know soon....Bapuji is also not
feeling too well nowadays.Private Reply to Lord Baron | | Mar 24, 2006 9:46 am | | Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Cheerful!! | | A man goes to get his salary cheque and when he opens it he discovers That his employer has overpaid him by Rs.2000.
He decides not to tell anybody and keeps quiet.
At the end of the following month when he opens the cheque, he sees that he's been underpaid by Rs.2000.
Fuming, he goes to have it out with his employer. 'Sir, I think you've made a mistake on my cheque.'
'And how do you figure that? his employer asks.
'It seems I've been underpaid by Rs.2000.'
'So?'
'No disrespect Sir, but I want my money.'
'Last month I overpaid you by Rs.2000 and you didn't complain so why now? '
Guess what could be his answer....
.
.
.
.
.
'Well Sir, thing is I don't mind if you make a mistake once but if it
becomes a habit I have to say something'
Private Reply to Cheerful!! | | Mar 24, 2006 9:58 am | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
CK Vishwakarma, PMP | | While visiting India , George Bush is invited to tea with Indian President Abdul Kalam.
He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam.
"Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Kalam. He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods:
"Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Condo leeza Rice to the test. Bush summons her to the White House and says,
"Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves. Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.
"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, f inds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the ! answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, its Manmohan Singh!"Private Reply to CK Vishwakarma, PMP | | Mar 24, 2006 1:42 pm | | Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Prakash Sagar | | A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it. Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could -you- pass such a test?" Private Reply to Prakash Sagar | | Mar 24, 2006 2:05 pm | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Aditya Seth | | 1. What is Common between : Krishna, Ram, Gandhiji & Jesus..? Sardar ji Replied : All are Born on Government Holidays.
2. Teacher to a Sardar : A=B, A=C B=C, So, Give me an example, Sardar : I Love You, You Love Your Daughter, So I Love Your Daughter.
3. Ek aadmi ki Biwi gum ho gayi, Waha RAM ke Mandir me gaya,
Ram ne kaha Baju wale Hanuman Ke Mandir mai ja, Meri bhi usi ne dhundhi thi.
4. A Kid asks the Priest : Father what is your Favourite Pastime...? The Priest pats the kids head & replys : NUN My Child NUN....!!
5. Sardar bought a new mobile. He called everyone from his Phone Book & said "My Mobile No. has changed Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610"
6. Santa : I am a Proud Sardar, My son is in Medical College, Banta : Really, what is he studing, Santa : No is not studying, they r Studying him.
7. Chinti aur Hathi ka Prem Vivah hua. Agle Din Hathi ki Maut ho gai...!! Chinti Boli Wah Mohabbat, EK din ka pyar hua, ab sari umra kabra khodnemai bitegi..!!
8. Santa Banta ko 3 live bomb mile, Police ko dene chale, Santa agar koi bomb raste mai Phat jaye to..?
Banta : Jhooth bol denge 2 hi mile the...!!!
9. Sardar falls in Love with Nurse. He writes a Loveletter to her, " I LOVE U SISTER."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 28, 2006 5:06 am | | re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Lavanya Karalkar | | The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper.
'How much does it cost to have an obituary printed'? asked miser Santa
Singh.
'It's 50 Rupees a word, sir,' the clerk replied politely.
'Fine,' said Santa Singh after a moment. 'Okay then, write this down:
'Banta - dead'.'
'That's all?' asked the clerk disbelievingly. 'That's it.'
'I'm sorry sir, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum.'
'Yes, you should've,' snapped the Santa. Now let me think a minute... okay,
here goes: Banta dead. Maruti for Sale.'
--
After having their 11th child, Laloo & Rabri decided that was enough. So
then Laloo went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not
want any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure
called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to
go home, get a Diwali bomb, light it, put it in a empty Coke can, then hold
the can up to his ear and count to 10.
Laloo said to the doctor, "I'm the smartest man in Bihar, but I don't see
how putting a Diwali atom bomb in a Coke can next to my ear is going to
help me with my problem."
So the couple drove to Delhi to get a second opinion. The Delhi physician
was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he
noticed by their Medical records that they were from Bihar. This doctor
instead told Laloo to go home and get a Diwali atom bomb, light it, place
it in a Coke can and hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians knew what they were talking about and
couldn't be wrong, Laloo went home, lit a atom bomb, put it in a coke can.
He held it up to his ear and began to count with his fingers on his left
hand : "1,2,3, 4,5" At which point he paused, placed the coke can between
his legs and resumed counting on the other hand.
Private Reply to Lavanya Karalkar | | Mar 29, 2006 3:21 am | | re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Madhurie | | Ravan had 20 eyes but he sighted only one woman ....you have only 2 eyes
but you sight every woman. Now who is Ravan?
****************************
Scientists are trying to figure out how long a person can live without
brain. Please tell them your age!
*****************************
Mistakes are not crime......if you correct them they are the key of
success. FOR EXAMPLE....God created you ......He then created me.
*****************************
Munna bhai: agar bina daton ka kuta kate to kya karna chahiye?
Circuit: simple, bina sui ke injection lena chahiye.
***********************
Bikhari: 50 paise de de maine 3 din se khana nahin khaya hai.
Kanjoos: 10 rupaye dunga, pahele ye bata 50 paise mein khana kahan
milta hai.
****************************
Santa: Yaar bachpan mein 20 male se gir gaya tha.
Banta: to fir bach gaya ya mar gaya?
Santa: yaad nahin hai bahut purani baat hai.
*************************
Boy: mom, aaj mera dost ghar aa raha hai....ghar ke sab khilone chhupa
de.
Mom: tera dost chor hai kya?
Boy: nahin, woh apne khilone pahechan lega.
*********************
In aptitude test...River Kaveri is in which state?
Sardar: liquid state.
*************************
INTERVIEW : Imagine, in a closed room, how can you escape if it caught
fire?
Sardar: Simple, stop imagining.
****************************
Sardar starts shouting in a store...... where is my free gift with this
oil? Shopkeeper : there is nothing free with this.
Sardar: it is written CHOLESTROL FREE.
***********************
Sardar 100 watt bulb par baap ka naam likh raha tha.
Baap ne puchha "kya kar rahe ho?"
Sardar : baap ka naam roshan kar raha hoon.
***********************
Two Sardars were walking together.
1st Sardar: Yaar mar gaya , meri biwi aur premika saath aa rahi hain.
2nd Sardar: oye, main bhi yehi bol raha tha.
**************************
PAPAD aur JAPAD mein kya farak hai.
Khake dekho pata chal jayega.
***************************
Sardar: in my dreams rats play football every night.
DR: take this tablet you will be ok.
Sardar: Can I take tommorrow, tonight is final game.
Private Reply to Madhurie | | Jun 04, 2006 3:03 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
R J | | A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see
the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an
envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was
addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and
read the letter with trembling hands:-
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving
home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Vishanth because I wanted to
avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with
Vishanth and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him
too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's
not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Vishanth said that he wants me
to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though
Vishanth is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?),
and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our
relationship, don't you agree?
Vishanth has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other
girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He
wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams
too.
Vishanth taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be
growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine
and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a
cure for AIDS so Vishanth can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Rosie.
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my
report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when
it is safe for me to come home. I love you!
Love, love and lots of love
Daughter
Private Reply to R J | | Jun 05, 2006 12:28 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Amita | |
I came across this on the net... Private Reply to Amita | | Jun 07, 2006 12:34 pm | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Shridhar | | A Sardar in a battlefield wears mosquito net.Friend asks him
"why are you wearing this?" replies sardar" Even a mosquito can't enter this, how will a bullet enter."
Regards
SridharPrivate Reply to Shridhar | | Jun 08, 2006 7:25 am | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from
the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us
for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder
what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15
minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk
faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach
us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go
that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he
could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
say two Hail Marys!Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 08, 2006 8:49 am | | re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Jacksquat | | My all time favourite
Jack goes to school & returns with a black eye.
Dad: what happened?
Jack: teacher slapped me
Dad: why?
Jack: because her dress was stuck in the crack of her butt & i pulled it out
Dad: women dont like that, dont do it again.
Next day Jack returns home from school with the other eye black
Dad: What happened?
Jack: teacher slapped me again
dad: why?
Jack: her dress was stuck in the crack of her butt.....
Dad: i TOLD u not to pull it out, women dont like it!!!!
Jack: i didnt pull it out dad. the guy in front of me pulled it out & i know she didnt like it.....so i pushed it back in!Private Reply to Jacksquat | | Jun 08, 2006 2:19 pm | | re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Hiding In Closet
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange
noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to
find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he
is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says,
"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and
he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into
the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open
the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother,
totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
''You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a
heart attack and you're running around with no clothes
on scaring the kids!" Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 08, 2006 2:50 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds..... and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 08, 2006 6:15 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
R. Nelson Fernandes | | A large, powerfully-built guy named Raymond meets a woman named Polly at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, Raymond stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, Raymond flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" Polly begins to drool.
Raymond then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" Polly is just aching for action at this point.
Finally, Raymond drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, Polly grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. Raymond catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
Polly then replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!" Private Reply to R. Nelson Fernandes | | Jun 09, 2006 5:40 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Maria, a beautiful Latina fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry very soon. She was so happy about her
wedding plans, she decided to tell her papa.
Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Mother does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother".
So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo.
But after telling papa again, he said, "Maria there's trouble still. You cannot marry Ricardo, my darling. Please don't tell your mother, but Ricardo is your half-brother too."
Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama already knew and said, "My darling, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa." Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 09, 2006 5:46 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her
eighties and had never been married. She was admired
for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she
showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited
him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat
facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister
noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The
bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated,
of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea
and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to
stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and
he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell
me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was
walking through the park a few months ago and I found
this little package on the ground. The directions
said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I
haven't had the flu all winter."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 13, 2006 5:24 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup
of boiling water down your throat and, presto, the blockage will be
almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember
to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are.
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Send this to at least forty people and you will probably have aggravated
everyone you know.Private Reply to FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Jun 13, 2006 1:29 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Bishwadip Roy | | To add to Fufa-ji's list of "helpful hints":
1) COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.
2) MOBILE phone users. On trains always choose a seat in the last carriage. Then, when a train enters a tunnel, run as fast as you can towards the front of the train. This will ensure that you are in the tunnel for the shortest possible time and are less likely to miss that all-important call.
3) DOCTORS. Tired of licking stamps? Simply attach your stamps to the underside of your tongue stick before the patient says "Aah." Hey presto! Free saliva.
4) BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.
5) LADY drivers. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it showing the position of the hand brake and gearstick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green
6) SUPERMARKETS. Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through
7) Would-be criminals. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.
8) AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.
9) OLD people. Ensure a good fight at your wake by leaving a valuable antique in your will to a distant relative, whilst promising it to a closer relative verbally before you die.
10) DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
Private Reply to Bishwadip Roy | | Jun 16, 2006 3:56 pm | | Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Basab Ghosh | | What is really funny, is that item No. 4 on Lalit's list was actually practised by doctors for reducing blood pressure in Victorian times. They also used leeches to suck poisonous blood out.
Cheers! Private Reply to Basab Ghosh | | Jun 18, 2006 12:45 pm | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched
out to Air Force One, and President Bush strides to a
warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the
edge of central London where they board an open 17th
century coach hitched to six magnificent white
matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham
Palace,each looking sideways and waving to the
thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets; all
is going well. But suddenly, the right rear horse lets
fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending,
eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever
heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda,
Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.
Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries
of state do their best to ignore the whole
incident,but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.
She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President,
please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that
there are some things that even a Queen cannot
control." George W.Bush, ever the gentleman, replies,
"Your Majesty,please don't give the matter another
thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I
would have thought it was one of the horses...."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 19, 2006 10:40 am | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Lukose Jose | | 1) What is confidence ????
A hypothetical situation where 20 executives board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless
technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies: "If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."
That is called Confidence!!!
2)An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches
to the
> Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
>
> The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues
starts by
> rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the
Scotsman
> and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
>
> "Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus
Ladies
> and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my
speech
> started: Ladies and Gentlemen".
>
> On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go
one
> better than that English b@#$ard and started his speech by making an
antler
> symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest
and
his
> groin.
>
> When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he
> explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I
was
> starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".
>
> On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go
one
> further than those two b@#$ard and started his speech by making an
antler
> symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and
then
> finally masturbating furiously.
>
> When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well"
he
> explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin
and
> then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and
> Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
3)How to catch a lion ?
Newton 's Method:
Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught lion.
Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.
Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.
If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.
Indian Police Method:
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .
Rajnikanth Method:
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.
The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.
Manirathnam Method (Director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted.
Keep murmuring something in its ears.
The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.
Karan Johar Method (Director):
Send a lioness into the forest.
Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.
Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.
First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions.
Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.
You don't understand? Right?.. Ok....read it after 15 yrs... then also u wont!
Yash Chopra Method (Director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.
Govinda Method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.
Maneka Gandhi Method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.
George Bush Method:
Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!
Rahul Dravid Method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u.
U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run
Lion gets tired and surrenders. Private Reply to Lukose Jose | | Jun 19, 2006 6:27 pm | | re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says, "Oh crap..... my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde say ............
"Don't you have a vase??!!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 20, 2006 10:14 am | | re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
M M | | Pappu, Pintu and sonu are kids and they are discussing how great their father is.
Pappu says " My Father jumped into the well and was underwater for 1 hour"
Pintu says " This is nothing my father jumped into the well and was underwater for 1 day"
Sonu says "My father is the greatest, he jumped into the well and it has been more than 1 week and he hasnt come up yet"
Disclaimer:
This is an original joke.
This is not from any forwards.
If you had heard this joke before, now is the time to read.
Cheers
MM Private Reply to M M | | Jun 20, 2006 11:20 am | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Lukose Jose | | Equations for Modern Times
1. SSC + HSC + BTech + MBA = UNEMPLOYMENT
2. An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com
3. One Chinese gymnast = India's Gold Medal tally since 1896
4. Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan
5. Special Effects in Shampoo ads = Special effects in Jurassic park
6. 4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = a 4 minute song
in Hindi movie
7. Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability + personality +
ownproduction company = Kajol
8. Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favorite serials
9. Amitabh Bachchan - Mrityudaata + Kaun Banega Crorepati = A SUPERSTAR
10. Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan - Talent = Abhishek Bachchan
11. Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan
12. 1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda
13. 1 person - shirt = Salman Khan
14. 1 person + straight hair + un-straight walk = Sanjay Dutt
15. 1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol
16. 1 engagement + 2 weddings + 3 wedding songs + 400 relatives + 1 house
bigger than Buckingham Palace = One Sooraj Barjataya film
2)Bengali
One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.
More than four Bengali's = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli into
Team.
Bihari
One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.
Punjabi
One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.
Mallu
One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.
UP Bhaiyya
One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.
Gujju
One Gujju = share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.
Andhraite
One Andhraite = chili farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.
Kashmiri
One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.
Tamil-Brahmin
One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara.
Bombayite
One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites = film studio.
Three Bombayites = slum.
Four Bombayites = the number of people
standing on your foot in the train at rush hour.
Sindhi
One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar.
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.
Marwari
One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community.
Haryanvi
One Haryanavi = tube light
Two Haryanavi = agriculture
Three haryannavi= Lathi squad
Four haryanavi = actually just one was enough
Private Reply to Lukose Jose | | Jun 20, 2006 5:09 pm | | re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Actual call centre conversations !!!!!
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 21, 2006 7:39 am | | re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | SMS jokes...
ā¢ Devdas's matrimonial ad- Wanted wife. Age no bar! Height No bar! Luks no bar! Caste No Bar!
But gal's father shoul have his own Bar.
ā¢ Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.
ā¢ FOOL se, FOOL ne, FOOLon ki FOOLwari me FOOL ke sath wish kiya 'You are the most beautiFOOL, colorFOOL & wonderFOOL amongst all FOOLS
ā¢ What do u call a woman in heaven?
An Angel
A crowd of woman in heaven?
A host of Angels
And all woman in heaven?
PEACE ON EARTH!
ā¢ Population slogan in Bihar: Hum Do Hamare Do, Unke Baad Jitne Bhi Hon, Sabko Punjab aur Haryana bhej do
ā¢ What's the diff between Dava &d Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date and Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.
ā¢ I just bought a used car. It's a convertible. You turn the key, and it converts into a piece of crap. -Scott E. Roeben
ā¢ Three dreams of a man: To be as handsome as his mother thinks. To be as rich as his child believes. To have as many women as his wife SUSPECTS
ā¢ Mallika went to a swimming pool in a BRA & PANTY.
Guard: Madam here 2 piece costume is not allowed!
Mallika: Kaun sa utaroon?
ā¢ A Chinese couple Mr & Miss Hua got twins without marriage. What did they named them?
They named them as 'Jo-Hua', 'So-Hua'
ā¢ Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?
Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or wife Be-Gum ho jaat hai.
ā¢ What did Tarzan think when he saw a dead Cheetah?
Wow! New Underwear.
ā¢ Beauty is not how you look, it is not how handsome u r, it is not ur figure too... Beauty is the inner self, so change ur underwear daily.
ā¢ Gal: Do u have any sentimental love cards?
Shopkeeper: How about this card, it says 'To the only boy I ever loved'
Gal: Great! I want 10 of them
ā¢ There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads: We may never piss this way again.
ā¢ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho... Kuch nahi yaar bas tumhari shakal yaad aa gayi!
ā¢ It's the sweetest thing to do. Do it on the bed, on a sofa, in the bathroom or anywhere! U must never stop doing it. It's called Prayer! God bless ur naughty mind.
Ki kariye lokan da, har gal nu lok jhamela kehnde ne,
Je sms na kariye ta kanjoos, te je kariye ta Vehla kehnde ne!
ā¢ Oh menu dekhi jaandi c, main ohnu vekhi jaanda c
Oh mneu dekhi jaandi c, main ohnu vekhi jaanda c
Na paper mainu aanda c, na paper ohnu aanda c
ā¢ What's the difference between wife n neighbours wife?
Wife is a chocolate, can have any time. Neighbour's wife is like an ice-cream, shud hv immediately.
ā¢ Mom: Tujhe ladka pasand aaya ho to baat agey chalayen. Girl: Ladka to theek hai but mota hai. Mom: TV chahe 14" ka ho ya 29" ka remote 6" ka hi hota hai.
ā¢ How do u know when kids start to grow up?
Gals grow up when they start to put lipstick n boys grow up when they start to wipe it off!
ā¢ A baby fish asked her mother: Y can't we live on earth?
Mother Fish: Earth is not the place for FISH, it's made for SELFISH.
ā¢ Fill in the blank with yes or NO only.
_______I M NOT A Male.
Koi jaldi nahin hai, aaram se soch kar bata dena.
ā¢ Paani mein Whiskey milao ta nasha chadta hai. Paani mein Rum milao to nasha chadta hai. Paani mein Brandy milao to nasha chadta hai. Saala paani mein hi kuch gadbad hai.
ā¢ Basanti: Bhaag Dhanno bhag, aaj teri Basanti ki izzat ka sawal hai.
Dhanno: Tujhe apni padi hai. Meri soch jiske peeche Gabbar ke 10 ghode pade hain
ā¢ Mon to Sun, From Jan To Dec, From birth till my death, my feelings 4 u have never changed. For me, you've always been a headache!
In chemistry class teacher asked a gal: what r Nitrates
Gal answered shyly: night rates, they r costlier than day.
ā¢ Woman has man in it, Mrs has Mr in it, female has male in it, Madam has adam in it, so girls r always incomplete without boys.
ā¢ Namashkar, yeh hamari faltoo SMS seva hai, is mein hum logon ko waqt-bewaqt tang karte hain. Is seva ka labh uthane ke liye shukriya, ab aap apna kaam kariye.
ā¢ I have started luving 'U'... I know it sounds rediculous but I can't control my feelings 4 'U'. Some time later I'll start luving more ALPHABETS...!
ā¢ Ramchandra kah gaye siya se, aisa kalyug aayega, sifr ek dost SMS karega, dusara kamina bas padh ke muskurayega!
ā¢ Sharab Ek Bimari hai jo saare samaj ko khatam kar rahi hai. To aao milkar is bimari ko khatam karen. Ek bottle tum khatam karo ek bottle hum khatam karen.
ā¢ Can't believe after all the shit they have been through they're still together............Who?
Your bum cheeks!!
ā¢ SMS ka sangha karke kya paayega vats...? Balance ka moh tyag aur sms kar... Mitron se sampark banaye rakhne se hi moksha ki prapti hogi... Swami Messageanand.
ā¢ I think I should tell you what people are saying behind your back.ā¦ā¦. Nice Ass!!!
A history teacher & his wife were sitting at a table. The wife asked. 'Anything new at work?'
He replied, 'No, I'm teaching History.'
ā¢ Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.
ā¢ When I go wrong, I need ur hand 2 correct, wen emotions bust out, I need ur hand 2 catch, wen I win, I need ur hand 2 pat. In short:Ye Haath Mujhe De De Thakur
ā¢ Today is the International day of Smart & Attractive people. Send this to someone who fits the description! Donā(tm)t send it back; I've already received hundreds.
ā¢ So Sweet is ur SMILE,
So Sweet is ur STYLE,
So Sweet is ur VOICE,
So Sweet is ur EYE,
see .......how Sweetly I Lie.
ā¢ The Madrasi said: I want to see the movie 'Heart is umbrella'. Which movie did he really want to see?
Dil Chhata Hai.......
ā¢ Just close ur eyes and think of urself for 10 seconds...... Open ur eyes ! Now you will realize that u have wasted 10 seconds in thinking of a fool.
ā¢ God made Pepsi, God made whisky, God made me so sexy, God made rivers, God made lakes and God made you... well everybody makes mistakes.
ā¢ I saw u on road today. U were lukin so fine, ur face so divine, ur walk so perfect. My heart started singing a sweet song: Who Let The Dog Out!Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 22, 2006 11:42 am | | re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | One day, Al Gore, George W and Raplph Nader were
eating lunch at a
resturatunt. They paid the check, then went to the
bathroom.
On their way in, an attendant told them that the
mirror in the bathroom
would hold you until you said something if you looked
at it, and if you
told the truth you would get a billion dollars. But if
you lied, youd
be trapped in the mirror forever.
Ralph finished first, and looked at the mirror.
Trapped, he said "i
think i am the smartest one in this bathroom" and he
got a billion
dollars.
Then Al Gore looked at the mirror and said, "i think i
have the biggest
ego in this bathroom" and he got a billion dollars.
Then George looked at the mirror and siad, "i think-"
and FWOOSH! he
was trapped in the mirror.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 22, 2006 11:53 am | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Akshay | |
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking
her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long,
Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard
heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some
bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on
the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard
is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a
look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",
says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the
dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle
says: "Where's that dang monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring
me another leopard!"
Lesson from this story..
Don't mess with experienced old dudes.....age and treachery will always
overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age
and experience!
Private Reply to Akshay | | Jun 22, 2006 11:59 am | | The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. | # |
Akshay | | These are priceless!!
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: Its triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: Hes involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: Youre in them
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You cant find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: The postmans early
Bad: Hes wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: Its another man
Ugly: Hes your best friend
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: Shes a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do
Private Reply to Akshay | | Jun 22, 2006 1:26 pm | | re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. | # |
Aditya Seth | | A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local newspaper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a NUN in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES... HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day....
The moral of the story is.... Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery ... and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life... You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
THE BAD TIMES ARE GOOD TIMES TO PREPARE FOR THE BETTER TIMES
Cheers!Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 24, 2006 12:15 pm | | re: re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. | # |
Aditya Seth | | There once was a husband and wife who were unable to
have children. After consulting everyone who would
listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied.
Finally, they consulted their family priest.
"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen
to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be
blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning
an extended stay in Rome, and while I'm visiting the
Vatican, I will light a candle for you."
"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.
Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure
everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in
Rome will be for quite some time--15 years. But when I
return, I will be sure to pay you a visit."
And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest
returned to the States.
While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he
remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had
made 15 years ago. So he made his way to their home,
and upon arriving at the residence of the couple who'd
sought his council years earlier, he rang the
doorbell.
Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the
air! Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had
been answered, he entered the house. More than a DOZEN
children filled the house from top to bottom! In the
midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.
"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been
answered! And where is your husband? I wish to
congratulate him too on your miracle!"
"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate
tone.
"Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.
"To blow out that candle you lit!"
_________________________________________________Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 25, 2006 8:38 am | | re: re: re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. | # |
Aditya Seth | | A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yuan for dollars and he was a little agitated.
He asks the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunda yuan for one dolla. Today I get hunda eighty. Why it change?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese (Asian) guy says, "Fluc you white peoples too!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 26, 2006 10:22 am | | re: re: re: re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. | # |
Aditya Seth | | Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.
The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them
their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to
see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't
believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're
hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes,
up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked,
unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach
and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken >>
island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....
So do you think we should, well ... you know ... screw her?"
"Out of WHAT?" asked the other.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 28, 2006 1:33 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. | # |
Aditya Seth | | A boss walked into the office one morning, not knowing that his his fly's wide open.
His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss, this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"
This was not a phrase that he understood and he went into his office, looking a bit puzzled. When he was done with his paper work, he suddenly notices that his fly's open. He quickly zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood.
He then goes out to his secretary to ask for a cup of coffee and with
the intention of having a little fun with her.
When he reaches her desk, he says, "When you saw the garage door open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?"
The secretary smiles for a moment and said, "No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Mini with two flat tyres".Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 29, 2006 2:53 pm | | North India and South India - WIFE | # |
FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | North Indian Wife Vs South Indian Wife
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*** WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A North Indian GIRL as WIFE ***
1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.
2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.
3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movies, theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.
4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.
5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.
6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her grey hair.
7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.
8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.
9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you.
10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to " walk out"
11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.
12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you"
*** WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as WIFE ***
1.Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras / Anna University .
2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."
3. She shudders if you use four letter words.
4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.)
5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.
6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.
7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)
8. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the dog or for herself.
9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.
10. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.
11. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation')
12. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.
13. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it ..
14. Her Mangal Sutra weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.
15. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you. Private Reply to FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Jun 29, 2006 3:01 pm | | band aid | # |
FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Drunk Again
Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Swen. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He tiptoed quietly toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night, weren't you Ole?"
Ole said, "Why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."Private Reply to FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Jul 02, 2006 9:18 am | | re: band aid | # |
Aditya Seth | | An MBA graduate and an Engineer go on a camping trip,
set up their tent and fall asleep. Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend.
"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
The Engineer asks "What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute:
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are
millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter
past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful
and we are small and
insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
The Engineer friend is silent for a moment, and then
speaks.
"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent". Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 02, 2006 10:01 am | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N | | Teacher :Ramya and Shilpa!,why are you late for school,today?
Shilpa:Madam, I lost a one rupee coin and was searching for it.
Teachear:Ramya,what about you?
Ramya:Madam..., I was not able to move ....because I was hiding that coin under my feet. Private Reply to Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N | | Jul 02, 2006 10:13 am | | : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Akshay | | An Email Quiz
You must follow the rules on this one exactly, otherwise it won't work. It's really scary how this works out. NO CHEATING!!!!
1. First, get a pen and paper.
2. Second, write the numbers one through six.
3. Next to number one, write any number...
4. Next to number two, write the name of anyone to which you are really attracted...
5. Next to three, write down the first color you can think of...
6. Next to number four, write the name of your first pet....
7. Next to numbers five and six write down the names of two family members...
Remember...no cheating.....
Keep scrolling down........
Don't cheat, or you'll be upset.......
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Here are the answers....
The number next to number one show how many times you should be smashed over the head with a baseball bat for thinking that stupid e-mails like this actually mean anything....
The person named next to number two is someone who will never sleep with you because you're stupid enough to waste your time on something like this....
The color you picked means nothing. It's a friggin' color for petes' sake...
Number four gives you the name of a dead animal....
Numbers five and six represent family members who are embarrassed to be related to you.....
Pass this on to everyone you know, so they can feel like a schmuck too. Private Reply to Akshay | | Jul 02, 2006 10:26 am | | re: : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Akshay | | A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "Hey ..... Dude ..... How much water didya drink?" Private Reply to Akshay | | Jul 02, 2006 1:37 pm | | : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Akshay | | Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face!" Private Reply to Akshay | | Jul 04, 2006 8:30 am | | re: : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Five Surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the
best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see
accountants on my operating table, because when you
open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians!
Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think
librarians are the best; everything inside them is
in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I
like construction workers...those guys always
understand when you have a few parts left over at
the end, and when the job takes longer than you said
it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and
no spine, and the head and the ass are
interchangeable"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 04, 2006 9:20 am | | re: re: : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | A good joke on a rainy day Private Reply to FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Jul 05, 2006 9:32 am | | re: re: re: : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game,
took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him
why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his
generation."You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive
one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars...We
have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with
light-speed processing..."and," pausing to take another drink of beer...
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young..
......so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit head, what are
you doing for the next generation?" Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 05, 2006 12:19 pm | | re: re: re: re: : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Purobi Ghosh Mohan | | *TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS*
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.
*INDIAN ECONOMICS *
You have two cows.
You worship them.
* PAKISTAN ECONOMICS*
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid,
China for military aid,
Britain for warplanes,
Italy for machines,
Germany for technology,
France for submarines,
Switzerland for loans,
Russia for drugs and
Japan for equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world
*AMERICAN ECONOMICS*
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.
* FRENCH ECONOMICS *
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
*GERMAN ECONOMICS *
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
*BRITISH ECONOMICS *
You have two cows.
They are both mad.
*ITALIAN ECONOMICS*
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
*SWISS ECONOMICS *
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
*JAPANESE ECONOMICS*
You have two cows.
You re-design them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
*CHINESE ECONOMICS *
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.
*RUSSIAN ECONOMICS*
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of Vodka Private Reply to Purobi Ghosh Mohan | | Jul 05, 2006 5:19 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Investment Terms #
Japan Vyas
After learning Mandarin...now lets learn some investment terms...:)
BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER: What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
INVESTOR: Sucker Private Reply to FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Jul 06, 2006 7:10 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the
waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the brown and says, 'So why are you here?' The
brown lab replies, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the
drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed
in the
middle of my owner's bed.'
The black lab says, 'So what is the vet going to do?' 'Gonna give me
Prozac,' came the reply from the brown lab. 'All the vets are prescribing
it. It works for everything.' He then turns to the yellow lab and asks,
'Why are you here?'
The yellow lab says, ' I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a big hole in my owner's
couch.' 'So what are they going to do to you?' the black lab inquired.
'Looks like Prozac for me too,' the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's
office for. I'm a humper,' the black lab says. 'I'll hump anything. I'll
hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever.
I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help
myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away.'
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, 'So, Prozac for
you too, huh?' The black lab says, 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.'Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 07, 2006 3:34 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Amita | |  Private Reply to Amita | | Jul 10, 2006 8:51 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Here are the winners of the competition for wackiest warning label of the year:
1st prize
Do not use for personal hygiene - on a toilet brush
2nd prize
This product moves when used - from a child's scooter
Previous winners have included:
Remove child before folding - on a baby's buggy
Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally -
on a digital thermometer
Never remove food or other items from the blades while the
product is operating - on an electric hand blender
Harmful if swallowed - on a three-pronged brass fishing lure.
Do not use this product as a toy, pillow, or flotation device -
on a bag of air used as a packing material
Do not use as a ladder - on a 30cm tall CD rack
Never iron clothes while they are being worn - on a household
iron
Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will
not extinguish a fire - on a smoke detector
Do not eat toner - on a laser printer cartridge
And on a pair of cyclist's shin guards - Shin pads cannot protect
any part of the body they do not cover.Private Reply to FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Jul 14, 2006 10:20 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Anuj..in Dubai now... | | Four guys, from Harvard, Yale, MIT and SANTA SINGH from Punjab
University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job. One common
question was asked to all 4 of them.
INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light
HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; b'cos thought is so fast it comes
instantly in your mind.
MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked
SANTA SINGH: Its Loose motion
INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked) "WHY"?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got
The worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TU RN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!!
Private Reply to Anuj..in Dubai now... | | Jul 16, 2006 12:04 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.
"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors."
The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."
"Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 17, 2006 12:45 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Caution! . . . . . . . . . . . . . These people Vote
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real
estate agent which direction was North because, he
explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every
morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the
East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and
said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff".
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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call
center. One day I got a call from an individual who
asked what hours the call center was open. I told him,
"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific
time? "Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh,
Pacific" . . . . . . . .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our
cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative
assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her
weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a
convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving". . . . . . . .
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's
designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets
trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that
the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big
party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2
times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My
friend said "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she
turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and
ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way
the head is turned. . .
[Did you turn your head to "test" this one - I did -
maybe that is why my voting capability is impaired]
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage
area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told
the woman there that my bags never showed up. She
smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. Now,"
she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
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While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone
and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4
pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think
I'm hungry enough to eat 6 . . . . . .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now you know who elects the politicians!
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Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid
of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and
hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want
it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there
without even one person looking twice at it. He
eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of
this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed
the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day
someone stole it. Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 18, 2006 9:32 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Amit Kumar Dubey | | A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex?" The doctor looked puzzled,
but agreed.
When the couple finished,
The doctor said,"There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,"
and charged them
Rs.300.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an appointment,? have intercourse with no problems,
pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to
my house.
The Oberoi charges Rs. 2500, Taj charges Rs.2000, Le Meridien charges
Rs.1500.
We do it here for Rs.300, and I get Rs 250 back from MediClaim.
Private Reply to Amit Kumar Dubey | | Jul 18, 2006 11:01 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | These are actual (yeah, right - MM) clips from British
Council flat (apartment) tenants complaining to the
Council about problems with their flats
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my
back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole
house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want to complain about the farmer across the
road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and
it's now getting too much for me.
5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and
would you please do something about the noise made by
the man on top of me every night.
6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging
his balls against my fence.
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the
job and satisfy my wife.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming
away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden
path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now
she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the
kitchen
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling
plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new
drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the
children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it
is a funny colour & not fit to drink.
16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has
backfired and burnt my knob off.
17. The man next door has a large erection in the back
garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children
and would like a third so please send someone round to
do something about it.
19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle
very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his
back passage.
20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the
outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other
night that blew them off.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 21, 2006 6:43 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
RAJAN ADVANI | |
Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, Since youve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.
Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, I want to hang out with God.
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?
Arthur said, Yep, thats me.
God said, Well, whats the big deal in inventing something thats pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and cant run without a road?
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, Excuse me, but arent You the inventor of woman?
God said, Yes.
Well, said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. Theres too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!
Hmmmmm, you have some good points there, replied God, hold on.
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, God said to Arthur, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
Private Reply to RAJAN ADVANI | | Jul 21, 2006 8:47 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Anuj..in Dubai now... | | thats not a joke rajan ji...serious truth,....heheheheeee :)))))))))))))) Private Reply to Anuj..in Dubai now... | | Jul 21, 2006 12:29 pm | | e: re: re: re: re: : Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
BLACK AND WHITE | | jokes ...
ek baar kya hua na ek main tha....................Private Reply to BLACK AND WHITE | | Jul 22, 2006 5:36 am | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Lord Baron | | When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied ... "but what is growing in your butt?"
cheers
MaheshPrivate Reply to Lord Baron | | Jul 22, 2006 7:54 am | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2005:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 24, 2006 11:55 am | | re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
~*~I, Me & Myself~*~ : writepushpa@gmail.com | | Sarva Guna Sampanna Kanya
The Young Brahmin asked, " Is it true, that your daughter has all the good qualities and pleasing looks ? "
The old brahmin answered, " Haan ! More that that, she is Sundara Vati and Padma Vati ! "
" But, can she cook and keep house ? " Asked the young man.
" Oh yes, she is Dharma Vati ! " answered the old man.
" Now, can she sew ? " asked the young man.
" Oh yes . . . . yes, she can not only sew, but she is Kala Vati ! " answered the old man.
" What about her education ? " asked the young man.
" She is Vidya Vati ! " answered the old man.
" And the Vedas ? " asked the young man.
" Oh yes . . . . yes, she is Veda Vati ! " answered the old man.
The young man is very happy to find the perfect bride and gets married to her. Two days later, he comes back with his newly married bride in town. The old Brahmin is surprised.
He asks, " What happeded, my son ? " Why do you look so upset ?
The young man says, " Well sir, you told me that your daughter is already a Sundara Vati, Padma Vati, Dharma Vati, Kala Vati, Vidya Vati and a Veda Vati ? "
" Yes, my son - I certainly did " replies the old man.
" But Sir - you forgot to tell me that, she is also already a ' Garbha Vati ' !!! "
Private Reply to ~*~I, Me & Myself~*~ : writepushpa@gmail.com | | Jul 25, 2006 1:34 pm | | Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
CK Vishwakarma, PMP | | Teacher to Sardar : Make a sentence in which one word is repeated twice.
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Sardar : If Lara Dutta Marries Brian Lara, She will become Lara Lara,
Bolo Tararara!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Private Reply to CK Vishwakarma, PMP | | Jul 26, 2006 9:18 am | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A very loud, frumpy, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there....... are they twins?"
The frump stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't....... the oldest un, he's 9 and the young un, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 26, 2006 3:26 pm | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Three women and three men are traveling by train to
the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy
a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one
ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one
ticket?" asks one of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women. They all
board the train.
The three men take their respective seats but all
three women cram into a toilet together and close the
door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the
toilet door and says,
"Ticket, please.
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges
with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a
clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the
same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket
for the return trip but see, to their astonishment,
that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says
one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram
themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram
into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the
women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet
in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket,
please."
I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they
are smarter than women!!!
***************************************************************
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical . All of his tests come back
with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks
great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight friends. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light
goes off. "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe of
his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the
night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's
done, poof! The light goes off?"
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 31, 2006 11:08 am | | re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A mechanic was removing
the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart
surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the
service manager to come to take a look at his car.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come
over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked
over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on
a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also
open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish
this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you
and me are doing basically the same work? "
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try to do it when the engine is running".
*********************************************************************
"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign,
stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign
or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer,
"How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different,"
the officer smiled .
"Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned
as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police officer
in the area when he noticed the two ladies
driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest
he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.00."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 03, 2006 5:37 am | | re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Simanta Talukdar | | Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," replied the game warden and he left.
***************************************************
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Private Reply to Simanta Talukdar | | Aug 03, 2006 9:10 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | One evening, Mike went over to his friend, Terry's, house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs wide open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.
He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise, Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said "Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes, I did!" Terry's wife said "Well, you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay. She said "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work." Mike said "I'll see you then." The next day Mike went
over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left.
Later Terry came home and asked "Has Mike been over here today?" Thinking she had been caught, she said "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said "Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 until this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."
NOW THAT'S A TRUE PLAYAH Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 06, 2006 8:00 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, about mid eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
<><><><><><><>
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
<><><><><><><>
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
<><><><><><><>
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
<><><><><><><>
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
***************
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"
Keep Reading
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Keep Reading
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer ."
Keep Reading
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Keep Reading
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
Keep Reading
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
****************************************************************
I WONDER WHY I AM THE ONLY ONE POSTING ON THIS THREAD, HAVE YOU ALL LOST INTEREST OR DOES MY SENSE OF HUMOUR SUCK!?Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 07, 2006 2:36 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
SOEB FATEHI | | Aditya - your sense of humor is too good . . . . i am still figuring out how to put something on the thread which is worthy of standing by your side . . . . Private Reply to SOEB FATEHI | | Aug 09, 2006 2:30 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He
booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his
life. At least for a while. A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went
down and was lost instantly.
The man found himself swept up on the shores of an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star
hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So, for the next four months he ate
bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on
the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner
of his eye.It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from, and how did you get
here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. ! "I landed here when
my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," the software engineer said, "I didn't know
anyone else had survived.
How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up
with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up: nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches,I wove the
bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus
tree." "But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools
or hardware - how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island,
there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I
fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I
used that to make tools, and used the ! tools to make the hardware.But
enough of that.
Where do you live?" Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping
on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place then," she said. After a few minutes of
rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore,
he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the
rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead,
dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call
it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No, no, thank
you," he said, still dazed. "I couldn't drink another drop of coconut
juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have made a still -How about
a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the software engineer accepted, and
they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories,
the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to have a shower and a shave? There is a razor upstairs in
the cabinet in the bathroom.
" No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in
the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is absolutely amazing," he mused.
"What next?" When he returned, the woman greeted him. She beckoned for him
to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, Slithering
closer to him, brushing her leg against his, "We've both been out here for a
very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really
feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do for all of
these months."
She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing - this was
like all of his dreams coming true in one day.
..
.
You mean...," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
--- As narrated by the Girlfriend of a Software Engineer ; Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 10, 2006 3:22 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the
Boss would not
allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would
tell me to take
a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny
noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so
that the Boss
would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and
asked "What are
you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and
recuperate for a
couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss
asked her
"...And where do you think you're going?"
( You're gonna love this..... )
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She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the
dark!Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 11, 2006 8:44 am | | Munnabhai jokes | # | 
Dharmaraj Mungoore | | PROFESSOR
Gandhi Jayanti ke baray mein kya jantey ho?
MUNNA BHAI
Gandhi bahut jabardast aadmi tha, Baap. Maa Kasam,
par apun ko yeh nehin malum ke yeh Jayanti kaun hai.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CIRCUIT
Bhai, Bapu ne bola tha ke kabhi jhoot nehin bolna mangta hai.
Apun aaj se kabhi jhoot nehin bolega Bhai.
MUNNA BHAI
Aye Circuit, woh Sunita ka baap aya hai terayko dund rehla hai.
CIRCUIT
Bhai usko bolo apun gaon gaya hai, kheti karneko.
MUNNA BHAI
Par Circuit, abhi to tu bola kabhi jhoot nehin bolega.
CIRCUIT
Bhai, apun jhoot nehin bolega, par tum to bol sakta hai na.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MAMU
Chand toh raat ko nikalta hai,
aaj din mein kaise nikal aya?
GIRL
Ullu to raat ko bolta hai,
aaj din mein kaise bol pada?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CIRCUIT
Bhai, woh apnay bachpan ka dost aarehla aaj raat ko dinner pe.
Mera sara chain collection apnay kamray mein chupa do na please.
MUNNABHAI
Kyun tera dost chor hai kya?
CIRCUIT
Nehin Bhai, woh apnay chain pechan lega.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUNNA BHAI
Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?
CIRCUIT
Bhai, gaadi hai.
MUNNA BHAI
Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?
CIRCUIT
Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CIRCUIT
Aye Mamu, tereko papad aur jhapad mein pharak pata hai kya?
MAMU
Nehin.
CIRCUIT
To kha ke dekh le, pata chal jayega.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUNNA BHAI
Mamu, apun bachpan mein dus maley ke building se gir gaya tha.
MAMU
Aarey, phir kya hua. Bach gaya ki tapak gaya?
MUNNA BHAI
Yaad nehin hai yaar. Bahut purane baat hai.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MAMU
Oye, maar gayay yaar. Meri biwi aur premika saath saath aa rehla hai.
MAMU KA DOST
Arrey, mein bhi yehi bolnewala tha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CIRCUIT
Oye Short Circuit yeh light bulb pe baap ka naam kya likh raha hai?
SHORT CIRCUIT
Apun baap ka naam roshan kar rehle hai.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PRINCIPAL
Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200 Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.
MUNNA BHAI
Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu
Private Reply to Dharmaraj Mungoore | | Aug 13, 2006 9:36 am | | re: Munnabhai jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | THE IRISH BROTHEL
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing
some road damage directly across the street from a whore house.
They witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about, then ducking
into the house.
"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace,
those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!"
They both shook their heads and continued working.
A short time later they watched as a rabbi looked around cautiously
and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was
looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief,
"Is nothing holy to those Jewish rabbis? I just can't understand what
the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging
himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!".
Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was lurking about the
house, looking around to see if any one was watching, then quietly
sneaking in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap,
"One of the poor girls musta died.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 13, 2006 5:21 pm | | re: re: Jokes - Not since 1955 | # | 
Rajesh Pandey | | A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Aug 13, 2006 5:22 pm | | re: re: Jokes - The WC | # |
Rajesh Pandey | | In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whetherthe guest house contained a WC.
In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for "Water Closet". She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the lettersand concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.
As there are many people expected in the summer months,I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle.
My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time.
I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicatesounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters.
We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Aug 13, 2006 5:29 pm | | re: Jokes - Because I Never Take Risk | # |
Rajesh Pandey | | Guys - the original one is in Marathi but I do not have that version... ENJOY
I never take risk while drinking
When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen I stealthily enter the house Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame.
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk
I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg. Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack. Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile
I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: Any news on chopra's daughter's marriage
Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her
I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: But still I think chopra's daughter's age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...
I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard's place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink
Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep it in the black cupboard
Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: (getting angry) you call Mr. chopra a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue...!
Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly.
I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile
Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: (laughing) So chopra is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...
I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk
Chopra is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take what???...........Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Aug 13, 2006 5:31 pm | | re: re: Jokes - Baba's Magic | # |
Rajesh Pandey | | This is a conversation that took place between a customer(Y) and a marketing guy(X)
X: Which shaving cream do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which aftershave do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which deodorant do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which toothpaste do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which shampoo do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which socks do you use?
Y: Baba's
X (Frustrated): Okay, tell me, what is this Baba? Is it an international company??? .. .. .. .. .. ..
Y: No, He is my roommate
Cheers to all the bachelors of the world!!!! Married people (or soon-to-get-married) can observe 2 minutes of silenceto mourn the loss of this privilege.Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Aug 13, 2006 5:33 pm | | re: Jokes - The Spoon | # |
Rajesh Pandey | | Here's a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization:
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we could save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our "you know what", we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon." Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Aug 13, 2006 5:35 pm | | re: Jokes - How to find if a guy is virgin | # |
Rajesh Pandey | | "A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Kuala Lumpur. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice.
"Daughter, when you're in KL and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following requirements Mother set for you. You must find a man that is 'faithful', not 'spendthrift' and must be a 'virgin'."
With this advise from her mother, the girl went to Town. After some months later, she came home to her kampung to get her mother's blessings to marry.
"Mother, I've met my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for a holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn't that being faithful?".
Her mother nodded in agreement.
"Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, we shared one room only. Isn't he not spendthrift guy?"
For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.
"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin".
"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked with repidition.
"Mmm....his 'that one' is new......still wrapped up in plastic, mum!" Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Aug 13, 2006 5:38 pm | | re: re: Jokes - The Statues | # |
Rajesh Pandey | | There are these two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park.
A few hundred years after they've been put in place, an angel flutters down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues have been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals.
The angel says, "I have been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be quick-you only have fifteen minutes until you must become statues again."
The man looks at the woman, and they both flush, and giggle, and run off into some underbrush. An intense rustling comes from the bushes and seven minutes later, they both come back to the angel, obviously satisfied.
The angel smiles at the couple. "That was only seven minutes-why not go back and do it again?"
The former statues look at each other for a minute, and then the woman says, "Why not? But let's reverse it-this time, you hold down the pigeon and I'll shit on it..."Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Aug 13, 2006 5:40 pm | | re: re: Jokes - Laughing the guts out | # |
Rajesh Pandey | | This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was. He said, "Darling, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Aug 13, 2006 5:41 pm | | re: re: re: Jokes - The Sexologists Convention | # |
Rajesh Pandey | | A man boards a Jet Airways airplane from Delhi to Mumbai and takes his seat.
As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he asks "Business trip or vacation?"
She turns, smiles, and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Sexologists Convention."
He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him, and she's a sexologist!
Struggling to contain his excitement and maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he says, swallowing hard. "What m-m-m-myths are those?"
Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that Negro men are the best endowed when, in fact, it's the Tamilian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the Bengali.
However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Sardarji."
Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Venkatraman!" the man blurts. " Venkatraman Mukherjee! But my friends call me Santa Singh!"
Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Aug 13, 2006 8:19 pm | | re: re: re: re: Jokes - The Sexologists Convention | # |
Aditya Seth | | A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best
friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there,
the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi.... I'm so glad that you called.... Really? That's
wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time....
Oh, that sounds terrific.... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful
time he's having on his fishing trip with you."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 14, 2006 8:22 am | | re: re: re: re: re: Jokes - The Sexologists Convention | # |
Aditya Seth | | PRAYING
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long,
long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and
there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and
after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow
fashion, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the
Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray
for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in
safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 14, 2006 9:36 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes - The Sexologists Convention | # |
Aditya Seth | | Moms will be Moms !
MONA LISA'S MOTHER:
"This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on braces?"
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS'S MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER:
"Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know
how hard it is to get this junk off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER:
"All right, if you're not hiding your report card inside your
jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb.
Now turn it off and go to sleep!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But it's your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done
something about your hair?"
MOSES'S MOTHER:
"That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for
the last forty years!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 15, 2006 11:00 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | LOW FARE AIR TRAVEL - a new era of nightmares
-------------------------------------------------
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I
see your ticket? Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5,please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit. Passenger:
But I already knew where to sit. Attendant:
Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat-locator fee
of $5. It's the airline's new policy. Passenger:
That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay
it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or
not? Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the
airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag
looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the
overhead compartment for you? Passenger: That would be
swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem (grunts). Up we go, and done!
That will be $10, please. Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on
assistance fee. Passenger: This is extortion. I won't
stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right -- you can't stand.
You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're
about to push back from the gate. But first I need
that $10. Passenger: No way.
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced
to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me
to do that. Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot
me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing
fee. Passenger: Oh, all right, here -- take the $10. I
can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is
there anything else I can do for you? Passenger: Yes.
It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem
to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just
insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for
the first five minutes. Passenger: The airline is
charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is
provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that
costs 50 cents. Passenger: I don't have any quarters.
Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go! Passenger: But
you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 25
cents Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left
is a lousy quarter? Whatever will I do with it?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the
lavatory. Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 22, 2006 6:07 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and
put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then
asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels fantastic, but my thumb still hurts like hell."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 22, 2006 6:15 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining
his subordinates "Look everything should be in balance. For example, after
every 10
deer there should be a lion.
Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States. I
have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have
given them insecurity and tension....
And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature.
But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes....
And here is South America. I have given them lots of forests.
But at the same time, I have given them lesser land
so that they would have to cut off the forests... So you see fellows,
everything should be in balance.
One of the angels asked... "God, what is this
extremely beautiful country here?"
God said....... "Ahah...that is the crown piece of all.
"INDIA", my most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly
people.
Sparkling streams, serene mountains. A culture which speaks of the
great tradition that they live. Technologically brilliant and with a heart
of
gold.....
The angel was quite surprised: "But god you said everything
should be n balance."
God replied -- "Look at the neighbors I gave them."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 24, 2006 6:52 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | "Ravan was sent to court & was asked for the customary pledge: "Ab aap Geeta
par haath rakh kar ........etc. etc."
He refused saying:
"Sita par hath rakh kar itni musibat aayi!
Ab Geeta pe haath nahin rakhunga...Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 24, 2006 1:11 pm | | re: Jokes | # |
Rajesh Pandey | | Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.
But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time.
Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already
RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South... and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."
Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Aug 24, 2006 1:19 pm | | re: re: re: Jokes | # |
Rajesh Pandey | | A man and a woman, who had never met before, found
themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman,
saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we're married?"
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he is excited.
And she says : "Get up and take it yourself...u asshole!!!"Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Aug 24, 2006 1:23 pm | | re: re: Jokes | # |
Rajesh Pandey | | A blind man walks into a little restaurant and sits down.
The owner, walks up to him and hands him a menu.
I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and Picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah,yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and tells his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened.
The blind man eats and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to > the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is Screwing around with him and tells his wife Gladys that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells
his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Gladys complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Hey, I didn't know Gladys worked here!"Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Aug 24, 2006 1:29 pm | | re: re: re: Jokes | # |
Rajesh Pandey | | Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices 3 buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.
They begin talking. After about 5 minutes, Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the 2 countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much else but say "I'm going back home!" he tells Saddam. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
Two weeks pass and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the 2 men sit down, Hussein notices 3 buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the American's revenge.
They begin talking and Saddam is uncooperative, Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers.
A few seconds later, as Hussein continues his belligerence, Bush presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.
As things progress, then the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Bush then says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Aug 24, 2006 1:33 pm | | re: Jokes | # |
Rajesh Pandey | | At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
*The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has it's advantages.*Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Aug 24, 2006 6:28 pm | | re: re: Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of
life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and
said " All I want out of life is four little animals,
just like my mom always says ."
The teacher asked "Really and what four little animals
would that be?"
The little girl said. "A mink on my back, a jaguar
in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for
it all." Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 25, 2006 1:09 pm | | re: Jokes - Kids can be funny | # |
Rajesh Pandey | | NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
-----
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
-----
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
-----
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
-----
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
-----
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
-----
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
-----
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
-----
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
-----
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!
Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Aug 30, 2006 3:01 pm | | re: re: Jokes - Kids can be funny | # |
Aditya Seth | | A very distinguished looking Indian lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.
The Proprietor, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop,runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.
To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her right inner thigh, very high up.
"Right here," she says, " I want you to tattoo a clay lamp, and underneath it I want the word Diwali."
Then she points to her left thigh just as high up, and says, "On this side,I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top, and underneath it I want the word 'Christmas'
The owner looks at her. "Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?"
" Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Diwali and Christmas". Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 30, 2006 3:08 pm | | re: re: re: Jokes - Kids can be funny | # |
Aditya Seth | | It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for ļæ½50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a ļæ½5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you." "I asked him what to give you."
He said, "F**k him. Give him a fiver" She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 30, 2006 3:16 pm | | re: re: re: re: Jokes - Kids can be funny | # |
Aditya Seth | | At dawn the telephone rings."Hello, Senor Claude? This is Ernesto the
caretaker at your country house.""Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is
there a problem?""Hum, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Claude, that
your parrot died."My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International
competition?""Si, Senor, that's the one.""Damn! That's a pity! I spent a
small fortune on that bird.""What did he die from?""From eating rotten meat,
Senor Claude"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?""Nobody, Senor.
He ate the meat of the dead horse.""Dead horse? What dead horse?""The
thoroughbred, Senor Claude.""My prize thoroughbred is dead?""Yes, Senor
Claude, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."ļæ½?oAre you
insane? What water cart?""The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."Good
Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?""The one at your house, Senor! A
candle fell and the curtains caught onfire.""What the hell??....Are you
saying that my mansion is destroyed because ofa candle??!!!"Yes, Senor
Claude.""But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle
for?""For the funeral, Senor Claude."WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"Your wife's, Senor
Claude... She's showed up one night out of the blue andI thought she was a
thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods
NikeDriver."SILENCE..................., LONG SILENCE...."Ernesto if you
broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 02, 2006 2:18 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Jokes - Kids can be funny | # |
Aditya Seth | | A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named
your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers."Come on, Dick, we're leaving." Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 03, 2006 3:35 am | | re: re: Jokes - Kids can be funny | # |
RAJAN ADVANI | |
Private Reply to RAJAN ADVANI | | Sep 03, 2006 3:59 am | | re: re: re: Jokes - Kids can be funny | # |
RAJAN ADVANI | |
--------------------------------------------------------A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
here goes...
Your wife decides to go out with her friends on a girls night dancing....
You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night....
You hear her stumble into bed around 4am and laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover....
You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night...
You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece....
You circle the car looking for dents and find none....
But then .... Wait a minute....
A picture is worth a thousand words....
Private Reply to RAJAN ADVANI | | Sep 03, 2006 11:24 am | | re: re: re: re: Jokes - Kids can be funny | # |
Aditya Seth | | A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down
and engage in an animated conversation. The lady
sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say
the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come
together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I
come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the
lady indignantly. "In this country. . we don't speak
aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'
abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to
spell Mississippi'."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 03, 2006 1:37 pm | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
sathya says .. .... | | My all time fav..
news flash: A two seater cessna aircraft crash landed in a cemetry in punjab. The all Sardar rescue team has recovered 100 bodies and expect many more to come..
Private Reply to sathya says .. .... | | Sep 03, 2006 2:14 pm | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Rajesh Pandey | | Last in Line
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks himwhat his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Sep 03, 2006 2:16 pm | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Rajesh Pandey | | A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Sep 03, 2006 2:24 pm | | re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Rajesh Pandey | | Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what
a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar
bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for
it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to
go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
~~~~~~~~~~
A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a parrot.
He pulled over, picked the poor parrot, who was still alive, but Unconscious.
He decided to take him home.
When the motorist got home, he put the parrot in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside.
When the parrot regained consciousness, he looked around and said: "BARS, bread, water!!!!...Oh my God!! I have killed the motorist!!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a well-known artist.
She told the artist, "Paint me with three-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful, red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Three accountants were standing at the urinals.
The first accountant finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two bankers, he said, "At Price Waterhouse Coopers", we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second accountant finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, at "E&Y", not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third accountant finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Shah & Patel, we don't pee on our hands."
~~~~~~~~~~
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent.
As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.
You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent".
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back,
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly."
"Good", the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."Private Reply to Rajesh Pandey | | Sep 04, 2006 4:12 pm | | Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
anisha@work from home.com | | thought this one was funny!!
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical
with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says,
"I will need a urine sample,
a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing,
turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"Private Reply to anisha@work from home.com | | Sep 06, 2006 11:39 am | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm.One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf
round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'Yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.
The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 10 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:40."
She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:40."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed.The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out.She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!
In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 10 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!
Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up.Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked
her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf
right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his 'you-know-what' was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical."
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"
She answered: "Then I'm ten minutes late". Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 06, 2006 11:47 am | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | There was a gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its gas sales,
so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7)."
"Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time."
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.
The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged. He doesn't give away free sex."
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 07, 2006 5:51 am | | re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he
beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly,
luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not?
You're nice lookin' too and! it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't
we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same
table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all
just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come
from in Georgia, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble
y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 08, 2006 4:33 pm | | re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually
looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is
your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this
state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman
says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond
explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The
woman says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not
wearing any knickers...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it
must be broken because I am wearing knickers!" Bond smirks, taps his
watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast. "Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 10, 2006 8:40 am | | re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick
Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a
slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Home Secretary John
Reid said he believes the man is a member of the
notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the
man, who has been charged by the Metropolitan Police
with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They
desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes
go off on tangents in a search of absolute values.
They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer
to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined
they belong to a common denominator of the axis of
medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the
Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3
sides to every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister
Tony Blair, speaking from his holiday resort before
the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us
to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would
have given us more fingers and toes."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 18, 2006 12:03 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought..... Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....
On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested
in possibly doing business.".....
"Very well my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door"............. He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".......
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.... He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:..........
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNERPrivate Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 18, 2006 1:52 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Zubair Ahmed | | Raj and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate
their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have c
eased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see
an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.
However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on
the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the
island.
An hour later Raj turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5
lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Raj, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our
ICICI Bank Master card yet?"
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.
"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan
to them too this month ?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Raj," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."
Raj grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Mona pulls away
and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"
Raj answers,
"They'll find us!"Private Reply to Zubair Ahmed | | Sep 21, 2006 3:12 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we're married?"
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he says
And she says : "Get up and take it yourself"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 23, 2006 6:54 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed
the world, your reward is, you can hang out with
anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I
want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and
introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you
were the one who invented the Harley Davidson
motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing
something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and
pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he
said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of
woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional,
you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end
protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too
much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied
God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a
few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read
it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 24, 2006 3:04 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 300 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.
At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.
The farmer asked the manager, "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"
The manager answered, "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 25, 2006 4:08 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet
twenty-thousand Euros (Eu.20,000) on a single roll of
the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new
clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were
watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb,
but all men are men. Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 25, 2006 7:09 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three
pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finished all three, he comes back to the bar and
orders three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat
after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought
one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see,
I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in
Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember
the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and
leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the
bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three
pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from
each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the
other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When
he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your
great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a
lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he
says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..."
"...I've quit drinking!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 28, 2006 12:52 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she
goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos
all
over his arms answers.
She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in
order to join.
The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and
points
to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep...drink like a fish. I'll drink any man
in
your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least four
packs
of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm
shooting
pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been
picked
up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope ... but I've been
swung
around by the nipples a few timesPrivate Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 28, 2006 1:13 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and
says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." Sir,"
replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your
sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right
it is!" replied the old man "That's why I want it
lowered!"
A 70 yr. old nurse walks into a bank and prepares to
endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls
out a rectal thermometer and tries to
write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for
a moment, then realizing her mistake,she says, "Well
that's great......just great.....Some asshole's got my
pen."
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was
your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older
than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?!?!"
I've sure gotten old. I've had two by-pass surgeries.
A hip replacement,new knees, fought prostate cancer,
and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92.Have lost all my friends.
But ..thank God, I still have my driver's license!
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her
will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and
second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart.
"Walmart!" the rabbi exclaimed."Why Walmart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week."
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having
a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of
the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end,
puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get
wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day,Maude hobbles herself into the local
drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she
wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously
embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely. she is
after all, over 80 years of age. But very delicately
asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel
!!!" Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 29, 2006 11:56 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient sexual activity read
their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off, now, it's too late.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 30, 2006 5:03 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Three blondes passed every day through a street that led them from their room to their office. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, "Red, blue, black."
One of the blondes noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to her friends, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."
Hearing that, girls were astonished!! One of the blondes spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."
Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should wear any underwear. So, next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.
They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 30, 2006 5:06 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Norwegian Maths
A Norwegian man wants a job, but the
foreman won't hire him
until he passes a little math
test.
"Here's your first question," the
foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent
the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Norwegian
says, "Dat is?? Easy."
And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain??
Tree and tree and tree make nine,"
says the Norwegian.
"Fair enough," says the boss.
"Here's your second question. Use the same
Rules, but this time the number is
99."
The Norwegian stares into space for
a while, then picks up the picture
That he has just drawn and makes a
smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and
sas,
"How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"
"Each of DA trees is dirty now.?
So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and dirty tree.
Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that
he's going to actually have to hire this
Norwegian, so he says, "All right,
last question.? Same rules again,
But represent the number 100."
The Norwegian stares into space
some more, then he picks up the picture
Again and makes a little mark at the
base of each tree and says, "Ere you
Go. One hundred!"
The boss looks at the attempt. "You
must be nuts if you think that
Represents a hundred!"
(You're going to love this one!!!)
The Norwegian leans forward and
points to the marks at the base of each
Tree and says, "A little dog came
along and crap by each tree. So now you
Got dirty tree and a turd, dirty
tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd,
Dat make one hundred... So, when I
start?" Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 02, 2006 2:28 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Shabbar Suterwala | | Nurse: Sardarji Mubarak Ho Aap Papa Ban Gaye!!
Sardar: Meri Wife Ko Mat Bolna Main Usse Surprise Dunga!!Private Reply to Shabbar Suterwala | | Oct 02, 2006 2:35 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More J | # |
Shabbar Suterwala | | Letter from Banta Singh to Bill Gates.
Dear Bill Gates,
This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab.
We have got a computer in our home and we face
some Problem, which I want to bring to your notice.
After connecting to Internet we planned to open an
email account.
But when ever we fill the Form of Hotmail, in password
field only * comes.
But in rest of the fields whatever we typed comes but
we faced The problem only in Password field.
We checked with Hardware vendor and he said that there
is no problem in keyboard.
Because of this we have opened the email account with
password *****.
But I request u to check this as we our self don't
know what is the password!!!.
The next one is that we are unable to enter anything
after we shut down the computer. There is a button for start but not for pause, stop as in stereo recorder. We request u to add the same in future.
There is a option as RUN in menu. This one ! of my
neighbor after clicking started running and he has run up to Amritsar from Chandigarh. So we request u change that to SIT.
So that we can click that by sitting.
One doubt is that can I click Re cycle bin. I own a
scooter in my home. Is there a separate option as Re scooter bin available in the system?
In Microsoft outlook we are able to see the outer view
of the mail. Is there an in look through which we can have
inner view of the mail?
The last one is my wife has lost the door key of our
house. So I searched for the same in search option of start icon.
But I did not find the same there also .Is it a bug?
Rest In next letter.
Yours Anonymously
Banta Singh.
Private Reply to Shabbar Suterwala | | Oct 10, 2006 5:58 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and Mo | # |
Aditya Seth | | A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee." What's the matter, dear?" She whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"I would have been out of jail today and a free man!" Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 16, 2006 1:43 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes an | # |
Aditya Seth | | Ram Lal praying to Bhagwan:
Bhagwanji, mujhey dard de,
mujhey dukh de,
meri raton ki neend barbad kar de,
mere din ka chain taba kar de,
mere peechey bhoot laga de.
so Bhagwan said to Ram Lal:
Abbey saley, saaf saaf ek line main bol ke .."mujhey biwi chahiye."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 16, 2006 3:34 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Joke | # |
Aditya Seth | | A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together.
Their three kids,all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one ... "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you a present."
"Not to worry," said the dad. "The important thing is that we're all
here together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great,Dad.Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present ..sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary!
I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us
are together today."
After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and
fork, looked up and said, "There's something your mother and I have
wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this,we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but . we just never found the time to get married."
The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the dad. "And cheap ones too!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 19, 2006 8:21 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , | # |
Aditya Seth | | The owner of a golf course in Tennessee was confused
about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some
mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated
from The
University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I
were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
"Everything but my
earrings."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 21, 2006 7:30 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Joke | # |
Aditya Seth | | A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a
Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives
her the drink she says,
"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and
it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday,
I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her
right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a
Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,
"I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want
another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying
of curiosity Why the Scotch with only two drops of
water?"
The old woman replies,
"Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold
your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole
other issue." Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 21, 2006 11:49 am | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
RVIyengar | | The First Date A young girl had just returned from her first date with a handsome hunk and could not hide her happiness when she met her friends. "What was the experience like?" asked one of her friends. "Oh, it was wonderful", cooed the girl. "He sat very close to me and whispered sweet nothings into my ears, and then..." She stopped here for effect, and beamed at her friends. "What happened then?" chorused all her friends. The girl continued, "Then he put his arms around me, and pulled me closer to him. He caressed my nape and...." She put her hand over her nape as she narrated this. A look of horror suddenly came over her face and she clutched her throat and screamed, "Oh God, where is my gold chain?" Private Reply to RVIyengar | | Oct 22, 2006 5:22 pm | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well
that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few
drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then
washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and
washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him
and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure
that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love. After
they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really
good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says "Sure, I'm a good
dentist, how did you figure that out?"
She replies "Didn't feel a thing."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 30, 2006 3:57 pm | | re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Love Story
I will seek and find you . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan &
groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be
relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your
flu shot!Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 02, 2006 5:21 pm | | re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars
for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten
dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you
buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had
to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman
replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked "No," I don't waste time
shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend
all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the
homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in
20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner
with my hubby and myself tonight. The homeless Woman
was astounded.
"Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that?"
I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting.
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments, and wine. Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 02, 2006 5:23 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Change your language
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes o ver to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 08, 2006 12:08 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and
said, "Honey, 25 Years ago, we had a cheap apartment,
a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a
10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every
night with a hot 25-year old blond. Now, we have a
nice house, nice car, big bed, and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 50-year old woman. It seems
to me that you are not holding up your side of
things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman....
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year old
blond, and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
and sleeping on a sofa bed.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 08, 2006 12:11 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A man while playing on the front nine of a complicated
golf course, became confused as to where he was on the
course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of
him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and
asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole
behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back
nine the same thing happened; and he approached her
again with the same request.
She said, "I m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind
me, so you must be on the 13th ! hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He
finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he
saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He
asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender
said that she was a saleswoman and played the course
often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in
appreciation for your help. I understand that you are
in the sales profession. I`m in sales also. What do
you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you`ll laugh."
"No, I won`t."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for
Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his
breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That`vs not what I`m laughing at," he replied. "I`m a
toilet paper salesman, so I`m still a hole behind you.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 08, 2006 12:50 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
charuhasan | |
I was a lawyer 30 years and I am entitled to send you this Joke
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned!
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."
Charu Private Reply to charuhasan | | Nov 08, 2006 4:19 pm | | Jokes and More Jokes | # |
*May the force be with you* Anish Dutia | | Brilliant !
Keep them coming !Private Reply to *May the force be with you* Anish Dutia | | Nov 09, 2006 10:03 am | | re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Zubair Ahmed | | Two women friends had gone for a "girl's night out."
They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas and got drunk.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery.
One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her Panties and use them.
Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them...
Luckily she had squatted
next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.
The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over..
He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls' nights out have got
to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION..... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!"
Private Reply to Zubair Ahmed | | Nov 09, 2006 11:30 am | | re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays, she points out that he happy child is theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?," one says to the other. "All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another."
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we pull the pacifier out of his Rear."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 10, 2006 6:46 am | | re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Zubair Ahmed | | Sardar declares:
.. . . I will never marry in my life&. . .
.. . . I'll give same advice to my children also. . . . .
============ ========= =========
===========
SARDAR talking on cell.
2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho.
1ST: biwi se.....
2ND: itne... pyar se....?
1ST: tumhari hai. . .
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
A donkey kicked sardar & ran away
sardar ran to catch the donkey. He saw a zebra & started beating it &
said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
SLAM BOOK filled by Santa.
1.Strength:My wife,Jeeto.
2.Weakness:Banta' s wife,Preeto.
3.Oppurtunity: When Banta is on tour.
4.Threat:When I am on tour
============ ========= ========= ========
sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml
now it's 1.5 ltr.
============ ========= ========= =====
On Jeeto's bday
Sardar had no money, so he sent a cheque of 100 kisses.
When he returns home Jeeto said: Thanks I got cheque cashed from bank
manager.
============ ========= ========= ========
teacher: make a sentence in which 1 word repeated 4 times
sardar: lara dutta marries brian lara and she becomes lara lara
============ ========= ========= ======
Teacher: is line ki english banao, usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi gya.
Santa: He done his work and done dana dan done dana dan....
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
Santa went to mysore palace.
Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair
Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up when he comes.!!..
Private Reply to Zubair Ahmed | | Nov 12, 2006 5:03 pm | | re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | The Golfer and the Dentist A man and his wife walked
into a dentist's office. The man said to the
Dentist,
"Doc, I'm in a real hurry.! I have two buddies
sitting
out in my Car waiting for me to go play golf. So
forget about the anaesthetic and just Pull the tooth
and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at
the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already.
I
don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to
work!"
The Dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this
is
surely a very brave Man asking to have his tooth
pulled without using anything to kill the Pain." So
the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The
man
turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey,
and show him." Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 18, 2006 7:44 am | | re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | T wo priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. To improve their chances of having a real vacation, they decided not to wear anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying their drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead, gorgeous, blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
When she passed them,she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits - outfits so loud you could hear them coming before you even saw them. Once again, they settled down on the beach to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde came walking toward them. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, said "Good morning Father," and walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it. "Just a minute young lady," he said. "Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Veronica."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 19, 2006 8:51 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Apple Computer reported today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play music inside women's breasts .
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to
them. Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 19, 2006 10:33 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his Sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 20, 2006 5:42 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
pradeep4601 | |
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned!
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you two to the electric chair."
Private Reply to pradeep4601 | | Nov 20, 2006 6:30 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
RAJAN ADVANI | | Four nuns are standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.
"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.
"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.
"Why did you push ahead in line?" asked Peter.
"Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!" replied the nun.
Private Reply to RAJAN ADVANI | | Nov 20, 2006 4:56 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly,
Made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly
Into the garage to hook up the boat for the fishing,
And proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The rain was coming down sideways and the wind was
Blowing 80 kph. I pulled back into the garage, turned
And proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The rain was coming down sideways and the wind was
Blowing 80 kph. I pulled back into the garage, turned
On the radio and discovered that the weather would be
Bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
Slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's
Back, now with a different anticipation and whispered,
"the weather out there is terrible!"
Sleepily she replied "can you believe my stupid
Husband is out there fishingPrivate Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 20, 2006 11:25 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
pradeep4601 | | Two voices; male and female; seated on a plane
"I think everyone's asleep; lets go"
Sound of steps.
"This one's empty . no one's looking . you go in
first"
"It a bit cramped - let me sit down"
"Have you got the condom?
"Quick, put it on"
Sniff sniff
"Ah perfume - you think of everything"
"This is great..." (long sigh)
Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.
This is the captain speaking to those two people
in the rear toilet.
We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"
(so what did u think......u filthy dirty mind !~[}:;"'<>?/ @#$%^&*()_+|)
Private Reply to pradeep4601 | | Nov 21, 2006 7:11 am | | : Jokes and More Jokes | # |
RAJAN ADVANI | | So there was this engineer who was tragically hit by a bus and killed instantly.
He had lead a good life, but for some reason he found himself, rather than at the pearly gates, in the Other Place. Not one to complain, he shrugged and submitted himself to the tortures and other indignities common in Hell.
Soon after he arrived, there was a problem with one of the many furnaces. The engineer was happy to help out (he volunteered as wanted a challenge) and before long it was up and running again.
This brought him to the attention of one of the senior demons that then had him working all over Hell fixing the torture devices, working out the kinks in the plumbing system, installing digital controls to the flame throwers . . . you name it.
Pretty soon word reached Satan that Hell had a great new addition to the team. The engineer then got taken under the Boss' wing (so to speak) as he planned and oversaw the creation of a giant new computer network. Pretty soon, word of all these improvements reached Heaven.
God was pretty upset about all this, and he had St. Peter look into the details (it had been a computer error, the engineer had been destined for one of the mid levels of Heaven). So God called Satan up and told him he wanted the engineer back.
"Nothing doing," said Satan, "You sent him down here, and we're keeping him!"
"What?" sputtered God, "You get him up here right now! That's a direct Order!"
"Listen pal, I don't take orders from you any more. Remember that 'rule in hell' agreement?"
God was beside himself. "If you don't send that engineer up here right now, I'll . . . I'll sue you!"
"Oh, sure!" Satan shot back gleefully. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Private Reply to RAJAN ADVANI | | Nov 21, 2006 1:02 pm | | re: : Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Melwyn Mark DSouza | | Diary of a Blonde Bride
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today
I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately ". Well, I didn't have
enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine
though.
Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing". So I
didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so
startled when I served them. I think it was the salad.
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe, which said, "Wash thoroughly before
steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kind
of silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
Thursday: Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients
, and then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a
garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over
one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
He must be stressed at work; I'll try and be supportive.
Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl
and beat it". Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe,
because when I came back home again; it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday: Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for
Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I
found an old doll dress and its little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim
saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted
the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "Why me?
Why me?"
It has to be his job
Private Reply to Melwyn Mark DSouza | | Nov 22, 2006 1:22 pm | | re: re: : Jokes and More Jokes | # |
pradeep4601 | | Teacher asked her student,"Boy. what is your problem?"
Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms radhika had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office.
While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.radhika he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed.Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade tells her, "I think Boy.can go to the third-grade."
Ms.radhika says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy. both agree.
Ms.radhika asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Ms.radhika : "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."
Ms.radhika : What starts with a C and ends with a T,is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Ms.radhika : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
T
he principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,Boy. was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
Ms.radhika : What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and A dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands
Ms.radhika: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yes.
Ms.radhika : You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Ms.radhika : A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Ms.radhika: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well,I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Ms.radhika : I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Ms.radhika: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
Ms.radhika: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
Ms.radhika : What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wifeafter they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME
Ms.radhika : What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send This Boy to IIM Ahmedabad, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
Private Reply to pradeep4601 | | Nov 25, 2006 12:20 pm | | Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Rikky Gupta | | They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the
way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes
sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You
shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose...
Private Reply to Rikky Gupta | | Nov 27, 2006 6:37 am | | re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
pradeep4601 | | Apples and Wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy to pick up.........
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along,
the one who is brave enough to climb to the top of the tree.
Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked.
Now MEN........ Men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up
to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!
Private Reply to pradeep4601 | | Nov 27, 2006 12:18 pm | | re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | This guy was lonely and he decided life would be more
fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that
he wanted to buy an
unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,
(100-legged bug,)which came in a little white box to
use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for
the box, and decided he would start off by taking his
new pet to the bar to have a drink.
He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to
go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes
and then asked Him
again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink
with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and
pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about
the situation. He decided to ask him one more time;
this time putting his face up against the centipede's
house and started shouting, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU
LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE DRINK WITH ME?!"
* * * A little voice came out of the box - "I heard
you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes." Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 27, 2006 12:30 pm | | re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Nominated as best short joke of the year!! A three
year old was examining his testicles while he was
taking a bath.
"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mother replied: "Not yet." Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 29, 2006 9:13 am | | re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Not long after his marriage, Joe and his father, met
for lunch. "Well, son," asked the father, "how is
married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed Joe. "It seems I
married a nun."
"A nun?" his father questioned.
"That's right," moaned Joe. "None in the morning, none
at night, and none at all unless I beg!"
Joe's father nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on
the back a couple of times.
"Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and
have a nice talk?"
Joe smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"
"Fine," replied the father, "I'll call home and tell
the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 29, 2006 6:32 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
pradeep4601 | | A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"
To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"
Private Reply to pradeep4601 | | Dec 02, 2006 8:29 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later and he has recovered enough to speak.
"Thanks," he croaks.
"That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord. The guy says, "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't."
"Where's your car?" the landlord asks.
"At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place. "
"Be my guest," the guy says.
So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple.
"What's going on here?" he asks.
"It's all right, officer, "explains the landlord, "She's my wife."
The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."
Looking at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 04, 2006 4:38 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry
me?"
The guy said "No." and the girl lived happily ever
after and went shopping,drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.
The End :)Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 05, 2006 4:32 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Richard Branson has offered to sponsor the Indian cricket team. The BCCI has refused saying "We cant have "VIRGIN" written on our shirt sleeves, when we are getting screwed in every match". Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 06, 2006 5:40 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | To address a major gathering of the American Indian
Nation last weekend in Arizona, President Bush spoke
for almost an hour, of his future plans for increasing
every Native American's present standard of living.
Though vague on the details of his plan, he appeared
enthusiastic about his ideas for helping his "red
brothers."
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes
presented the President with a plaque inscribed with
his new Indian name -- 'Walking Eagle'.
As the President departed waving to the crowd in his
motorcade, a news reporter asked the group of chiefs
how they came to select the new name given to the
President.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to
a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly. Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 09, 2006 9:32 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | How the Jews got The Ten Commandments
God went to the Arabs and said, " I have Commandments for you, that will make your lives better "
The Arabs asked, " What are Commandments ? Can you give us an example ? "
God said, " For example ........... Thou shall not kill "
The Arabs were shocked, " What ? Not kill ? No way ! Killing and massacaring innocent people is our birth-right and the only reason for our existence. No. We are not interested "
So God went to the Africans and said, " I have Commandments "
The Africans wanted an example.
God said, " For example .......... Honor thy Father and Mother "
The Africans were dismayed. They said, " Father ? Yo maan ! Can't tell for sure, who our fathers are, maan ! "
So God went to the Mexicans and said, " I have Commandments "
The Mexicans wanted an example.
God said, " For example ........... Thou shall not steal "
The Mexicans were flabbergasted. They said, " No steal ? No steal ??? Hey Senor, we no steal then how we live, huh ? Gracias, but no ! "
So God went to the French and said, " I have Commandments "
The French wanted an example.
God said, " For example ........... Thou shall not commit adultery "
The French were stunned. They said, " What ? Not commit ze adultery ....... ? Non, Non, Non. Non Monsieur. Pardonnez nous. We ze French, must have ze romance "
So God went to the Jews and said, " I have Commandments "
They asked, " Commandments ? How much do they cost ? "
God replied, " They are free "
The Jews answered, " Good. We shall take Ten !!! "Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 13, 2006 3:40 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | It seems during the middle ages in Europe, due to the population explosion amongst the poor people, screwing was prohibited unless it was explicitly permitted by the Government/King. Since, whenever someone wanted to screw they needed to put up a sign saying Fornication Under Consent of King which equals to FUCK. Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 13, 2006 4:25 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, ļæ½Sir, can you tell me the time?ļæ½ The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, ļæ½It is a quarter to three, young man.ļæ½
ļæ½Thanks,ļæ½ said the boy. ļæ½At exactly three oļæ½clock you can kiss my ass.ļæ½
With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him.
He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.
ļæ½Why are you running like this at your age?ļæ½ asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, ļæ½That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!ļæ½
ļæ½So his friend said whats the hurry? You still got 15 mins.ļæ½Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 19, 2006 2:39 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Santa Singh needed some money desperately. Banta tells him that if he prays to Shivji in a temple, his prayers would surely be answered.
So Santa goes to a Shiva temple. The temple had a large Lord Shiva statue. Santa closes his eyes, bows his head, joins his hands and says his prayer.
Santa: "Ho Jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Saannoo 100 rupayen chahiye. Kripa karo."
The priest sees Santa praying, he wants to help but knows that a Sikh never accepts money from another man. So he drops a 100-rupee note, from behind the statue, so that Santa can not see him.
After Santa had says his prayers, and opens his eyes. He sees the note and thinks that God has listened to his prayers. He takes the note and goes away.
However he is back again the next day for more money. Now the priest is really annoyed with Santa and decides that he is not going to give any more money to Santa. He changes the big Shivji statue with a smaller one of Ganapati that day.
Once again Santa goes to the prayer room. However he does not notice the difference. Santa closes his eyes, bows his head, joins his hands and says his prayer.
Santa: "Ho Jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Ajj to saannoo 50 rupayen hi chahiye. Kirpa karo."
After that he slowly opens his eyes and does not find any money. So he lowers his demand a bit.
Santa: "O papa jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Asee 10 rupayen me hi kaam chala lenge. Kirpa karo jee."
Again he slowly opens his eyes and does not find any money. He slowly raises his head and now notices the small Ganapati statue.
He carefully looks left and then right, and then slowly moves a bit forward near the statue.
Then he whispers to the statue: "Puttar, Papa kitthe hein ??!! Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 21, 2006 11:26 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices
that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me.When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1,you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a
hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm
married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 27, 2006 11:48 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
pradeep4601 | | And the Winner is. . .
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to Mother?
Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in union.
"Okay, Dad. You get the toy."
Private Reply to pradeep4601 | | Dec 28, 2006 11:31 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
H.K.L. Sachdeva | | As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that's impossible . . . we could never do it . . . yes
Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
Private Reply to H.K.L. Sachdeva | | Dec 28, 2006 1:56 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Side effects of alcohol and remedies:
1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward
2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause : You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause : You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite drink!
4. Symptom : The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you!
5. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause : You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!
6. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.
7 . Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause : You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their jobPrivate Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 02, 2007 7:29 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Billy was at school in the outback this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc; but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No," said Billy, "he plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 08, 2007 1:53 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure
your headaches.The bad news is that it will require
castration. You have a very rare condition, which
causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he
left the hospital, he was without a headache for the
first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he
felt like a different person.He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's
what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and
told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's
see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
asked,"How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34
sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?
" Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34
since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size
34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
There are some things money cant buy
For everything else, there's a MASTERCARDPrivate Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 11, 2007 4:39 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More Joke | # |
dibyendu dutta | | One sardarji by mistake entered into the women's toilet.....all the ladies stoodup...sardar said..." koi gul nayi , IZZAT dil vich rakho yehi kafi hai..TUSSI BAITHO..BAITHO . Private Reply to dibyendu dutta | | Jan 11, 2007 1:48 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and More | # |
Aditya Seth | | Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds
AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift -
wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on
her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 12, 2007 7:15 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes and M | # |
Aditya Seth | | Sonia ji was addressing a vast rally in Amritsar
She said "India has beauty of the East, brains of the South, will of the West and virility of the North.If we combine these, we can rule the world"
There was complete silence as none of the Sardarjis understood a word of all this.
At this point the Punjabi congressman remarked to
Mrs G, 'Madam may I translate this so that they can understand?'Mrs Gandhi agreed.
He stood up to the mike and said:
"Madam Ji Kehndin Hain, Saade Desh Kol,
Bengal Di Phuddi Hai,
Madras Di Budhhi Hai,
Bumbai Da Mann Hai,
Te Punjab Da Lunnd Hai.
Agar Eh Saarian Cheezaan Mila Dittian Jaan,Ta Assi Saari Duniya Di Gaand Maar Lawange"
A thunderous standing ovation followed.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 15, 2007 8:01 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes a | # |
Aditya Seth | | A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time
period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their
sex life would get started, she made them all promise
to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words
on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after
the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen
and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop.
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week
after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long.
King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy
for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town.
Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by
and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card
finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words
"South African Airways"
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through
the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad
for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week,
both ways."
Mom fainted!Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 16, 2007 11:11 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jok | # |
Aditya Seth | | An American tourist in London decides to leave his
tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class
neighborhood.....big, stately residences .... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all.. NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply
cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but
I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me." He
leads him to a back "delivery alley," then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary,
fountains, sculptured hedges,and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you ...is that what you call, "British Hospitality?"
"No sir," ... replied the Bobbie,... "that is what we
call the French Embassy."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 18, 2007 8:50 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: | # |
Aditya Seth | | Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have
passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass
it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready"
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the
words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister manager, I am ready"
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call
center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 19, 2007 3:29 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: | # |
Aditya Seth | | A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $ 50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $ 50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering
the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
********************************************************************
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $ 5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,.. "Those little bastards..Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 24, 2007 2:27 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: | # |
Simanta Talukdar | | Interviewer: what is your birth date?
Sardar: 13th October
Which year?
Sardar: Oye ullu ke pathe _ _ _ EVERY YEAR
Manager asked to sardar at an interview
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O- X.
After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?
One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!
Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Sardar writes, "Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.
Sardar was doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it's one leg and told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked. Then he cut it's second leg and told the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly sardar said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.
When sarda r was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted mirror. Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive.
Sardar went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin. There he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing. Sardar pointed towards the board "WASH BASIN"
Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination! !!
Private Reply to Simanta Talukdar | | Jan 27, 2007 9:12 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: | # |
Aditya Seth | | An American, a British and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a
beer.
The Yankee drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the
air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In
the States our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink
from the same one twice."
The Brit obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to
pieces.
He says, "In Britain we have so much sand to make the glasses that
we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Iraqi, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the
American and the Brit.
He says "In Baghdad we have so many Americans and Brits that we
don't need to drink with the same ones twice! Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 31, 2007 4:49 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: | # |
Aditya Seth | | On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him, how much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2 000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $ 6000.00 cash And gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is 3 months 'salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight. Noticing a Few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company". He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man that I just fired?" To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir ļæ½ļæ½ļæ½ļæ½. .!! !"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 01, 2007 5:55 am | | Jokes .. PJs | # | 
D!VYA | | Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2 cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?
Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat
will become LIGHTER........using this LIGHTER you can light the other
cigarette another deadly answer. scroll down a little
Another solution: You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win
Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette
If that was not enough, one more deadly answer.... scroll down
Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP - TIP)
"TIP TIP barsa Pani.
Pani ne aag lagayee."
us aag se hamne cigarrette jalayee!!Private Reply to D!VYA | | Feb 03, 2007 2:21 pm | | re: Jokes .. PJs | # |
Aditya Seth | | A man went to see his doctor and told him he was having a problem getting his penis erect.
The doctor checked him out and told the patient that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged by a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him.
Then, seeing the totally dejected look on the patient's face, the doctor said there was a new experimental treatment that might work, if the man was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis.
The man thought about it a while, and decided that the the thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with assurances that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for the experimental treatment.
A few weeks after the operation, the doctor gave the man the green light to go ahead and try out his newly renovated "equipment".
The man planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner, he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely uncomfortable. To release the pressure he discreetly unzipped his pants ... and his penis sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first but, then, with a sly grin on her face, said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
With tears in his eyes, the man replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another dinner roll will fit up my arse!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 06, 2007 1:49 pm | | re: re: Jokes .. PJs | # |
Aditya Seth | | A First Class Magistrate (FCM) is going thru' a forest one evening when his car breaks down. He looks around and finds a lone house. He knocks the door which is opened by a stunning woman.
FCM: Can I spend the night at your place?
Woman: Well. I live alone.
FCM: I'm an honourable man, a FCM .
Woman: I got only one bed.
FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.
Woman: I go to bed naked.
FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.
Woman: Be my guest, FCM.
Next morning while leaving, FCM finds the woman busy with her poultry.
FCM: Good birds you got there.
Woman: Yeah.
FCM: How many cocks and how many hens?
Woman: Two hundred hens, one cock.
FCM : But I can see over a dozen cocks around.
Woman: Only one cock over there. The others are first class magistratesPrivate Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 09, 2007 11:33 am | | re: re: re: Jokes .. | # |
Aditya Seth | | A Indian guy named " Anantharaman Subbaraman"
arrived at the New York airport and ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hrs for the authorities to call his name,
he got fed up and went to them and asked why they haven't called his name yet.
They said that they have been calling him for last 2 hrs as 'Anotherman Superman'Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 09, 2007 2:24 pm | | re: re: re: re: Jokes .. | # |
Aditya Seth | | A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba,
had so many women hanging around that he couldn't
possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked
Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
Bubba replied, "Well, coach, whenever I'm about to
have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the
dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"
The coach went home early that day and went straight
to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower and,
seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes
and started bnging his member on the dresser.
His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower
and said, "Is that| you, Bubba?"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 09, 2007 6:13 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Jokes .. | # |
Aditya Seth | | The Indian man said to the American,"You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.We call this arranged marriage.I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."
The American said, "Talking about love marriages...I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.
"After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems..Gimme a break !!" Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 11, 2007 6:12 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes .. | # |
Aditya Seth | | Women's Ass size study:
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The
results are pretty interesting:
1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a
good man, and they would have picked him anyway.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 13, 2007 5:25 am | | Jokes .. | # | 
Faiz Ahmed | | After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room.
The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes. The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.
The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend.
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons. The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?
The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.
The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel. The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.
Moral: Be careful to whom you brag.
Private Reply to Faiz Ahmed | | Feb 13, 2007 2:33 pm | | re: Jokes .. | # |
Aditya Seth | | This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one
morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his
head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name Barbara Ann written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to
the horse races? Barbara Ann was the name of one of
the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes
off do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair
reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: "What the heck was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse called."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 15, 2007 7:36 am | | re: re: Jokes .. | # |
H.K.L. Sachdeva | | A blonde lady went to one fast food joint and asked for
choclate ice cream.
The salesman at the counter told her that they had fallen
short of choclate so they don't have choclate ice cream.
Then the lady said, "OK, give me a choclate cake."
The salesman told her that as they did not have choclate,
so they can't provide even choclate cake.
Then the lady demanded that she should be given choclate
milk shake.
Now, the salesman virtually lost his head. But he kept his
cool and asked the lady, "How do you spell 'BAT' as
in 'batman'."
She said, "B-A-T."
The salesman then asked her, "Good and how do you
spell 'MAD' as in 'madman'."
She promptly said, "M-A-D."
The salesman finally asked her, "Very good and how do you
spell 'F@#$' as in 'choclate'."
She was little perplexed and after thinking a while, she
said, "But there is no 'F@#$' in choclate."
And the salesman said, "That is what I am trying to tell
you for last half an hour that there is no F@#$in
choclate."
Private Reply to H.K.L. Sachdeva | | Feb 18, 2007 12:11 pm | | re: re: re: Jokes .. | # |
Aditya Seth | | Xerxes bawa walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse.
Suddenly he spotted the most beautiful car that he had ever seen, and
walked over to inspect it.
As he bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected
little fart escaped him.
Embarrassed, he anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and
hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now.
But, as he turned back, there, standing next to him, is a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted Xerxes bawa, "Good day!!! How may we help
you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing
had happened, he smiles back and asked the salesman, "What is the price
of this lovely vehicle? "
Still smiling pleasantly, the salesman replied, "Sir, I'm very sorry to
say that if you farted just by touching it, you'll shit when you hear the
price."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 19, 2007 7:51 am | | re: re: re: re: Jokes .. | # |
Aditya Seth | | Once 4 gujju wives at a party are talking about their husbands mobile
Phones:
1st gujju wife says, 'Mera pati key pass mota laura (Motorola) hain!'
2nd gujju wife says, 'Are sirf mota laura se kya hoga?
Errection(Ericcson) chahiye!'
3rd gujju wife steps and says, ' Aree mota laura bhi theek hai,
erection bhi theek hai, par semen (Siemens) nahi to kya faida?'
And then the 4th wife said, 'Mota laura bhi ho, errection bhi ho,semens
bhi ho, lekin na kiya (Nokia) to kya faida??'Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 19, 2007 6:14 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Jokes .. | # |
Aditya Seth | | A doctor at a mental hospital decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts" and they all sat back down in
their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts." They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Thinking things were going very well, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened"?
The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine until a
vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 26, 2007 9:01 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes .. | # |
Aditya Seth | | A young couple, just married, were in the honeymoon
suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for
bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his pants to
his bride and said, "Here put these on." She did, and
found that the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!",
said the husband, "and don't you forget it! I'm the
man who wears the pants in this family."
She looked at him, then flipped him her panties and
said, "try these on." With growing excitement he tried
them on, just to find he could only get them on as far
as his kneecap. He said, "heck, I can't get into your
panties!" She said, "That's right - and that's the way
it's going to stay until your attitude changes!" Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 27, 2007 7:22 am | | They Walk Among Us | # |
Basab Ghosh | | > I thought these were good...
>
> Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get
> rid of his old fridge, he
> put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it
> saying: "Free to good home.
> You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge
> sat there without even
> one person looking twice at it. He eventually
> decided that people were too
> un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be
> true, so he changed the
> sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day
> someone stole it.
> Caution... They Walk Among Us!
>
> One day I was walking down the beach with some
> friends when someone
> shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked
> up at the sky and
> said..."where???" They Walk among us!!
>
> While looking at a house, my brother asked the
> real-estate agent which
> direction was north because, he explained, he didn't
> want the sun waking him
> up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in
> the north?" When my
> brother explained that the sun rises in the east,
> and
> has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh,
> I don't keep up with
> that stuff." ........They Walk Among Us!!
>
> I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call
> center. One day I got a
> call from an individual who asked what hours the
> call center was open. I
> told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a
> day, 7 days a week." He
> responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
> Wanting to end the call
> quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . They Walk Among
> Us!!!
>
> My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our
> cafeteria, when we overheard
> one of the administrative assistants talking about
> the sunburn she got on
> her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a
> convertible, but "didn't
> think she'd get sunburned because the car was
> moving"....... They Walk Among Us!!!!
>
> I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I
> wanted the half pound
> sirloin. She informed me they only had an 8 ounce
> sirloin. Not wanting to
> make a scene, I told her I would take the 8 ounce
> steak instead of the
> half-pounder. .........They walk among us!
>
> My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's
> designed to cut through a
> seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the
> trunk... They Walk Among
> Us!!!!!
>
> My friends and I were on a Pepsi run and noticed
> that the cases were
> discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought
> 2 cases. The cashier
> multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20%
> discount.... They Walk Among
> Us!!!!!!
>
> I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
> with a nose ring
> attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said,
> "Wouldn't the chain rip
> out every time she turned her head?" I had to
> explain that a person's nose
> and ear remain the same distance apart no matter
> which way the head is
> turned... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!
>
> I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage
> area. So I went to the
> lost luggage office and told the woman there that my
> bags never showed up.
> She smiled and told me not to worry because she was
> a trained professional
> and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has
> your plane arrived
> yet?"... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!
>
> While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
> ordering a small pizza to
> go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him
> if he would like it cut
> into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some
> time before responding.
> "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
> enough to eat 6 pieces.
> Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!
>
> Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also
> reproduce!!!!
>
Private Reply to Basab Ghosh | | Mar 04, 2007 5:28 pm | | re: They Walk Among Us | # |
Aditya Seth | | A woman, in her forties, is at home happily jumping unclothed on herbed. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have anyidea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" Thewoman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what youthink. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says thatnot only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." Thehusband replies, "What did he say about your 45-year old ass?" "Your topic name never came up," she replied. Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 08, 2007 7:59 pm | | re: re: They Walk Among Us | # |
Aditya Seth | | Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me
from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies
everything. What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so
humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't
even looked for a
new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise
around and
bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay
the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't
even pretend to
like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should
I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't
need him anymore!
You're a United States Senator from New York running
for President of the United States . Act like one!Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 10, 2007 7:13 pm | | re: re: re: They Walk Among Us | # |
Aditya Seth | | God Said, "Adam I Want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?" !
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to
the hill..."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will
find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will
find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !
And then, just like everything else, God explained
that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river,
and over the
hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is
it now?"
And Adam said
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. "What's a headache?" Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 12, 2007 11:44 am | | re: re: re: re: They Walk Among Us | # |
Aditya Seth | | An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. ļæ½What majestic trees! What
powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!ļæ½ he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He
ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that
the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he
tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over
to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: ļæ½Oh my God!..ļæ½
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of
the sky saying: ļæ½You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I
don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?ļæ½
The atheist looked directly into the light. ļæ½It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask
you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?ļæ½
ļæ½Very well,ļæ½said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:
ļæ½Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive for which I am truly thankful, Amen.ļæ½Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 12, 2007 8:22 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: They Walk Among Us | # |
Aditya Seth | | A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in, and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work, and little compensation, and when canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all", and she said, I know all about milk, and dairy farms...
I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house....a man got out and said:
Carnation "LOVED" your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it...
Here is her entry:
Carnation milk is best of all, no tits to pull, no hay to haul, no buckets to wash, no shit to pitch, just poke a hole, in the son-of-a-bitch!Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 14, 2007 4:53 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: They Walk Among Us | # |
Aditya Seth | | A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of
marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they
had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,
emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, an entire laundry
list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after
asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop
her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 16, 2007 5:26 am | | Jokes from the yonder mails | # | 
Nalini Mathur | | Memo to all employees:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T) .
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T ).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T ). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T. They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T.
Thank you for your time. !
Sincerely,
The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.
(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).
Private Reply to Nalini Mathur | | Mar 30, 2007 7:29 pm | | re: Jokes from the yonder mails | # |
Aditya Seth | | Ram ka letter sita ke liye punjabi me......
Pyari Sitta,
Main itthe raji khushi se han and hope ke tu v theek thaak hovengi,
Laxman tannu bahut yaad karda si.
Main is Bandar de hath tannu chitthi bhej reha haan,
Tu bilkul tension na layi main bahut jaldi tenu ravan kolochura
lavanga.
Main AIRTEL da postpaid le liya si, RAVAN nu main mobile te bhot
GAALIYAAN kadiya te SAALE ne katt ditta,
Chal koi ni maine aana ta hai hi. Taan KUTUNGA saale KANJAR nu.
Main tere naal bhi ek AIRTEL ka prepaid bhej riya si usme 1500 SMS free
wali scheme ha, Tu roz mere ko SMS kari.
Chinta na kari, jab bhi gal karne ko ji kare, ek miss call mar diyo.
Main yaha se tenu baat kar levenga.
Tu Mere bill di chinta na kariyo, Sugreev nu payment da jimma de ditta
si.
Accha OK
See Uuuu.
With Luv
Dashrath da Vadda Puttar "RAM "Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 31, 2007 2:57 pm | | re: re: Jokes from the yonder mails | # |
Aditya Seth | | A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle,
the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their
headquarters, and the French general began to question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why do you English
officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes
you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his bland English way,
the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear
red coats is so that if they are shot the blood won't show, and the
men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown pants.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 02, 2007 7:41 am | | re: re: re: Jokes from the yonder mails | # |
Aditya Seth | | Mr.Verma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: I have great news: I am a month overdue. I think we are going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we cannot tell anybody.
The next day, Mrs.Verma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
AEC person: Am I speaking to Mrs.Verma?
Mrs.Verma: Yes...speaking
AEC person: You are a month overdue, you know!
Mrs.Verma: How do YOU know? stammers the young woman.
AEC person:Well, ma'am, it is in our files! Says the AEC person.
Mrs.Verma: What are you saying? It is in your files... HOW?
AEC person: Yes............. We have a system of finding out who is overdue.
Mrs.Verma: GOD! ... This is too much..........
AEC person: Madam, I am sorryļæ½ I am following ordersļæ½. I have to inform you are overdue.
Mrs.Verma: I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ... He will speak to your Company tomorrow.
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
What is going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue. What business is that of yours? The husband shoutsļæ½
Just calm down, says the woman at the reception at AEC, it is nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.
Husband: Pay you? And if I refuse?
Woman at the reception: Well, in that case, sir, we would have no option but to cut yours off.
Husband: And what would my wife do then? The husband asks.
Woman at the reception: I do not know. I guess she would have to use a candle.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 10, 2007 4:28 pm | | re: re: re: re: Jokes from the yonder mails | # |
Aditya Seth | | Two Gay Guys are walking through a zoo... They come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.
The gay men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, nonstop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by....
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?" he shouts,"Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called.... he hasn't written....."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 11, 2007 3:12 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Jokes from the yonder mails | # |
Aditya Seth | | Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10 and took the ticket and said April fool! I have pass.
------------
Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
-----------
On a romantic day Sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile?
------------
2 sardars were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have one more.
------------
Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto.
Sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2-wheeler.
------------
Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaddi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaddi petrol se start hoti hai.
------------
Boss : Where were you born ?
Sardar : Punjab .
Boss : Which part ?
Sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in Punjab .Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 12, 2007 7:14 pm | | Matter Of COINCIDENCE !! | # | 
EmOtiOnAL FUeL | | A chicken farmer went to a local bar; sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne
She perks up and says, " How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!"
"What a coincidence", he said. " This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating", says the woman.
"Well, that is a coincidence," he said. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying for years to have a child, and today the gynecologist told me I'm pregnant."
"What a coincidence. I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they are finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great," she said, "How did your chickens become fertile? "
"I switched cocks", replied the farmer.
She smiled and said, " What a coincidence! "
Private Reply to EmOtiOnAL FUeL | | Apr 14, 2007 12:34 pm | | re: Matter Of COINCIDENCE !! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States a
famous biographer was going to write Bill's life story.
During the course of his interview he asked Bill, "What was your best
and your worst decision during the Presidency".
Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, "Monica
Lewinski! I'd have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision".
"How could that be, Bill?", asked the surprised biographer.
Bill smiled and then shook his head, "I'd have to say she was both my
best and my worst decision for the same reason."
"That's odd. What was the reason for that?", said the biographer.
Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had a big mouth."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 16, 2007 12:04 pm | | re: re: Matter Of COINCIDENCE !! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Bangalore, and bragged that he
had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He
said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean
house and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Bombay. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better.
By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a
huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Punjabi girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first
day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but, by the
third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 18, 2007 12:31 pm | | Life of a Virgin............................................................ | # |
EmOtiOnAL FUeL | | A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times.
On their wedding night,they settled into the bridal suite
at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom,"Please,promise to be gentle,I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom,since after 8 marriages,he thought
that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform.He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.she responded:My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me,in grandiose terms,"Its gonna be great!"
My second husband was from Software Services;he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function,but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK,but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from the Telemarketing department and said that he had the orders ,but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My fifth husband was an Engineer.He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research ,implement,and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My sixth husband was from Finance and Administration.His comments were that he knew how,but he just wasn't sure whetherit was his job.
My seventh husband was a Marketing Manager.He said,"I know I have the product.I'm just not sure how to position it."
My eighth husband was a Psychiatrist,and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
So now I have married a lawyer,so I know I'm going to get screwed !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Private Reply to EmOtiOnAL FUeL | | Apr 19, 2007 1:33 pm | | osama..... | # |
Aditya Seth | | After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted,
"You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said," This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with
a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the
inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!"
These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe
and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the
terrorist.
As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an angel appeared.
Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the angel, "This is not what you
promised me."
The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?" Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 20, 2007 9:05 am | | re: osama..... | # |
Aditya Seth | | A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something...The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "new house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 22, 2007 5:05 pm | | re: re: osama..... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Sardharji walks into a brothal in Sydney. "How much you charge" he asks. "$150 for an hour" says the girl behind the
counter."do you do Indian Style" he asks. "Indian
style? What is that"? asks the girl. "In India we try
first and pay later".
*************************************************************
Three contractors . . . one from India, another from
Germany and the third from England are bidding to
repair the White House fence. They go with a White
House official to examine the fence.
The English contractor takes out a tape measure and
does some measuring, then works some figures with a
pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run
$900 . . . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and
$100 profit for me."
The German contractor also does some measuring and
figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700 . .
$300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit
for me."
The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but
leans over to the White House official and whispers:
"$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You
didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you
come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," the Indian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000
for me and we hire the guy from Germany to do the
work."
*****************************************************************
The IAS Interview
One young man went for an IAS Interview.
"When did India get independence?" He was asked.
"The efforts began a few years earlier and final
result was in 1947" He replied.
"Who was responsible for our independence?"
"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one,
it will be a injustice
to another." He replied.
"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"
"Some research is going on the subject and I can
answer with certainly
only after seeing the report" He replied.
The interview board was very pleased with his original
and thoughtful
answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to
others, since they
were planning to ask the same questions. When he went
out naturally
others were curious to know what was asked. He
politely declined, but one
persistent Sardar would not leave him. "At least tell
me the answers"
he pleaded, and our friend obliged.
Then it was the turn of this Sardar. When he went
inside, since his
resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked
him." By the way, what
is your date of birth?"
He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier and
final result was in 1947."
Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification.
"What is your fathers name?"
He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If
I name one, it will be
injustice to another".
The interviewer was incensed.
"Hey! Are you mad or what?"
He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I
can answer with
certainty only after seeing the report."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 23, 2007 12:12 pm | | re: re: re: osama..... | # |
Aditya Seth | | A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says,
"those are personal questions and are none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" !
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks,
"How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and is now shocked.
"How in heaven's name did you find?that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I also know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex." Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 24, 2007 8:53 am | | re: re: re: re: osama..... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Doctor" the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I am a little upset
because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine".
"Nonsense" the doctor said "Even though you and your wife both have black
hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene
pool".
"It isn't possible, this can't be". The man insisted. "Our families on
both sides have had jet black hair for generations".
"Well how often do you have s*e*x with your wife", asked the doctor. The
man seemed a bit embarrassed. "I have been working very hard for the past
year.
We only make love once or twice every few months".
"Well there you have it", the doctor said confidently, "Its Rust!!".Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 24, 2007 9:26 am | | re: re: re: re: re: osama..... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Dick & Ed were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Dublin . One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dick said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Ed says, "Me too. Y' know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Dick wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Ed.
Ed says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Dick says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Ed says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Dick says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No "
Well, DON'T, 'because I'm in London." Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 05, 2007 6:48 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: osama..... | # |
Aditya Seth | | A Chicago area (city or suburb) GUJJU couple, Maganbhai and Kantaben, both
well into their 60's,
go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
He says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? Need your feed back!"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them
good luck, charges them $50 and says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens
several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse
with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
Maganbhai says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, and
we can't go to her house. I'm married, and we can't go to my house. The
Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and
I get $43 back from Medicare."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 05, 2007 12:06 pm | | I am sorry Sardar back again!!!! | # |
Aditya Seth | | A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered huge Loss.
Do u know what the business was?
. . . .. . . . . .. . . He opened a Saloon in Punjab!.
A sardarji photographer focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function,
suddenly all relatives beat him why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"
Sardarji gets ready, wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, and sits on
the branch regularly.
A man asks why he does this.
Sardarji: "I've been promoted as branch manager."
Why is a Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open
mouth
.
Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be light"
Sardar & family go to a party. He introduces himself
- I am Sardar Banta Singh. Meet my wife Sardarnee
Preeti Singh, the boy
my kid & the girl my kidney
.
One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college.
U know Why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.
A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket
match.
All were busy writing except one Sardarji.
he wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"
Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet
Sardar: - why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it
.
A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR
Sardar's wish: when i die, i wana die like my grandpa who died peacefully
in
his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was
driving..
A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in
the morning. Sardarji replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM".
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Sardarji goes 2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words.
It is 'U R STANDNG ON the OXGN TUBE!"
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing.
He said-I am seeing how i look while sleeping.
Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it? Guess
what
To avoid side effect!!!
Man: Sardarji where were u born?
Sardarji: Punjab.
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in punjab".
Lawyer to Sardar: Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke
..
Sardar :yeh kya, sita pe haath lagaya to court me bulaiya. ab fir gita pe
haath.
Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing me.
I don't know how she got my no, She interrupts whenever I call someone and
says "please recharge your card"
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni
painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim
jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them
rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
"For best results put on two coats"
A sardar was drawing money from ATM, The sardar
behind him in the line said,
"Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password.
Its 4 asterisks (****).
The first sardar replies, Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong, Its 1258
Q:) How do u recognize a sardar in school or college???
A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when
the teacher erases the blackboard
BOLO tarara!!
Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale?
A:) Because he wanted to measure how much he has slept
..
After finishing MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his own practice.
He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the Tongue, and finally the Ears
using a torch.
Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 05, 2007 12:24 pm | | re: I am sorry Sardar back again!!!! | # | 
Jasvinder Singh | | Sardarni To sardar : Guptaji makes such passionate love to his wife, why cant you do it too?
Sardar To Sardarni: Sure I can if Guptaji has no objection....
Private Reply to Jasvinder Singh | | May 05, 2007 12:24 pm | | re: I am sorry Sardar back again!!!! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling
Too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife
Would be pleasant and say ?Happy Birthday,?
And would probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say ?Good Morning ,? Let alone any ?Happy Birthday.?
I thought, ?Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember .?
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet , said,
Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.?
So I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said,
?You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday,
let's go to lunch, just you and me.? I said, ?By George,
that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.?
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go;
We went out into the country to a little private place.
We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said,
You know, it's such a beautiful day.
We don't need to go back to the office, do we??
I said, ?No, I guess not.? She said, ?Let's go to my apartment.?
After arriving at her apartment she said, ? Boss, if you don't mind,
I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. ?
Sure,? I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and,
In about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake,
Followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.
All were singing ? Happy Birthday? And there on the couch I sat... Naked.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 05, 2007 5:05 pm | | re: re: I am sorry Sardar back again!!!! | # |
Jasvinder Singh | | Sardarni comes home and sardarni Tells Sardar: Aaj Humare Ghar Chor Aaaya aur mujhe rape kar gaya.
Sardar to sardarni : Tumne use rokne ki koshish nahin Ki?
Sardarni : Maine use rukne ke liye bahut bola magar woh bola ki kjal phir aoonga.Private Reply to Jasvinder Singh | | May 05, 2007 8:30 pm | | True Origin of the Internet | # |
Aditya Seth | | In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by
the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and
long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou
travel far from town
to town with thy goods when thou can trade without
ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several
saddle bags short of
a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns
and drums in between
to send messages saying what you have for sale and
they will reply telling
you which hath the best price. And the sale can be
made on the drums and
delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have
her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an
immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price,
without ever moving from
his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia
did secrete
himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of
insider trading. And the
young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the
greedy horsefly take to
camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican
Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new
riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the
real riches
were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of
Gates, who bought up
every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist
on making drums that
would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and
drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is
being taken over by
others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or
as it came to
be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that
reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner
Operators."
"YAHOO ," said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 06, 2007 7:36 am | | re: True Origin of the Internet | # |
Aditya Seth | | Military Humor
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.
After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice,
"Admiral, United States Navy , retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard , retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery
Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be Seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What
do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!
Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of
a whorehouse smells like."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - ---
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman,
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 08, 2007 6:02 am | | re: re: True Origin of the Internet | # |
Aditya Seth | | Larry gets home late one night and his wife,
Linda, says, "Wherein the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,"
he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said,
shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a
hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 08, 2007 1:27 pm | | re: re: re: True Origin of the Internet | # |
Aditya Seth | | Syrian Doctor wanted to go hunting, he calls his secretary HASSOUN and tells him "Ya Hassoun, I am going hunting tomorrow, we don't want to close the clinic, I ask you to take care of our patients".
"Yes, sir......" answers Hassoun.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and
asks:"So Hassoun, how was your day?". Hassoun tells him
he took care of 3 patients. The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.
"Bravo! ya Hassoun, and the second one?" says the
doctor "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him
MAALOX, sir" says Hassoun.
"Bravo, bravo ya Hassoun you're good at this and
what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was seated and suddenly the door opens and a
woman enters like flame, she undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and sleeps on the table and shouts: "HELP ME since 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!!!" "..and what did you do ya Hassoun?" asks the doctor
I put eye drops in her eyes!!!!.................Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 09, 2007 9:09 am | | re: re: re: re: True Origin of the Internet | # |
Aditya Seth | | INDIAN CRICKET BOARD REFUSES RICHARD BRANSON'S VIRGIN AIRLINE SPONSORSHIP
Billionaire Virgin business group boss Richard Branson has offered to
sponsor the Indian cricket team currently reeling after a string of
tournament defeats.
However, the embattled Board of Control for Cricket of India (BCCI)
has politely refused the generous multi-million-pound offer by the
cricket-mad magnate.
As one harassed Board official snapped "We can't have VIRGIN written
on our shirts, when we're getting screwed in every match" ! Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 09, 2007 6:17 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: True Origin of the Internet | # | 
Faisal Shaikh | | Once There Was A Small Baby Monkey Stranded On A Small Island
There Was Nothing On This Island Except Dry Grass And A Single Coconut Tree with Many Coconuts.
One Hot Day The Dry Grass Caught Fire. The Fire Spread Quickly And Soon The Whole Island Was On Fire.
To Escape The Fire The Small Baby Monkey Climbed Up The Coconut Tree, But The Wind Was Strong And The Fire Was Quickly Working Its Way Towards The Tree.
By Now The Tree And The Monkey Was Surrounded By Fire.
The Question Now Is, WHAT SHOULD THE SMALL BABY MONKEY DO TO ESCAPE THE FIRE
Scroll Down For The Answer ......
Guess What The Answer Is??
Come On Yaar ..... Its Very Simple..
Still, You Are Thinking!! Can't Find The Answer?
The Answer Is .........
If A Big Monkey Like You Doesn't Know The Answer. How Do You Expect A Small Baby Monkey To Know ...... Private Reply to Faisal Shaikh | | May 16, 2007 12:44 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: True Origin of the Internet | # |
Aditya Seth | | Type Of Girls~*~
HARD DISK GIRLS:
she remembers everything, FOREVER
RAM GIRLS:
she forget about you, the moment turn her off
WINDOW GIRLS:
everyone know that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
SCREENSAVER GIRLS:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun
INTERNET GIRLS:
Difficult to access
SERVER GIRLS:
Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA GIRLS:
She make horrible thing look beautiful
CD-ROM GIRLS:
She is always faster and faster.
EMAIL GIRLS:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense .
VIRUS GIRLS:
Also known as "wife'' when you are not expecting
her, she comes, install herself and uses all your resources. If
you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don't try you
uninstall her you will lose everything...
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 16, 2007 12:46 pm | | FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN | # |
Aditya Seth | | The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at
the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest,
it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must
tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering
an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to
pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is
good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance
exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test
as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I
know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions
over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers"
Forrest replied, "Well, the
first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and
he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's
got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St.
Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied,
"it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated
and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song,
"ANDYWALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: "Run Forrest, run."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 21, 2007 11:01 am | | Dead Cat | # |
Aditya Seth | | A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party. The guests were enjoying their pre-dinner drinks when the maid reported to the hostess that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion from the fishs middle section.
The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess and announced very distressed, Madam, the cat is dead.
The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if all went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped and washed. Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. She replied, Its still out on the road where the car ran over it.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 21, 2007 1:19 pm | | re: Dead Cat | # |
Aditya Seth | | President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before
we do?"
The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression 'Vus titzuch?'"
The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?"
"Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to 'what's happening'.
They just ask each other and they know everything."
The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as
an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat), and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.
Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?
The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 24, 2007 3:15 pm | | re: re: Dead Cat | # |
Aditya Seth | | A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE Black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him so he looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little white fellow faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guys says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 Feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn Around!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 01, 2007 4:23 pm | | SEVEN STAGES OF SEX | # |
Aditya Seth | | The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and
you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you
are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your
sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you
pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get
Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot
stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in
front of everyone.
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is
called: Social Security Sex. You get a little from time-to-time, but
not enough to live on.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 01, 2007 5:31 pm | | re: SEVEN STAGES OF SEX | # |
Aditya Seth | | A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the
pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight
into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some
cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, " Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord
have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your
husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a
picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's
wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you
had a prescription."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 01, 2007 6:14 pm | | TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!! | # |
Aditya Seth | | An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
________________________________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood ." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of
you as soon as I see who's at the door."
________________________________________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." _______________________________________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS:
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they
were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
______________________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She
was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
_______________________________________________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 02, 2007 3:33 pm | | EVOLUTION OF MAN: | # |
Aditya Seth | | SHAADI KE PEHLE : HERO NO 1
SHAADI KE BAAD : COOLIE NO 1
SHAADI KE PEHLE : MAINE PYAAR KIYA
SHAADI KE BAAD : MAINE KYA KIYA ?
SHAADI KE PEHLE :JAANEMAN MAT JAO
SHAADI KE BAAD : JAAN MAT KHAO
SHAADI KE PEHLE: TUM BIN RAHA NA JAAYE
SHAADI KE BAAD : TUMKO SAHA NA JAAYE
SHAADI KE PEHLE : KUCH TOH BOLO
SHAADI KE BAAD : KABHI CHUP BHI HO LO
SHAADI KE PEHLE : ''I LOVE YOU ''
SHAADI KE BAAD : AAJ PHIR AALU?
SHAADI KE PEHLE: MILNE KAB AAOGI?
SHAADI KE BAAD :MAIKE KAB JAAOGI .
BUT STILL MAN WANTS TO GET MARRIED . .....
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 03, 2007 2:38 pm | | Indian Wives ! | # |
Aditya Seth | | An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian was drinking at a bar discussing what they had done the previous evening.
The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight." The Indian says: That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal! How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
Indian : "I wiped my hands on the curtainsPrivate Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 03, 2007 2:58 pm | | DON'T GET FOOLED! | # |
Aditya Seth | | I met an older woman at a club last night.
She was OK for 57. We drank a bit, had a bite and sang a few songs.
Then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double'; a mother and daughter 3 some?
I said no I hadn't.
So, we drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
We went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 07, 2007 12:28 pm | | One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine... | # |
Aditya Seth | | One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place............
The grass is almost a foot high."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 08, 2007 12:22 pm | | re: | # |
Aditya Seth | | For those of you who watch what you eat......
Here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all of those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
CONCLUSION : Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 09, 2007 7:27 pm | | re: re: | # |
Aditya Seth | | An American, a Britisher and an Indian went for a hike
one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and
exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they
took off all their clothes and jumped into the
water, since it was fairly secluded. Feeling
refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries
while enjoying their " freedom. "
As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies
from town suddenly appeared. Unable to get to their
clothes in time, the American and the Britisher
quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But
the Indian covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their
clothes back on, the American and the Britisher asked
the Indian why he covered his face rather than his
private part.
The Indian replied, " I don't know about you, but in
my country, it's the face that people recognize".Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 11, 2007 7:51 am | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Prasad Deshpande | | Father ;- Son you will have to marry a girl of my choice.
Son :- I am sorry, this is absurd, I do not agree.
Father :- Look son she is the daughter of Bill Gates.
Son :- Ok I will marry her.
(Father meets up with President Of World Bank)
Father :- Take my son as the vice president of world bank.
President :- Hey guy go take a long walk.
Father :- Look my son is Son-in-law of Bill Gates.
President :- Oh that changes the equation. Send him.
(Father meets up with Bill Gates)
Father :- My son wants to marry your daughter.
Bill Gates :- I don't have time for your blabber, get lost.
Father :- Just to tell you My son is Vice President World Bank.
Bill Gates :- Then it is OK.
Private Reply to Prasad Deshpande | | Jun 15, 2007 2:01 pm | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | 80,000 sardars meet in the gurunanak stadium, for a
"Sardars Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the
world that
Sardars are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A sardar gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps
up to the
stage. The leader asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds he says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then 80,000 sardars start cheering, "Give him another
chance! Give him
another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of
getting
80,000 Of you in one place and we have the worldwide press
and global
broadcast media
here, uh, I guess we can give him another
chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually Says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out
a dejected
Sigh - everyone is disheartened, the sardar starts crying
and the
80,000 sardars begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than
damage,
eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance What is 2
plus 2?"
The surd closes his eyes, and after a whole minute
eventually says,
"Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000
surdies jump To their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet
and
scream.......................................................................................
............... ......... ......... ........
............... ......... ......... ..
............... ......... .....
............... ........
............... ....
............... ..
.............
...........
.......
.....
....
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 15, 2007 2:10 pm | | re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him
for $500.00. So they spent the night together.
In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have
any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque
and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done,realizing that
the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he sent a cheque for $250.00 and enclosed a note:
>**********************
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the
apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat.
3. It was small enough to make me cosy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had be previously occupied,
that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following
reply.....
>****************************
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire
someone to remove your furniture.
UNQUOTEPrivate Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 20, 2007 3:19 pm | | WHO IS JACK SCHITT ? | # |
Aditya Seth | | For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We findourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well,thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 23, 2007 2:10 pm | | Quit Smoking. | # |
Aditya Seth | | Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment."
Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this:
* Warning!: These cigarettes are king size how about you?
* Warning!: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.
* Warning!: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.
* Warning!: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.
* Warning!: Smoke rises, but you may not.
* Warning!: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children That is
if you're capable of conceiving any.
* Warning!: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff so do you.
* Warning!: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?
* Warning!: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.
* Warning!: Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal you might not have the range to put them out.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 23, 2007 2:33 pm | | re: Quit Smoking. | # |
RAJAN ADVANI | | NOTICE ON THE WALL OF A HUMAN RESOURCE MANGER--
When you have a "I hate My Job" day, try this. On your
way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to
the thermometer section and purchase a
rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very
sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains
and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing
and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and
remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a
table or a surface so that it will not become chipped
or broken. Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature and read it carefully. You
will notice that in small print there is a statement,
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is
personally tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer
quality control at Johnson & Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE
ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN
YOURS!
Private Reply to RAJAN ADVANI | | Jun 23, 2007 2:49 pm | | re: re: Read About The latest Invention | # |
RAJAN ADVANI | |
BROADCASTED ON CNN TODAY--
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Private Reply to RAJAN ADVANI | | Jun 25, 2007 2:22 pm | | Grounds for Divorce ? | # |
Aditya Seth | |
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and
asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of
the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."
"Please. . ." he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.
We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is
yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever
beat you up?"**
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does.
He says he can't communicate with me !!"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 26, 2007 7:28 am | | U Cant beat Birbal! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Tansen was a high ranking official in King Akbar's court. However he had
one longstanding wish - to suck the queen's voluptuous breasts to his
heart's desire. Every time he passed the queen he would get frustrated. He
revealed his desire to Birbal one day, and begged him to do something about
it.
Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the condition that Tansen could suck
the breasts to his desire but later he would have to pay Birbal 1000 gold
coins for it.
Tansen agreed. The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching lotion
and poured it into the queen's bra while she was taking a bath. Soon the
itching started and grew in intensity much to the king's anxiety.
Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure it. Birbal also added that such a saliva
was only in Tansen 's mouth.
Akbar summoned Tansen and for the next 4 hours Tansen violently sucked the
queen's breasts. Licking, biting, pressing, playing he got what he always
desired.
Satisfied he returned back and met Birbal, but in his lust and
since his mission was over, he refused to pay Birbal anything and in fact
shooed him away. Tansen of course knew that Birbal could never report this
matter to the emperor since he was instrumental in it himself.
What Tansen did not know was what Birbal would do the next day......
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"Birbal put that lotion in Emperor Akbar's underwear" Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 27, 2007 7:08 am | | THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT | # |
Aditya Seth | | My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up,
that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big rute engines
but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo,so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called
a Queen, so I out rank you.Tray-up, Bitch."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 27, 2007 10:06 am | | GAY.... | # |
Aditya Seth | | A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from
his
parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen
cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I
have
something to tell you, I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to
repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the
pot
she was stirring and said calmly,
"You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around
and
WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said,
"Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 02, 2007 4:14 pm | | re: | # |
Aditya Seth | | A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong - the ship sank, and there were
only 3 survivors: Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They managed to swim to a small island. They lived there for a couple
of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.....
After several years of casual sex all the time, Deirdre felt
absolutely
horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both
Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it
and,
after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course....
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they were doing.....
So they buried her.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 09, 2007 1:45 pm | | re: re: | # |
Aditya Seth | | Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white stick. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane IS in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
***********************************************************
An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application and asked, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay," he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in teepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
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What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
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What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
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What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 10, 2007 7:40 pm | | re: re: re: | # |
Aditya Seth | | There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use
a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now.
The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good
morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've
been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in
and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we
start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the
living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for
Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love
to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed
with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to
get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to
get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three
hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally,
when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it
all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 12, 2007 6:51 pm | | Why Newton commits Suicide ...... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Recently Isaac Newton, the Father of physics made a visit to earth to watch a movie. He watched a few Tamil movies and his head started spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done. In a movie starring Rajanikant, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes:
A) Rajanikant has a Brain Tumor, which, according to the doctors can't be cured, and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Rajanikant is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured. Long Live Rajanikant!
B) In one of the movies, Rajanikant is confronted with 3 gangsters. Rajanikant has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet. Guess what he does... He holds a knife in his hand and throws at the middle gangster & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces and kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.
c) A gangster chases Rajanikant. Rajanikant has a revolver but he has no bullets in it. Guess what he does. Nah not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Rajanikant opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang... And the gangster dies....
d)The Climax finally arrives. Rajanikant gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajanikanth can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that heroes normally use. Rajanikant has to desperately kill the villain because it's the climax. (Newton is smiling since it is virtually impossible). Rajanikant suddenly pulls two guns from his pocket (Probably a backup). He throws one gun in the air and when the
gun has reached the height of the wall, he shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air, with his second gun. Now the first gun fires off and the villain is dead.
Newton commits Suicide in the theatre.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 12, 2007 7:53 pm | | re: Why Newton commits Suicide ...... | # | 
Ganesh Ram | | on the newton's suicide post above, this really is not a joke it has to be taken seriously :)
one we have already established the cause of Newton's Suicide in this http://www.ryze.com/posttopic.php?topicid=842673&confid=786
two we have also said in the above link that Rajinikanth had nothing to do with this.
:) :)
I have to do this in LK(g)'s absentiaPrivate Reply to Ganesh Ram | | Jul 12, 2007 7:57 pm | | The Cow | # |
Ganesh Ram | | Got this from another uswergroup :
This is the FUNNY essay on "The Cow" which was (supposedly) written by some student in the course of completing the "Indian Civil Services Examination" :
CALCUTTA's Telegraph has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at the recent UPSC examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:
The Cow:
"The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.
"His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.
"His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.
"His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.
"He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.
"This is the cow."
P.S.: We are informed that the candidate passed the exam
BTW, I googled asitudinious. There is no meaning for this word in the Internet from the first to the last page in internert there is no such word.
This posting has got 322 search results when I googled for the word.Private Reply to Ganesh Ram | | Jul 15, 2007 8:01 am | | scottish first aid!!! | # |
Aditya Seth | | A woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly began to
cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she
was in real distress.
Two locals, MacKenzie and MacDonald sitting at the
next table turned to look at her.
Kin ya swalla ? Asked MacKenzie.
The woman signalled 'No!' , desperately shaking her
head.
Kin ya breath ? Asked MacDonald.
The woman shook her head NO !!!
With that, MacKenzie walked behind her, lifted up the
back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran
his tongue up and down the crack of her backside. This
shocked the woman into such a violent spasm, that the
obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to
breath again.
MacKenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep
swig of his beer.
MacDonald said in admiration, "Ya know MacKenzie, I'd
heard of that bloody 'Hind Lick Manoeuvre', but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 15, 2007 12:15 pm | | Men are men | # |
Aditya Seth | | Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers, then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 15, 2007 1:25 pm | | re: The Cow | # | 
Pankaj Prakash | | This is an essay which is at least 50 years old if not more. When I had heard it the first time it was said that a candidate had written it in his entrance exams for the Indian Civil Services, what the IAS used to be called during the British Raj, and not a recent UPSC exams. The original candidate never made it.
Over the years the essay has undergone quite a few changes obviously additions and subtractions made by people using their memory and knowledge of the English language.
Pankaj
Private Reply to Pankaj Prakash | | Jul 15, 2007 2:35 pm | | re: re: The Cow | # |
RAJAN ADVANI | |
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Private Reply to RAJAN ADVANI | | Jul 16, 2007 3:03 pm | | The Kisssssssssss | # |
Aditya Seth | | Bush, Manmohan, Aishwarya Rai and Sonia are traveling in a train.
The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel.
The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed. Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Sonia is thinking: These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
Aishwarya is thinking: Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.
Bush is thinking: Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
Manmohan is thinking: If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 19, 2007 9:18 am | | The Cannibals | # |
Aditya Seth | | A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.
"You are all part of our team now," said Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with you, however, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads 'No.'
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others: "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibal shouted, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one secretary and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working."
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Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 19, 2007 11:05 am | | A sweet grandmother | # |
Aditya Seth | | A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes the Operator returned to the phone, "Oh, Good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit." Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 22, 2007 10:37 am | | re: | # |
Aditya Seth | | When I got to my early 50's, I took a look at my wife
one day and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a
cheap car, slept on a
sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but
I got to sleep every
night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and
plasma screen TV, but
i'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me
that you are not
holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go
out and find a
hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I
would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and
watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to
solve a mid-life crisis!!Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 23, 2007 4:12 pm | | Laws. | # |
Aditya Seth | | Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to
move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an
engaged tone.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease,
your
nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because
you
had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't
work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to
the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle
arrive
last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your
boss
will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 24, 2007 7:24 am | | NEVER LIE TO A WOMAN! | # |
Aditya Seth | | A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
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The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....." Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 24, 2007 3:42 pm | | Actual poem written by a Bengali school teacher !! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Through the jongole I am went
On shooting Tiger I am bent
Boshtaard Tiger has eaten wife
No doubt I will avenge poor darling's life
Too much quiet, snakes and leeches
But I not fear these sons of beeches
Hearing loud noise I am
jumping with start
But noise is coming from damn fool's heart
Taking care not to be fright
I am clutching rifle tight with eye to sight
Should Tiger come I will shoot and fall him down
Then like hero return to native town
Then through trees I am espying one cave
I am telling self - "Bannerjee be brave"
I am now proceeding with too much care
From far I smell this Tiger's lair
My leg shaking, sweat coming, I start to pray
I think I will shoot Tiger some other day
Turning round I am going to flee
But Tiger giving bloody roar spotting this Bengalee
He bounding from cave like football player Pele
I run shouting
"Kali Ma tumi kothay gele"
Through the jongole I am running
With Tiger on my tail closer looming
I am a telling that never in life
I will risk again for my damn fool wife!!!!Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 24, 2007 6:49 pm | | re: Actual poem written by a Bengali school teacher !! | # |
Lavanya Karalkar | |
Aditya Seth has posted seven posts without any interruption in this thread. Let us give him a big laugh please.
PS: Aditya Seth ..what happened to that meaty role you were to offer to me?Private Reply to Lavanya Karalkar | | Jul 25, 2007 7:00 am | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
PAGLURAM | |  Private Reply to PAGLURAM | | Jul 25, 2007 8:00 am | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | Thank you thank you!!!:D
Old Butch:
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens),
called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he
bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a
different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on; the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen
he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's
amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd
sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to; the next one. John was so proud of
Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight
sensation among the judges.
The result...
The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also
awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they
weren't paying attention.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 25, 2007 1:02 pm | | re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Aditya Seth | | A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked
for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine
and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC
What is the BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says "YOU are the
BEST KISSER among all your Friends."
If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in
your life. If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing
EVERY thing in your life.
When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you
from Darkness. Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please
PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 26, 2007 7:11 pm | | A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido | # |
Aditya Seth | | A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I
Norwegian." !!Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 26, 2007 7:15 pm | | POOR BOB | # |
Aditya Seth | | Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each
week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for
his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey,
Bob! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club
before.
"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like
his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and
says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf
club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine,
honey.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him
and says, "Hi Bobby! Do you want your usual table
dance big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms
out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab and
before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must
have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is
having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top
of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the
book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked
up a real bitch this time."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 02, 2007 3:19 pm | | Leave of Absence | # |
Aditya Seth | | A man replying to his boss as to why he was absent the previous day -
This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my
wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape
wine
under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and
every
bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down
the
sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the
cork
from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to
check the
taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.
I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but
not
until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I
did
this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest
down
the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one
sink
out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of
the
next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink
with
the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand,
counted
the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29,
and as
the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses
in
one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go
upstairs and
congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa
was. I
will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come
by.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 02, 2007 4:44 pm | | A few minutes before the church services started | # |
Aditya Seth | | A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the
front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the
front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man
replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the
man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply? And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of
me?"
The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 03, 2007 10:45 am | | Old one but still a laugh... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their
Saturday morning
round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the
week.
Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office
in another city. It
wasn't quite the same without him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm.
One day she overheard the remaining three talking
about their golf round at
the coffee table.
Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my
golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I
joined you next week?"
The three lawyers looked at each other. They were
hesitant. Not one of
them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the
spot. Finally one man
said it would be okay, but they would be starting
pretty early at 6:30am.
He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her
immediately.
The woman said this might be a problem and asked if
she could possibly be up
to 10 minutes late.
They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.
She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either
at 6:30 or 6:40."
She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all
three of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and
pleasant person the entire
round. The guys were impressed!
Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and
happily invited her
back the next week.
She smiled and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or
6:40."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday
morning. Only this time,
she played left-handed.
The three lawyers were incredulous as she still
managed to beat them
with an even par round despite playing with her
off-hand.
By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if
she was just trying to
make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They
couldn't figure her
out.
She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be
showing them up, but
each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!
In the third week they all had their game faces on.
But this week she
was 10 minutes late!
This had the guys irritable because each was
determined to play the best
round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited
for her, they figured
her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her
part.
Finally she showed up.
This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which
was a good thing
since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she
was so gracious and
so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to
keep a grudge against
her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!
Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking
their heads at her
ability. They had a couple beers after their round
which helped the
conversation loosen up.
Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no
longer. He asked
her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to
golf right-handed or
left-handed?"
The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy.
When my dad taught me
to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have
always had fun switching
back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college
and got married, I
discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on
I developed a silly
habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf
practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
'you-know-what' was
pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it
was pointed to the
left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team
thought this was
hysterical."
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the
guys shot back, "But
what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"
She said, "Then I'm ten minutes late."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 06, 2007 10:59 am | | Family problems ? | # |
Aditya Seth | | Two men , one American and an Indian were sitting in a
bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American,"You know my
parents are forcing me to get married to this so
called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even
met once.
We call this arranged marriage .I don't want to marry
a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly
and now have a hell lot of family problems ."
The American said, " Talking about love marriages?.. .
I'll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3
years.
"After a couple of years, my father fell in love with
my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law
and I became my father's father-in-law.
My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my
father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations
turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's
son I.e. My brother is my grandson.
Ultimately , I have become my own grand father and I
am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems.. ? !Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 14, 2007 7:29 pm | | Baptizing a Drunk !! | # |
Aditya Seth | | A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in
the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and
bumps into the preacher. The preacher
turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you
ready to find Jesus?' The drunk answers, 'Yes, I
am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the
water, then pulls him up and asks the drunk,
'Brother, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into
the water again for a little longer this time. He
again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't found
Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and
dunks the man in water again, but this time holds
him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The
preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of
God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and
says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where
he fell in?' !!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 20, 2007 8:22 am | | NEED HELP IN UNDERSTANDING | # |
Aditya Seth | | 1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with
others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leave them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag."
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you !!!Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 24, 2007 3:52 pm | | COULDN'T RESIST . . . | # |
Aditya Seth | | This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31.
Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in
her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 24, 2007 5:47 pm | | re: COULDN'T RESIST . . . | # | 
Hasmukh Gandhi | | Aditya,
U sure have hell lot of sense of fun and laughter.
Don't worry if nobody else contributes.
Your contritutions r enough for all of us...
Keep it UP..Private Reply to Hasmukh Gandhi | | Sep 01, 2007 8:22 am | | re: re: COULDN'T RESIST . . . | # |
Aditya Seth | | A young Italian girl was going on a date.
Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.
He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him
do that.
He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but
don'ta let him do that.
But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna
likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing thata willa disgraca the
family.
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had
predicted. "But, Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he
tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"
Nonna fainted!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 01, 2007 8:27 am | | re: re: re: COULDN'T RESIST . . . | # |
V... | | How to know you are too old for BDSM:
1. Sensory deprivation is when your Dom hides your hearing aid batteries.
2. Your nipple clamps have training wheels.
3. Edge play is standing by the microwave with a pacemaker.
4. When you tell your sub to get the cane, you have to specify "walking" or "beating" .
5. You can't tell the difference between your tattoos and your age spots.
6. You shout "One, two, three, CLEAR!" for electrical play.
7. Your idea of breath play is when your wheelchair runs over your oxygen hose.
8. Your idea of suspension is an UltraLiftT bra.
9. You hold the paddle and say, "You're younger than me.... back into the paddle....HARD!"
10. Age play really is 24/7. Private Reply to V... | | Sep 19, 2007 12:42 pm | | White House Breakfast | # |
Aditya Seth | | Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit...
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and slight grin.... "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton!
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers......
~
~
~
~
~
"It's pronounced, 'Quiche'!"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 19, 2007 1:02 pm | | Potentially & Reality... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between
'Potentially' and 'reality'?"
Dad: "I will show you"
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for 1 million dollars"?
Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"!
Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1
Million dollars?
Daughter: "Wow! Yes! He is my fantasy!"
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with, Tom
Cruise for 1 million dollars"?
Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million
Dollars! I would never hesitate!"
So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son,
'Potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in 'Reality' we
are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 19, 2007 1:44 pm | | re: Potentially & Reality... | # | 
little prince | | at an examination I sat at the door, on the threshold to give my exams.
My friend said "OI why are you sitting there?"
I smiled and replied " is'nt this an entrance test?"
Private Reply to little prince | | Sep 20, 2007 6:41 am | | clap for her | # |
Aditya Seth | | Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall, where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00, I'd take my clothes off
and streak through that stupid flower show!'
'You're on.....!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won the 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 20, 2007 7:38 am | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | A Man to God
Man:"Give me a bag full of money, a job and a
vehicle full of girls"
God replies:"Tataastu magane" {so it be, my son}
and made him a bus conductor of BEST ladies
special bus!
moral: be specific........Private Reply to FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Sep 20, 2007 10:31 am | | re: re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Santosh Sharma | | control " C " control "V" ...thats how these jokes appear here....lazy guys, can't come up with something original. Private Reply to Santosh Sharma | | Sep 20, 2007 10:53 am | | Married 9 Times | # |
Santosh Sharma | | Girl said:
I have been married 9 times.
Let me tell you what was wrong with each.
My 1st husband was a musician and all he wanted to do was play with it.
My 2nd was a doctor and all he wanted was to examine it.
My 3rd was a politician and all he did was make promises to it.
My 4th was a psychiatrist and all he did was talk about it.
My 5th was a photographer and all he did was take pictures of it.
My 6th was a policeman and all he did was keep it under lock and key.
My 7th was a hair dresser and all he did was tease it.
My 8th was a gourmet and all he did was taste it.
My 9th and last one is the one I am married to now and I love him the best.
He is a mechanic--he tore it up the first night and he's been working on it ever since.Private Reply to Santosh Sharma | | Sep 20, 2007 12:51 pm | | My wifes husband | # |
little prince | | Was passing by a graveyard one day. I saw a man crying and fervently praying over a grave. he was constantly chanting "Why did you have to go away!"
I was touched and stood there to watch. After 10 mins I could not control myself. I walked upto the man put my hand over his shoulder and with tears in my eyes asked him "who was the deceased of yours". He answered "no one"
I asked him " then why r you so disturbed about his death"
The poro man sobed and said " He was my wife's first husband"Private Reply to little prince | | Sep 20, 2007 4:13 pm | | re: My wifes husband | # | 
Jo Verde | | An English professor wrote the words: 'WOMAN WITHOUT HER MAN IS NOTHING' on the blackboard,
and directed the students to punctuate it correctly .
The men wrote: 'Woman, WITHOUT HER MAN, is nothing.'
The women wrote: 'WOMAN!! WITHOUT HER, man is nothing!'
Private Reply to Jo Verde | | Sep 21, 2007 6:59 am | | A joke | # |
V... | | A story of a gal....
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.When it became apparent
that we would marry,I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.
Some months later,on my birthday,my car broke down on the way home from
work.Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him
that I would be late because I had to walk home.On my way,I passed by a
small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk,I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the
timeI reached home,so I stopped at the dinner and before I knew it, I had
consumed three large orders of baked beans.All the way home,I made sure
that I released all the gas.Upon my arrival,my husband seemed excited to
see me and exclaimed delightedly:
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and
led me to my chair at the dinner table.I took a seat and just as he was
about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.He made me promise not to
touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The
baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable,so while my husband was out of the room I seized
the opportunity,shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.It was not
only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
front of a pulpwood mill.
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.Then,
shifting to the other cheek,I ripped off three more.The stink was worse
than oked=20cabbage.Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in
the other room,I went on like this for another few
minutes.The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone
farewells
signalled the end of my freedom,I quickly fanned the air a few more times
with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling
very relieved and pleased with myself.
continued...
continued...
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned,apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had
not.At this point,he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused:
"Happy Birthday!"
I nearly died!
Private Reply to V... | | Sep 21, 2007 5:05 pm | | re: A joke | # |
Aditya Seth | | A Jewish Doctor was called to Circumsize George Bush......, The
Doctor's Report came back: Sorry....... Can't be done - there is No End to
this Prick ! ! !
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 21, 2007 11:48 pm | | re: re: A joke | # |
V... | | A Man to God
Man:"Give me a bag full of money, a job and a vehicle full of girls"
God replies:"Tataastu magane" {so it be, my son}
and made him a bus conductor of BEST ladies special bus!
moral: be specific.........Private Reply to V... | | Sep 22, 2007 7:10 am | | re: re: re: A joke | # | 
Awaken the Gaint Within. | | One more BE SPECIFIC one ...
A man gets 2 wish from GOD and he wishes for the CASE OF BEST WINE and Best WOMAN.....
Poof ... theres a CASE of the Finest WINE and Mother Teresa in front of him.
so BE specific ...Private Reply to Awaken the Gaint Within. | | Sep 22, 2007 7:42 am | | re: re: re: re: A joke | # |
Awaken the Gaint Within. | | A man comes home totally Drunk, and while in that state manages to break a costly Vase which his mother-in-law had gifted, and he passes off.
On waking up in the morning,he has a faint memory of what happened , but is surpised to see his Breakfast laid on the table for him and a I Love You note from his wife.
Curious as to what happened, he asks his son, son replies "Dad last night you were totally drunk and you broke that Vase "
Man " yes I rememeber ..."
Son " When mom went to remove you clothes so that she could put you bed , you screamed ..lady lay your hands off me I am a married Man "
MORAL of the story
Cost of Breakfast : US $ 25
Cost of the Broken Vase : US $500
Saying the Right thing when Drunk : PRICELESS
THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS THAT MONEY CANT BUY...FOR THE REST YOU HAVE MASTERCARD .
Private Reply to Awaken the Gaint Within. | | Sep 22, 2007 7:13 pm | | Old is gold! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Bill heard his wife remark to a lady friend that he was a model husband.
He was very proud and happy that his wife would say that.
But then, he looked the word up and found that the dictionary defines model as meaning a small imitation of the real thing.
______
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."
______
Grandpa Aaron was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular...
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!
Then Grandpa said sadly ..."You can't DO that any more...they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look......"
***********************
A man on wife's birthday had no money, so he sent a cheque written "100 kisses". When he returned his wife told him "thanks for the cheque,I got it encashed from the bank manager........"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 26, 2007 6:01 pm | | T20 FINAL - MISBAH'S MISTAKE!! | # |
Aditya Seth | | MISBAH THOUGHT HE WAS SENDING THE BALL TO A PLACE WHERE THERE WAS NO ONE. HE DID NOT KNOW THAT THERE IS A MALAYALI IN EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD!!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 27, 2007 7:38 am | | re: T20 FINAL - MISBAH'S MISTAKE!! | # |
Faisal Shaikh | | HAHAHA!!! Aditya good one.... Private Reply to Faisal Shaikh | | Sep 28, 2007 12:48 pm | | Charles and Camilla's Wedding Night | # |
Aditya Seth | |
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla.
"Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, - darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
"That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 03, 2007 12:21 pm | | A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks... | # |
Aditya Seth | | A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time
together, she starts talkingabout this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink
for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime
juice..
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the
woman explains."First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her,
goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys........smooth, rich,
cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
..... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
..... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
..... At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.
......At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth
full of nasty snot.This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally
chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 03, 2007 6:35 pm | | Frustrations of a married man... | # |
Pankaj Prakash | | A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a
loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his
usual jeans and t-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately wentcrazy.
He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited
by the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He
suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and
wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely
excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to
show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the
bars down!
"Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and
charging the bars!
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage,
flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said, "Now, tell
him you have a headache AND U ARE NOT IN THE MOOD NOW."
Private Reply to Pankaj Prakash | | Oct 08, 2007 12:00 pm | | This explains a lot of things . . . . | # |
Aditya Seth | | Many might recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico. This is a Well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S.Air Force and the federal government.
However, what you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfield, Dan O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quale were all born.
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 08, 2007 7:35 pm | | Online Chat! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Our FRIEND WAS chatting with a female - Online chat.
(Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's)
Hero : Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?
Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat
Hero : wow...am honoured, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat
Female: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.
Hero : OK
(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his desk ).
Manager : Hey, I need some help from you
Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me.
Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?
Hero : I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.
Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]
(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)
Female: Hey, am back
Hero : cool, you know what my manager does, he's kinda..... keeps asking stupid tings, tries to give me stupid work.... $*#&$@
Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!
Hero : Yep, u rite!!
Female: Hey, can u do me a favor
Hero : *smiles* sure, why not.
Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out
Hero : hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now.
ok?
Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM ...!!
AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW !! Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 08, 2007 8:13 pm | | Air Force One | # |
Aditya Seth | | President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One,.... George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people very happy."
Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 356 million people very happy." Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 10, 2007 5:52 pm | | Depressed? Dont worry. call 1-800- Depressed...... | # |
Aditya Seth | | I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Samaritans.
I was put through to a 'call centre' in Pakistan.
I explained that I was feeling suicidal.
They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an aeroplane.... Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 11, 2007 5:31 pm | | It happened about a month or two ago near Lonavala | # |
Aditya Seth | | It happened about a month or two ago near Lonavala and even though it sounds like something out of the X-Files or from an Alfred Hitchcock movie... it's real! This guy drives from Mumbai to Pune and decides not to take the new expressway as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he reaches the ghats his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation. It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering. The night rolls on and no car goes by, the monsoon rains are so strong he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he sees a car coming towards him. It slows and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy opens the car's door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realizes there is nobody behind the wheel!!!
Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep,steep drop beyond the curve). Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend. Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights.It's a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside dhaba, which is open, and asks for a drink.They find some hooch and give him a shot. And he starts telling whoever is in the dhabba about the horrible experience he's just been through.
A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy isn't drunk, and is really frightened - he's crying and shaking. So they give him more hooch and talk about what they should do, whether to call the police or find a priest, or what. But just then two guys(santa & banta) walk into the dhaba. One says to the other "Look, Banta - that's the guy who got in our car when we were pushing it."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 15, 2007 9:09 pm | | re: It happened about a month or two ago near Lonavala | # |
V... | | My be this fits in her emore than thought catagory:
A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.
- Unknown
Living happily is the best revenge we can take on our enemy.
VJPrivate Reply to V... | | Oct 17, 2007 3:21 pm | | GOLF'S WORST FOURSOME | # |
Aditya Seth | | 1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON
WHY, YOU ASK? Well, Your going to love this!
1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND..
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 27, 2007 9:29 am | | Broom-broom! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !!' said the groom broom.
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 28, 2007 2:05 pm | | re: Broom-broom! | # |
little prince | | Interviewar: what s ur qualification?
me : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
me : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY....
Private Reply to little prince | | Oct 29, 2007 11:42 am | | Sardars in Italy are too good... | # |
Aditya Seth | | About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sikhs had to leave Italy. Naturally, there was a big uproar from the Sikh community.
The Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sikh community. If the latter won, the Sikhs could stay. If the Pope won, the Sikhs would have to leave.
The Sikhs realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man, named Harbinder Singh, to represent them.
Harbinder asked for one condition before he would accept: to make the debate more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate arrived.
Harbinder Singh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Harbinder looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Harbinder pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.
Harbinder pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Sikhs can stay".
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First. I held up three fingers to
represent the Holy Trinity.
"He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us.
"He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.
"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Sikh community had crowded around Harbinder Singh. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Harbinder, "first he said to me that the Sikhs had three days to get out of here. I told him in no uncertain terms to buzz off, and that not one of us was leaving.
"Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sikhs. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"Yes, yes, ... and then?" asked the crowd.
"I don't know," said Harbinder. "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 29, 2007 12:03 pm | | The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait! | # |
Aditya Seth | | An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 31, 2007 10:31 am | | Never Lie to a Woman! | # |
Jo Verde | |
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"
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The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."
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Private Reply to Jo Verde | | Nov 01, 2007 4:01 am | | re: Never Lie to a Woman! | # |
SOEB FATEHI | | It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says. He then asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says the father, 'Peggy Sue really loves to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back home, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'
Private Reply to SOEB FATEHI | | Nov 01, 2007 9:37 am | | Why you can't send a woman to Home Depot | # |
Aditya Seth | | Charlie was fixing a door and he found that he needed
a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
While at Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a
top shelf while she was waiting for John, the manager,
to finish waiting on a customer. When John was
finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?
John replied, "That's silver and it costs $300.""My
goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge
that Charlie had sent her to buy, and John went to the
back room to find it.
From the back room John yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw
for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 01, 2007 11:58 am | | Cheers to all the Management Consultancies! | # |
Aditya Seth | | A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a
difference for an organization
Last week, I took some friends out to a new
restaurant , and noticed that the waiter whotook our
order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a
little strange, but I ignored it.
However, when the busboy brought out water and
utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt
pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all
the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,
"Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired
Anderson Consulting , experts in efficiency,in order
to revamp all our processes. After several months of
statistical analysis, they concluded that customers
drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any
other utensil.
This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3
spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is
prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce
the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15
man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was
able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get
another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right now." I was
rather impressed. The waiter served our main course
and I continued to look around.
I then noticed that there was a very thin string
hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I
noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better
of me and before he walked off,
I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me
why you have that string right there?
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice.
"Not everyo ne is as observant as you. That consulting
firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time
in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued,"by
tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can
pull it out over the urinal without touching it and
that way eliminate the need to wash the hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by76.39
percent."
"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps
you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further,
"I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 02, 2007 9:59 am | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
al a | | too good Private Reply to al a | | Nov 02, 2007 1:08 pm | | Sign On Husband's Desk: | # |
Aditya Seth | | "Things To Do Today"
1. Get organized.
2. Talk to wife.
3. Get reorganized.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 02, 2007 10:59 pm | | A modern day cowboy... | # |
Aditya Seth | | A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains
without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind
one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an
IRS genie."
She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.
He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and
drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.
The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better
make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's
going to be a string attached.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 03, 2007 12:12 am | | re: A modern day cowboy... | # |
V... | | Start new thread please...
Living well is the best revenge,
We can take on our enemy.
VJPrivate Reply to V... | | Nov 03, 2007 1:38 am | | Funny notices around the world | # | 
Srikumaran Madhava Menon | | FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD!
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world.
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Cheers!!!
Private Reply to Srikumaran Madhava Menon | | Nov 06, 2007 7:25 am | | re: Funny notices around the world...a job application | # |
Srikumaran Madhava Menon | | This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 P.M, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes, absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries
Private Reply to Srikumaran Madhava Menon | | Nov 06, 2007 2:20 pm | | Cheerios | # |
Jo Verde | | A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom
locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Private Reply to Jo Verde | | Nov 06, 2007 5:12 pm | | Mallu jokes are here | # |
Purobi Ghosh Mohan | | 1) What is the tax on a Mallu's income called? IngumDax
2) Where did the Malayali study? In the ko-liage.
3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today? He is very bissi.
4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket? To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.
5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff? To yearn meney.
6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire? He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.
7) How does a Malayali spell moon? MOON - Yem Who yet another Who and Yen
8) What is Malayali management graduate called? Yem Bee Yae.
9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America ? He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.
10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday? An Oto
11) Where does he pray? In a Temble, Charch and a Maask
12) Who is Bruce Lee's best friend ? A Malaya-Lee of coarse.
13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis don't werk hard? Kerala.
14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala? Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi
15) Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait? He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say 'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'
16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line? " Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders , We Are Yevery Where "
17) Why aren't Mals included in hockey and football teams ? Coz Whenever they get a corner , they set up a tea shop.
18) Now pass it on to 5 Mals to get a free sample of kokanet oil.
19) Pass it on 10 Mals to get a free pack of Benana Chibbs.
20) Pass it on to 15 Mals to get a set of BROGUN bones ....
Private Reply to Purobi Ghosh Mohan | | Nov 07, 2007 3:17 am | | A dynamite speech | # |
Srikumaran Madhava Menon | | A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in Bombay. As was the practice in the school, he was asked to address the assembly on August 15, the Independence Day of India.
Here is his dynamite speech :
Leddies and Gentulmens,
Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech. If
small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly
speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the
following reason:
Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation for the train
in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I
put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk.
At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and
at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son.
Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.
You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind.
You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety
seven percent evaporation. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme court, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college.
The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great flowers. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.
I am now ending this fastly. May God blast you! Thank you and
Thank God I am finished.
***
Private Reply to Srikumaran Madhava Menon | | Nov 19, 2007 6:42 pm | | THE IMPORTANT SKELETON | # |
Aditya Seth | | A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We're the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "Its not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 20, 2007 8:20 am | | Car Crossed Lovers !! | # | 
Dipanwita Mullick | |
A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Nov 20, 2007 1:22 pm | | An accountant gets home late one night | # |
Aditya Seth | | An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says
"Where in the hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out
getting a tattoo". A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of
tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my
privates", he said proudly. "What the hell were you
thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on
earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
on his privates?" "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow,
two, once in awhile I like to play with my money, three, I
like how money feels in my hand and lastly, instead of you
going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow
a hundred bucks anytime you want!!!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 20, 2007 1:45 pm | | Italian Logic... | # |
Aditya Seth | | An old Italian Mafia "Don" is dying and he calls his
grandson to his bed."Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you always remember me."
"But, Grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about
you leava me your Rolex watch instead?" "Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.
You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a
bigga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ... Pointa to you watch and say, "Times up"?
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 20, 2007 4:26 pm | | Wink wink | # |
Aditya Seth | | A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet
of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 22, 2007 11:57 am | | Aircraft Mechanics | # | 
ady | | Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft
mechanics in New York. One day the airport was fogged in and they were
stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a
buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and
got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We
ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No "
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Tokyo!"Private Reply to ady | | Nov 28, 2007 3:59 pm | | Giving up Wine | # |
Aditya Seth | |
I was walking down the street one day when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for some food.
I got out my purse and took a ten pound note out and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of food?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this in a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 30, 2007 7:34 am | | Love Story | # |
Aditya Seth | | I will seek and find you .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 01, 2007 2:29 pm | | The expert | # |
Aditya Seth | | A sardar went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an honorary game warden who didn't like sardars.
The game warden ordered the sardar to show his hunting license, and the sardar pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?" The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?" The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?" Again the sardar reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the sardar "Just where the hell are you from?" The sardar smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert .".
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 03, 2007 5:25 am | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Faisal Shaikh | |
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it.
The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.
The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt.
The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.
After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.Private Reply to Faisal Shaikh | | Dec 09, 2007 1:14 pm | | sophisticated | # |
Aditya Seth | | A sophisticated looking Indian lady walks into a
tattoo shop and sits down.
The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady
in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he
could help her.
To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk
sari and points to her right inner thigh - very high
up. 'Right here,' she says, 'I want you to
tattoo a claylamp and underneath it I want the word
Diwali.'
Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and
says, 'On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen
tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top
andunderneath it I want the word Christmas.'
The owner looks at her. 'Ooh, lady, it's none of my
business, but that is probably the most unusual
request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want
to do that?
'Well,' the lady said, 'I'm sick and tired of my
husband always complaining that there's never anything
good to enjoy between Diwali and Christmas
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 12, 2007 11:19 am | | In the name of the Father... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Box Donation
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw ! that. & ;You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Catholic Dog
Mu!ldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is!"
"This is the Tax Dept. Can you help us?"
"I can!"
"Do y ou know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do!"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is!"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . . . I'm telling everybody!"
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,"
the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 20, 2007 5:03 pm | | re: | # | 
Sudha Gomati Narayan | | Chandrababuism
You have two cows in Vijayawada. You hook them to internet and milk them from Hyderabad .
Jayalalithaism
You have two cows. You teach them to cry,"Ammaaaaaaa..."
and fall at your feet.
Karunanidhiism
You have two cows. You give one to your son and the other to your nephew ..
Gandhism
You have two cows. But you drink goat's milk.
Indiraism
You have two bulls. You adamantly consider them as cows.
Lalooism
You have two cows. You buy Rs. 900 Crore worth of cattlefeed for them.
Rajnikantism
You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch their milk in your mouth.
Althafism
You have two cows. You paint them both to get colourful milk.
Softwarism: (Ultimate....)
Client has 2 cows and u need to milk them.
1 . First prepare a document when to milk them (Project kick off)
2 . Prepare a document how long you have to milk them (Project plan)
3 . Then prepare how to milk them (Design)
4 . Then prepare what other accessories are needed to milk them
(Framework)
5 . Then prepare a 2 dummy cows (sort of toy cows) and show to client
the way in which u will milk them (UI Mockups & POC)
6 . If client is not satisfied then redo from step 2
7 You actually start milking them and find that there are few problem
with accessories. (Change framework)
8 . Redo step 4
9 . At last milk them and send it to onsite. (Coding over)
10. Make sure that cow milks properly ( Testing)
11. Onsite reports that it is not milking there.
12. You break your head and find that onsite is trying to milk from
bulls
13. At last onsite milk them and send to client (Testing)
14. Client says the quality of milk is not good. (User Acceptance Test)
15. Offsite then slogs and improves the quality of milk
16. Now the client says that the quality is good but its milking at slow
rate (performance issue)
17. Again you slog and send it with good performance.
18. Client is happy???
By this time both the COWs aged and cant milk.
(The software got old and get ready for next release
repeat from step 1) !!!!!
Private Reply to Sudha Gomati Narayan | | Dec 21, 2007 4:15 pm | | lol | # |
Aditya Seth | | A traveling salesman is going through the country when his car breaks down. He goes to a nearby farmhouse and asks to use the phone.
The farmer tells him, "We ain't got a phone, but I'm headin' into town tomorrow an' you kin spend the night here. O' course you'll have to sleep in the same bed as my three sons, here."
And the salesman says, "Wait a minute. I'm in the wrong joke."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 21, 2007 4:21 pm | | For everything else there's MASTERCARD! | # |
Aditya Seth | | This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson
University . It made the local newspaper; even Jay Leno made mention of
it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the
reception, the Groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the
crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, Many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the
bride's family -- especially his new father-in-law for providing such a
lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's
chair, including the Wedding party, was an envelope. He stressed that this
was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his Bride having
sex with his best friend, the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier & had hired a
private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching
the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man
and said,
"F--- you!" Then he turned to his bride & said, "F--- you!" Then he
turned back to the dumbfounded crowd & said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing the following morning.
While most people would have cancelled the Wedding immediately after
finding out about the affair, this Guy goes through with the charade, as
if nothing were wrong. His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over
$32,000 for a 300+ guest Wedding & reception, & best of all, Trashing
the bride's & his best man's reputations in front of 300+ friends &
family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members & friends: $32,000...
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000...
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : 8,500...
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 Glossy of the bride
humping his best man: Priceless...
There are some things money can't buy,
For everything else there's MASTERCARD!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 21, 2007 4:24 pm | | Model's Plane Crash! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Rachel Hunter are flying to a models' conference in Paris, when suddenly the Captain of the plane announces "We have just lost all power to the engines of the plane and are going to make an emergency crash landing...please assume the brace position immediately!"
Immediately, the three models look at each other and start preparing for the worst. Claudia quickly pulls out some lipstick and make-up and starts to fix up her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Rachel ask: "What in the hell are you doing Claudia? We're about to crash!"
Claudia responds: "Well know for a fact that the rescue workers will save the girls who have the best looking faces first. That's why I'm putting on my make-up."
Immediately Rachel Hunter rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defies the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Rachel have you lost your senses??? We're about to die! Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see?" Rachel responds: "Let's face it...in a plane crash, the rescue workers are going to save a woman with big beautiful breasts before they'd save one with a pretty face. That's why I'm exposing my tits!"
Not hesitating for a moment, Naomi Campbell pulls off her skirt and removes her panties, exposing her pubic region. Freaking out, Claudia and Rachel yell: "Naomi, are you crazy??? Why are you exposing your snatch for everyone to see?" Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES, PLEASE! I know for a fact that the first thing the rescue workers always look for in plane crashes is the black box!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 31, 2007 8:49 am | | Top Ten Things Not To Say To A Naked Man | # |
Aditya Seth | |
1 This explains your car.
2 I never saw one like that before.
3 But it still works, right?
4 Are you cold?
5 I guess this makes me the early bird.
6 Ahhhh, it's cute.
7 Can I be honest with you?
8 Maybe it looks better in natural light.
9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 03, 2008 4:12 pm | | Seasons Greetings | # |
Aditya Seth | | One beautiful December evening Pedro and his
girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the
ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,
"Hey, Mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now!, Let's look at the moon!" said
Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and me do Weeweechu. I love
you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the
moon." replied Rosita
"Please, Corazoncita, just once, do Weeweechu with
me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, just one time,
we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro quickly grabbed his guitar and they both
sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
and a Happy New Year."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 03, 2008 4:32 pm | | Seasons Greetings | # |
Aditya Seth | | Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, " You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven ."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said."You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."
And So The Christmas Season BeginsPrivate Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 06, 2008 8:59 am | | By all Means... MARRY! | # |
Aditya Seth | | I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes
Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny oungman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The
first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murry
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I wee happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred lettrs. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 06, 2008 12:57 pm | | US VISA | # |
Aditya Seth | | In a poor zoo of India, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day.
The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to the US Zoo.
The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also.
On its first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely for breakfast.The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few
bananas.
Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India.
The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.
The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him,'Don't you know I am the lion...king of the Jungle..., what's wrong with your management?, what nonsense is this?, why are you delivering bananas to me?'
The delivery boy politely said, 'Sir, I know you are the king of the jungle but ..did you know that you have been brought here on a monkey's visa!!!
Better to be a Lion in India than a Monkey elsewhere!!!!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 11, 2008 5:00 pm | | Boss and his Secretary | # |
Aditya Seth | | Boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was
down.
His secretary walked up to him and asked, "Boss this morning when you left
your house, did you close your garage door?"
This was not a phrase that her Boss understood, so he went into his Office
looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his
Zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his Secretary
had told him, finally understood.
He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his
secretary. When he reached her desk, He said, "When you saw the garage door
open did you see my jaguar parked In there?"
The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, Boss I didn't. All I saw
was a Maruti 800 with 2 flat tires.".......... Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 11, 2008 7:09 pm | | THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER | # |
Aditya Seth | | I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked, "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.I stopped.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years? "Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 14, 2008 4:32 pm | | Beer | # |
Aditya Seth | | Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses" in the phone book.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 18, 2008 9:53 am | | re: Beer | # |
Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N | | Do u know the difference between pongal and diwali?
we can eat pongal on diwali
but
we can't eat diwali on pongal Private Reply to Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N | | Jan 18, 2008 6:53 pm | | Taxi | # |
Aditya Seth | | A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York
City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. "Mom," said the little boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off
work," she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why
don't you tell him the truth? They 're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is
that true, mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in
the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what
happens to the babies those women have?"
"Most of them become cab drivers," she said.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 19, 2008 8:06 am | | Klassics! | # |
Aditya Seth | | A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of
course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
KANJIBHAI, THE GUJARATI..............
Long long time ago, before he got married, Kanjibhai was travelling from
Ahmedabad to Bombay by train.
Rupaben was also travelling in the same compartment except that they both didn't know
each other in the beginning.
Once they started talking, they realized they both had a lot in common.
Both were Single.
Both were Gujaratis.
Both were going to Bombay.
Both were School teachers.
Both were starting a new job at the Mithibai College.
They seemed to hit it off well and decided to be roommates in Bombay and made a pact
that they would do everything together.
So, they lived in the same house, travelled to the college together on Kanjibhai's scooter,
had lunch in the staff room together, returned home together.
They were watching the TV together, eating dinner together and were also sharing the
same bedroom and ... EVEN sharing the same bed.
The only problem was Rupaben was placing a pillow between them at bedtime, much to the
frustration of Kanjibhai; who ended up spending many sleepless nights with this most
desirable beauty besides him, separated by the pillow.
Kanjibhai's frustration had built up to such an extent that he could take it no more, and
ended up deciding to drink.
So, one day he took off from the college leaving Rupaben on her own.
She was quite upset, but made it home by auto rickshaw.
The pact had been broken so she decided not to open the door for Kanjibhai when he
got home drunk at about 2 AM.
Kanjibhai knocked on the door for about 20 minutes and pleaded with his room mate to let
him in.
After listening to his crap for 20 minutes, Rupaben said,
"Where the hell did you disappear today? We decided to do everything together!
Now you better sleep outside"
Kanjibhai:
"I will jump over the wall and come in if you don't open the door right now!"
Rupaben,
"Huve reva de reva de, chaar mahina thaya... tu to pillow ni upar thi jump na karisaiko.. to deewal upar thi su jump karvano!
(English Translation:
Oh forget it, for four months you couldn't jump over the pillow; how could jump
over the wall now?!!!
KUTTAPAN, The MALAYALEE.......
Kuttappan was bragging to his Boss one day,
"You know..... I know everyone there is to know. J
ust name someone, anyone important, and I'm sure I will know them."
Tired of his boasting, his Boss called his bluff.
"OK, Kuttappan, how about Tom Cruise?"
Kuttappan replies,
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So, Kuttappan and his Boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and
sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts,
"Hey Kutz!! Great to see you!
You and your friend must come in and join me for lunch!"
They have a blast of a time!
Katie Holmes even personally packs 2 sets of Masala Dosas, which is of course
specially made by their South Indian chef.
They bid each other farewell.
Although impressed, Kuttappan's Boss is still sceptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Kuttappan that he thinks Kuttappan's knowing
Cruise was just lucky.
Kuttappan says,
"No, no, you go ahead and just name anyone else."
"President Bush!" his Boss quickly retorts.
Kuttappan says,
"Yes, OK, but I am telling you I don't like him very much, he is very cunning, anyway let's fly
out to Washington."
And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Kuttappan on the tour and motions him and his Boss over,
saying,
"Kuttans!
What a surprise!!
I was just on my way to a meeting.
The CIA just informed me Osama is heading for the Pakistan Border.
Hey Kuttans, are you still on speaking terms with Osama?
Maybe you could confirm the information for me?
Oh never mind!
You and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the Boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Kuttappan who
again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope!" his Boss replies.
"Sure! This I like, I've been meaning to see him, he is not keeping too well y'know"
says Kuttappan.
"And I have a lot of friends in Vatican; it's like my second home!
And me and the Pope go back a long way, surely this will be a good trip"
So, off they fly to Rome.
Kuttappan and his Boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Kuttappan says,
"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.
Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on
the balcony with the Pope."
The Boss shakes his head unbelievably and says,
"Yeah right!!"
Still so, Kuttappan disappears into the crowd, headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Kuttappan emerges with the Pope on the balcony,
waves to the crowds with the Pope and takes leave.
But, by the time Kuttappan returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack
and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his Boss' side, Kuttappan asks him,
"What happened?"
His Boss looks up and says,
"I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me
said, and who's that fellow on the balcony with Kuttappan?"
MORAL OF THE STORY-
Don't, ever underestimate a Malayalee!!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 19, 2008 9:55 am | | Everything has a gender. | # |
Aditya Seth | | .... And you thought, Hindi, the funny language alone had genders for inanimate objects...
If we were to assign a gender in English with a reason...
Here you go...
A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male , because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
A Remote Control is Female . Ha! You thought it'd be male ,didn't you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying !Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 22, 2008 1:58 pm | | Ran out of Gas. | # |
Aditya Seth | | A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block? Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think
he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad,may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but
she said Belle was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring
Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and
scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go
now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the
block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with
no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
( YOUR GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the
block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 22, 2008 4:49 pm | | Dwarf with a lisp | # |
Aditya Seth | | A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of
horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee
her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe
eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe
teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf
to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth.' he says '
Now...can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the
scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina. He
holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and
putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I thee her wun awound?"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 23, 2008 7:32 pm | | 50 and a facelift | # |
Aditya Seth | | A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope!" I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug
store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this
burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old
a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me
put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs
them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she
says, "Okay, okay... How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could
you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't" she says.
"I was behind you at McDonalds."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 24, 2008 9:45 am | | Harley. | # |
Aditya Seth | |
- The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson,
died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such
a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, Your
reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to
hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,
but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key words
and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding
my invention than yours."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 30, 2008 2:04 pm | | Njoy | # |
Aditya Seth | | A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and
he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She
slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she
tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am
taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the
door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm
going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I
want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he
is going with it' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door Sure
enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
Do you have vagina' 'Yes' she says The man replies.. 'Good! Would you
mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 02, 2008 8:15 am | | Kids... | # |
Aditya Seth | |
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a
doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,
she's dead."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun
made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE ... God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the 'apples'."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 02, 2008 11:28 am | | A valuable lesson in Business Management. | # |
Aditya Seth | | Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
Management lesson:Always consider a business proposal
in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 05, 2008 3:37 am | | An old Catholic Priest was dying. | # |
Aditya Seth | |
HE SENT A MESSAGE FOR INCOME TAX AGENT AND A LAWYER TO COME TO HIS HOME. WHEN THEY ARRIVED, THEY WERE USHERED UP TO HIS BEDROOM. AS THEY ENTERED THE ROOM, THE OLD PRIEST HELD OUT HIS HANDS AND MOTIONED FOR THEM TO SIT ON EACH SIDE OF THE BED.
THE OLD PRIEST GRASPED THEIR HANDS, SIGHED CONTENTEDLY, SMILED, AND THEN STARED AT THE CEILING. FOR A TIME, NO ONE SAID ANYTHING.
BOTH THE INLAND REVENUE AGENT AND THE LAWYER WERE TOUCHED AND FLATTERED THAT THE OLD PRIEST WOULD ASK THEM TO BE WITH HIM DURING HIS FINAL MOMENTS. THEY WERE PUZZLED BECAUSE THE OLD PRIEST HAD NEVER BEFORE GIVEN ANY INDICATION THAT HE PARTICULARLY LIKED EITHER ONE OF THEM.
FINALLY, THE LAWYER ASKED, "FATHER, WHY DID YOU ASK THE TWO OF US TO COME?"
THE OLD PRIEST MUSTERED UP HIS FAILING STRENGTH, THEN SAID WEAKLY, "JESUS DIED BETWEEN TWO THIEVES - - AND THAT IS HOW I WANT TO GO, TOO."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 05, 2008 8:02 am | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
sanjay jain | | An englishman and santa inside the toilet. Englishman: Good evening, how do u do? Santa: Good evening, we open the zip and do Private Reply to sanjay jain | | Feb 07, 2008 1:13 pm | | Party crashers... | # |
Aditya Seth | | It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the gatecrashers. Then her husband got an idea
He turned to the crowd of guests and said, "Will those who are from the bride's side of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood up.
Then he asked, "Will those who are from the groom's side stand up as well?" About twenty five people stood up.
The he smiled and said
-"Will all those who stood up please leave? This is a birthday party".Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 10, 2008 10:35 am | | The Genie and Osama Bin Laden | # |
Aditya Seth | | While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked Genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."
The annoyed Genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 13, 2008 5:54 am | | A wife indeed... | # |
Aditya Seth | | A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.
She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
*************************
Wife: "I mended that hole in your pocket last night after you'd gone to bed, dear. Now, I ask you, am I not the thoughtful little wife?"
Husband: "Well, yes, you're thoughtful enough, but tell me, dear, how did you discover there was a hole in my pocket?"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 13, 2008 10:21 am | | re: A wife indeed... | # | 
vasanth vasu | | Hey aditya Seth You are awesome . I think you have huge collections/ Good show keep doing Private Reply to vasanth vasu | | Feb 13, 2008 10:27 am | | re: re: re; Jokes | # |
vasanth vasu | | A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!" Private Reply to vasanth vasu | | Feb 13, 2008 10:49 am | | re:re: re: re: re; Jokes | # |
vasanth vasu | | What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
One more
Teacher: Do you know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away
One More
Son asks Dad about the difference between confidence and confidential.
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential!'
Private Reply to vasanth vasu | | Feb 13, 2008 3:05 pm | | re: re:re: re: re: re; Jokes | # |
sanjay jain | | First Doc: I had sex with my patient. I'm feeling guilty
Second Doc: It happens in our profession. Take it easy yaar.
First Doc: Yeah, but I'm a Veterinary doctor
Sex n shopping have one thing in common: In both the cases, men start sweating in 15 minutes n women want to go on and on and on and on!
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u hav to do it againPrivate Reply to sanjay jain | | Feb 15, 2008 7:58 am | | re: re: re:re: re: re: re; Jokes | # |
vasanth vasu | | Aditya Seth where are you waiting for you to unleash Private Reply to vasanth vasu | | Feb 15, 2008 12:01 pm | | re: re: re: re:re: re: re: re; Jokes | # |
sanjay jain | | Raju Married a lady Traffic Police, Friend: How was ur 1st Night? Raju: She collected Rs.100/= 4 overspeed, Rs.200/= 4 wrong side entry, Rs.500/= 4 without helmet Private Reply to sanjay jain | | Feb 17, 2008 1:11 pm | | Sardaron wali gal! | # |
Aditya Seth | |
One young man went for an IAS Interview.
"When did India get independence?" He was asked.
"The efforts began many years earlier and final result was in 1947" He
replied.
"Who was responsible for our independence?"
"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one it will be a
injustice
to another. " He replied.
Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"
"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainty
only
after seeing the report" He replied.
The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful
answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they
were
planning to ask the same questions. When he went out naturally others
were
curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one
persistent
Sardar would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded,
and
our
friend obliged.
! Then it was the turn of this Sardar. When he went inside, since his
resume
was slightly illegible, the board member asked him.
"By the way, what is your year of birth?"
He replied, "The effort began many years earlier and final result was
in
1947."
Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification.
"What is your father's name?"
He replied, "There were so many whom to mention. If I name one it will
be
injustice to another."
The interviewer was incensed. "Hey! Are you mad or what?"
He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with
certainty only after seeing the report."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 17, 2008 7:34 pm | | Bono... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous
throughout the entertainment industry for being more
than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow , Scotland , he
asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the
silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once
every few seconds. Holding the audience in total
silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I
clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'
A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of
the crowd pierced the quiet:
'Well, foockin stop doin' it then, y' evil bastard !'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 22, 2008 6:34 pm | | Premonition! | # |
Aditya Seth | | A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'
The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.'
The next day the grandmother died.
'Holy shit! 'thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'
He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'
She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 24, 2008 12:57 pm | | You may be a Taliban if...... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following.
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 24, 2008 2:16 pm | | Women Women Women........ | # |
Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N | | Women
Women
Women
If u Praise Them, They think you are lying,
If u dont, you are good for nothing.
If they talk, they want you to talk.
If you kiss them, you are not a gentleman.
If you dont, you are not a man.
If you agree to all their likes, you are idiot. Have no own mind!.
If you dont you are not understanding..
Women
Women
Women
Private Reply to Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N | | Feb 27, 2008 9:58 am | | re: Jokes& More Jokes | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | | A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What, my dear?" she asked gently.
"You're a goddamn jinx!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:
"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Feb 29, 2008 11:36 am | | re: re: Jokes& More Jokes Ghost | # |
vasanth vasu | | A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?
One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.
The student replies, "Ghost?!?" "Dang it, I thought you said ''GOATS
Private Reply to vasanth vasu | | Feb 29, 2008 12:26 pm | | re: re: re: Jokes& More Jokes- Little Johnny | # |
vasanth vasu | | Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch...'"
"Johnny !" shouted his mother. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use the swearwords."
"But, Mom," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."
Next day Johnny's mother went right into the classroom to complain. "Oh, heavens !" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.' "
~~~~~
Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."
Private Reply to vasanth vasu | | Feb 29, 2008 12:30 pm | | re: re: re: re: Jokes& More Jokes- Little Johnny | # |
vasanth vasu | | This was a call to Dell PC Coustomer Support call center
Customer: hello?
Technical Support: hello
Customer: yeah, my cup holder broke and my computer is still under warranty, so I
would like to get it replaced.
Technical Support: ummm cup holder?
Customer: yeah cup holder...
Technical Support: ummm did you get it with a promotional offer?
Customer: no
Technical Support: umm are you sure you got the right company?
Customer: yeah
Technical Support: Ummm... i 'm sorry if I sound confused, because I am.
Customer: well its square, and its on the front of the computer, and it comes out when you press a button...
At this point the Tech support guy had to put the guy on hold so he could
finish laughing...
The guy had broken his CD-ROM drive, thinking it was a cup holder
Private Reply to vasanth vasu | | Feb 29, 2008 12:40 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Jokes& More Jokes- Car Bomb | # |
vasanth vasu | | Two sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have a one more
Private Reply to vasanth vasu | | Feb 29, 2008 1:35 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes& More Jokes- Little Johnny | # |
vasanth vasu | |
Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.
Private Reply to vasanth vasu | | Feb 29, 2008 3:03 pm | | Santa yet again... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Agent: What is your father's name in english?
Santa: Beautiful red underwear
Agent: R u joking?
Santa: No, my father's name is Sunder Lal ChaddaPrivate Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 29, 2008 3:46 pm | | re: Heaven First | # |
vasanth vasu | |
On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class Which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God. The teacher praises the little girl
Then a little boy raises his hand and says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love. "Very good," said the teacher.
The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, "Oh god, I'm coming!'"
Private Reply to vasanth vasu | | Mar 02, 2008 2:42 pm | | HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA | # |
Aditya Seth | | A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more - "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Center man sorts through his files and replies - "Oh yes... here it is:
The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions.
You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi, which is about 20 miles from here."
"Oh why, is that where the job is at?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is for this position!!!!!"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 07, 2008 6:30 am | | re: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA | # |
sanjay jain | | कुछ लोग ज़माने ऐसे भी तो होते हैं ,
महफिल में जो हंसते हैं, तन्हाई मे रोते हैं।Private Reply to sanjay jain | | Mar 11, 2008 6:06 am | | Improving the system!!!!!!! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Chief Two Eagles sat in his tepee on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official,
"You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing. All night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled .... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system
like that."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 11, 2008 6:17 am | | INVOLUNTARY MUSCLE CONTRACTIONS! | # |
Aditya Seth | | A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students .
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,"Do you know what
your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 11, 2008 10:47 am | | re: INVOLUNTARY MUSCLE CONTRACTIONS! | # |
vasanth vasu | | British
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may
I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in
particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under
that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not
only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be
put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold your fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side
of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the
window.
Private Reply to vasanth vasu | | Mar 11, 2008 10:50 am | | re: re: haha one more | # |
vasanth vasu | | Aditya Nice one
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and theyre all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. Theyre each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guys cell. He comes out and says, I studied so hard. Im so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific. They open up the second guys door. He comes out with his wife, and theyve got five new kids. He says. It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it. They open up the third guys door, and hes slapping at his pockets, going Anybody got a match?
Private Reply to vasanth vasu | | Mar 11, 2008 12:47 pm | | Under the Influence | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | |
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.
Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Mar 12, 2008 3:29 pm | | And Laloo returns.....!!! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Laloo Prasad Yadav died. Rabri Devi(his wife) was very worried whether Laloo would be able to make it to heaven, so she decided to try & contact this spirit by having a seance. (black magic used to contact the dead)Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, Laloo's voice was heard answering, Helloooooooo Rabri, this is meeee..."
"Oh dear Lalooji," she answered." I just need to know if you're happy there in your after-life. What's it like there?"
"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Laloo answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected .... and, above all, there is no scam! And the only thing we do, all day long, are, eat and sleep, eat and sleep,over and over." "Thank God, you reached heaven," his Rabri cried, wiping some tears.
"Heaven?"he answered. "What heaven?
I'm reborn....."I'm a buffalo in Switzerland ." Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 17, 2008 7:00 pm | | The Muslim way | # |
Aditya Seth | | A Conservative Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice".
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 18, 2008 12:54 pm | | Good Bye | # | 
Dr.Amol Pradhan | | Good bye, Mom ...
It looks like a sad story...but do continue reading to the
end!.....Its a lesson to learn..................
I was walking through the supermarket to pick up a few things when I
noticed an old lady following me around. Thinking nothing of it, I
ignored her and continued on. Finally I went to the checkout line, but
she got in front of me.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel
uncomfortable. It's just that you look like my son, who just died
recently."
"I'm very sorry," I said to her, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mom?' It would
make me feel so much better."
"Sure," I said. An odd request, but no harm would come of it.
As the old woman was leaving, I called out, "Good Bye, Mom!"
As I stepped up to the checkout counter, I saw that my total was
$1027.50.
"How can that be?" I asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
Private Reply to Dr.Amol Pradhan | | Mar 18, 2008 12:58 pm | | Secrets behind happymarriedlife | # |
Dr.Amol Pradhan | | Once X asked Y, "What is the secret behind your happy married
life?"
Y said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect
to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."
X asked, "Can you explain?"
Y said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my
wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's
decisions."
Still not convinced, X asked Y "Give me some examples"
Y said," Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount
to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner,
refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc
are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"
X asked, "Then what is your role?"
Y said," My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether
America should attack Iran , whether Britain should lift sanction over
Zimbabwe , whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar
should retire etc etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to
any of these".
Private Reply to Dr.Amol Pradhan | | Mar 22, 2008 8:34 am | | Santa Banta & other sardars... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Santa: I have swallowed a key.
Doctor: When?
Santa: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell. Santa doesn't turns up
for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I
press the bell but no one comes out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago,
he hasn't come back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You
know why?
Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ultimate answer while changing the job.
Interviewer: Why did you change your last job?
Santa: Because the company shifted and didn't tell me where.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying
furiously...
Finally, Santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did Santa keep the door open while bathing?
Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar wanted to make a STD. call to Punjab , He wanted to save money
so what did he do?
Simple, he went to Punjab and made a local call.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oye paaji, apni pregnant wife ko itne dard mein hospital ki jagah
pizza hut kyun leja raha hai........
Sardarji: Kyun key pizza hut mein 'Delivery Free' hai.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sardar enters shop shouts, Where is my free gift with this oil?
Shopkeeper: Iske Saath koi gift nahin hai bhai saab.
Sardar : Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this
village?
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: A for?
Sardar: Apple
Teacher: Jor se bolo?
Sardar: Jay mata di.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
American says: ' US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai..'
Sardarji says: ' India me to.. shaadi Fe-mail se hoti hai...!!!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar orders pizza.
Waiter: Sir shud i cut it into 4 pieces or into 8 pieces?
Sardar: 4 hi karde 8 khaye nahi jayenge
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who r u?
Girl: Seeta here.
Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaapte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta
hai jaise usko vapas karne
aya hai.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pathan sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.
When a person asked what he was doing?
He replied, Oye! Higher studies yaar.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2 sardars were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1st Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1st Sardar: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we
both copied.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sardar learning english introduces his family in the party:
Hi! I am sardar, this is my sardarni, he is my kid, & she is my
kidney.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar 1: I'm very kanjoos, I went 2 honeymoon alone & saved 1/2
money.
Sardar 2: You r nothing I saved all my money, my friend was going & I
sent my wife with him.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 23, 2008 6:32 am | | MEN NEVER LISTEN !!!!! | # |
Aditya Seth | | In a very modern Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made
several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been
occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not
to touch any of the
buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the
buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red
one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed
gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have
nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm
air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this
unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a rest room,
- it is tender loving pleasure,
When the powder puff
completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR
button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital
bed, and the nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was
pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is
under your pillow.'Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 23, 2008 6:37 am | | 3 ducks go into a Bar...... | # |
Aditya Seth | | "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles." Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 24, 2008 1:47 pm | | Curiosity killed the Cat..... | # |
Aditya Seth | | A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local restaurant.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink sister?"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 24, 2008 6:08 pm | | re: Curiosity killed the Cat..... | # | 
sushi krishnamoorthi | |
Aditya Seth is like king Vikramaditya..Private Reply to sushi krishnamoorthi | | Mar 28, 2008 12:09 pm | | THREE ACCOUNTANTS. | # |
Aditya Seth | | Three accountants were standing at the urinals. The first accountant finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towels and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried
Turning to the other two Accountants, he said, 'At Price Waterhouse Coopers', we are trained to be extremely thorough.'
The second accountant finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, at 'E&Y', not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.'
The third accountant finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, 'At Suresh & Surana, we don't pee on our hands.' !!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 29, 2008 10:02 am | | After an international beer conference in London, | # |
Aditya Seth | | After an international beer conference in London, all the world's top
brewery bosses decide to go out for a beer together.
The Chairman of Budweiser says, "I'd like the most refreshing beer in
the world, 'The King Of Beers': give me a Budweiser."
The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him
The Chairman of Guiness says, "I'd like the only beer in the world
worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness."
The bartender serves him.
The Chairman of Carlsberg says, " I would like the world's best beer,
drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg."
He gets it.
Vijay Mallya sits down, looks around and says, "Just give me a Coke."
The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him.
The other brewery bosses were surprised and said, "Hey Vijay, how come
you aren't drinking a Kingfisher?"
"Listen," says Vijay Mallya, "If you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 30, 2008 11:54 am | | THE BLIND COWBOY*** | # |
Aditya Seth | | An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde gal with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Mar 31, 2008 4:02 am | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Shon | | Amezing sruff...i like that.Keep it up guys
Cheers
ShonPrivate Reply to Shon | | Mar 31, 2008 8:55 am | | re: re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
RAJAN ADVANI | | Helisoft
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless an
Private Reply to RAJAN ADVANI | | Apr 07, 2008 6:26 pm | | Streaking!!! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local
town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned
over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore.
For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that
stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,
completely naked, streaked, as fast as an old lady can, through the
front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion
inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The
smiling, naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a
cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize for Best Dried Arrangement."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 08, 2008 2:26 pm | | re: Streaking!!! | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | | Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa !!!!!
Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Apr 08, 2008 6:12 pm | | Two Crocodiles. | # |
Aditya Seth | | Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 11, 2008 10:51 am | | re: Two Crocodiles. | # |
sanjay jain | | Dr Chopra psychotherapist wanted 'Sign board' to be
painted in front of his clinic but our Sardar painter
painted "Dr Chorpa Psycho The RapistPrivate Reply to sanjay jain | | Apr 11, 2008 6:17 pm | | Never lie to an Indian Mom !!! | # |
Aditya Seth | | A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for
dinner.....who lives with a girl roommate Sunita.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't
help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She
had long been suspicious of a relationship between
the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there was
more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, 'I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Sunita and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been
unable to find the silver plate.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Kumar said ,
'Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, jjust to be sure.'
So he sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate
from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not'
take the silver plate.. But the fact remains that it
has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Kumar
Several days later, Kumar received an email from his
Mother which read
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her
OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by
now under the pillow...
Love,
Mom.
Lesson of the day:
Don't Lie to Your Mother...........especially if she
is Indian !Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 12, 2008 2:22 pm | | Travel plan for Moon (for Indians only)!!!! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Manmohan Singh to Bush We are sending Indians to the moon next year.
Bush Wow! How Many?
Manmohan Singh - 100
25 - OBC
25 -SC
20 - ST
5 - Handicapped
5 - Sports Persons
5 - Terrorist Affected
5 - Kashmiri Migrants
9 - Politicians
and if possible
1 Astronnaut Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 13, 2008 12:59 pm | | Excellent !! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery: why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows are exchanged.
Finally, the riddle is solved. A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.
When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: aisle, altar, hymn, begins. She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions: aisle, altar, hymn. . . aisle, altar, hymn. . . aisle, altar, hymn. And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is complete.
She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself... 'I'll alter him!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 20, 2008 9:07 am | | Gujju smart. | # |
Aditya Seth | |
One day many years ago at a school in South London a
teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,
"I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was
the most respected man, whom people consider God,
who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.
Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It
was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not
right either.
Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said,
"It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant,
come up here and I'll give you the $20."
As the teacher was giving Jayant his money,
Teacher said, "You know Jayant, since you are
Gujarati,
I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord
Krishna, but business is business!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 20, 2008 12:44 pm | | Joke for the weekend | # |
Aditya Seth | | A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?"
asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The
little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk
around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to
come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it
with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the
scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only
go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few
minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran
out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her
home."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 21, 2008 12:44 pm | | Halleluah!!!!!! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with
heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVESPrivate Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 21, 2008 6:50 pm | | AH! married life!! | # |
Aditya Seth | | *3 women: one engaged, one a mistress, and one married, are chatting about
their relationships and decide to amaze their men... that night all three
will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again...
The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home,
he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he
said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all
night long.'
The mistress: 'Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything... but we
had wild sex all night.'
The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for
the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over
my eyes... my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says........
......
'Alright Batman, what's for dinner...?'*
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 22, 2008 6:49 pm | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # | 
Shalini Sharma | | What will the neighbors think?
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
Regards,
Shalini Sharma
***MIND POWER COURSE***
http://blog.goldeninspiration.comPrivate Reply to Shalini Sharma | | Apr 23, 2008 1:42 pm | | The Economic Stimulus Bill! | # |
Aditya Seth | | This week The Chancellor of Exchequer will allow each one of us to get a tax rebate. If we spend that money at Tesco, most of the money will go to China , if we spend it on petrol it will all go to the Arabs, if we spend it on new computers all the money will go to India for tech support and none will help the British economy.
The way I see it, we need to keep that money here in United Kingdom, so the only way I can see to keep that money here at home is drink beer or spend it on prostitution, those are the only businesses still in the U.K.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Apr 24, 2008 5:47 pm | | In the Afrikaans press today: | # |
Aditya Seth | | " The story is told of a very rich Indian millionaire who went to
Australia to watch his 'boys' play cricket. The Aussie at passport
control sat fingering through his passport for ages, looking as
unfriendly as he could manage.
At last he growled: "Have you got a criminal record?"
The Indian businessman smiled sweetly and said, "I am terribly sorry,
Sir; unfortunately, I don't have one. Nobody told me that it was still
a requirement to get into your good country."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 02, 2008 6:26 pm | | Defining Viagra. | # |
Aditya Seth | | The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of
medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: Tylenol?
Very good! And what is it used for?
It is used for headache.
The second pupil said: Nytol
Excellent. And what it is used for?
To help you sleep
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said:Viagra
Johnny. What is it used for?
I think it can be used for diarrhea.
Who told you this?
Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father
'take a Viagra, may be that little shit will get harder'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 03, 2008 12:14 pm | | The Four Cats! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist ļæ½ļæ½.. And the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies...........Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said ļæ½ļæ½ļæ½ļæ½ļæ½.. 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said ļæ½ļæ½
'Coffee Break ļæ½ļæ½ do your stuff.'
Coffee Break jumped to his feet ļæ½ļæ½.. ate the cookies, drank the milk, sh*t on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
AND THAT'S WHY I WANT TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 04, 2008 7:59 am | | Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.... | # |
Aditya Seth | | The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12
Cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him " MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 04, 2008 8:25 pm | | Jogging with Clinton. | # |
Aditya Seth | | Bill Clinton started jogging near his
new home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog
past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace
himself as he approached her for what
was most certainly to follow.
'Fifty dollars!' she would cry
out from the curb.
'No, Five dollars!'
fired back Clinton .
This ritual between Bill and the
hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell,
'Fifty dollars!'
And he'd yell back,
'Five dollars!'
One day however,
Hillary decided that she
wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic
street corner, Bill realized the 'pro' would
bark her $50 offer and Hillary would
wonder what he'd really
been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a
darn good explanation
for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would
take them past the corner,
Bill became even more apprehensive
than usual.
Sure enough,
there was the hooker !
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.
Then,
from the sidewalk,
the hooker yelled...
See what you get for five bucks!?'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 05, 2008 7:07 am | | Translation!!! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Sonia Gandhi was addressing a vast rally in Amritsar with another Punjabi
Congressman by her side. She said "India has the beauty of the East, brains
of the South, will of the West and virility of the North. If we combine
these, we can rule the world"
There was complete silence as none of the people understood a word of all
this. At this point the Punjabi congressman remarked to Mrs G, 'Madam may I
translate this so that my people can understand?' Mrs G agreed. He stood up
to the mike and said:
"Madam ji kehndin hain,
Saade desh de kol,
Bengal di phuddi hai,
Madras di budhhi hai,
Bumbai da mann hai,
te Punjab da lunnd hai.
Agar eh saarian cheezaan mila dittian jaan, ta assi saari duniya di bund
maar lawange"
Loud cheers from the crowd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 06, 2008 6:39 am | | Fireman sex. | # |
Aditya Seth | |
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
we are going to make love all night.
' The next night he came home from work and yelled
'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.' Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 11, 2008 10:15 am | | George Bush & Abdul Kalam. | # |
Aditya Seth | | While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with
Abdul Kalam. He Asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to Surround him with intelligent people.
Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent. 'I do so by asking them the right questions,' says the Kalam. 'Allow me to demonstrate.'
Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and
says,'Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question:
Your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?'
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Manmohan immediately responds, 'It's me, Sir!' 'Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,' says Kalam. He hangs up and says, 'Did you get that, Mr.Bush?'
Bush nods: 'Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot.
I'll definitely be using that!'
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better
put Condoleezza Rice to the test.
Bush summons her to the White House and says,'Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.'
'Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?'
Bush poses the question: 'Uhh, your mother has a child,
and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?'
Rice was puzzled and finally asks, 'Can I think about
it and get back to you?' Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.
Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior
senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell
and explains the problem.
'Mr.. Powell, your mother has a child, and your
father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?'
Powell answers immediately, 'It's me, of course.'
Much relieved Rice rushes back to the White
House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, 'I know the answer, sir! I know who it
is!
It's our Colin Powell !'
And Bush replies in disgust, 'Wrong, it's
Manmohan Singh!' Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 15, 2008 4:42 pm | | re: George Bush & Abdul Kalam. | # |
sanjay jain | | An elephant fell in luv with n ant. But ant's parents refuse elephant.. Guess why? They gave a solid reason - "chhokra na Daat baahar che. Private Reply to sanjay jain | | May 16, 2008 11:54 am | | Underwear dust. | # |
Aditya Seth | | One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said
to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes
in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your
butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply
couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out
of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to
himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook
them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put
talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle
Grow'Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 17, 2008 7:30 am | | Funny ....... | # |
Aditya Seth | | I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says: "I
don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!!
What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the
planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to take so I told her we'll just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a
pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she
picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one
wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I
blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went
completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this
look like she was going to kill me,
I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either!!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 17, 2008 11:20 am | | Interview. | # |
Aditya Seth | | Is America ready for a woman or a black President??? A most succinct analysis:
In Larry King's interview with Jon Stewart, Larry brought up the subject of the primaries and asked him if America was ready for a woman or a black president.
Jon looked at him quizzically and said 'This is such a non-question. Did anyone ask us in 2000 if Americans were ready for a moron?'Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 23, 2008 1:29 pm | | Fruit Polos. | # |
Aditya Seth | | A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos.
He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
'Red............cherry,'
'Yellow.........lemon,'
'Green..........lime,'
'Orange........orange.'
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 26, 2008 5:35 am | | re: Fruit Polos. | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | | A Ultimate test of Man was organised with participants from all over the world.
Test 1 - Contestants to down 6 bottles of whisky.
Test 2 - Then pluck the eyelids of a ferocious lion.
then Test 3 - 'Satisfy' a willing woman.
Many fail after after downing upto 3 bottles of whisky, ... the ones who complete the first test, walk into the lion's den only to be devoured by the hungry lion.
Then it comes down to Santa Singh as the last participants.
He downs the whiskies, lets out a roar and walks into the den. This is followed by sounds of fights, roars, screams by our Santa and the lion. Finally, a dead calm inside the den.... minutes pass by .. the organisers are whispering that Santa too has meet the fate of others, when the brave Sardar emrges out of the den. His clothes are torn, he has got some gashes and bruishes but seems ready to take up the next challenge.
He lets out another scream "Where's that woman, whose eyelids I have to pluck?"Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | May 26, 2008 11:11 pm | | The Penguins | # | 
Ingrid Webster | | A man walks down the street with ten penguins. He gets stopped by a police officer: "You can't walk here with your penguins, you'll have to bring them to the Zoo." The man says: "Ok, I'll do that."
The next day, the same officeer sees the man with his ten penguins walking down the street again, all are wearing little sunglasses. The police officer says to him: "I told you yesterday to bring the penguins to the Zoo." The man says: "But we went there already yesterday. Today I'm bringing them to the beach."
Happy sunbathing!
Ingrid Webster
The Neverending Necklace
"A String of Love and Peace going around the World!"
http://www.addbeads.com
Private Reply to Ingrid Webster | | May 27, 2008 5:39 pm | | A Jewish Bra | # |
Aditya Seth | | A Jewish man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York.
He tells the saleslady, 'I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size, 34B.'
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, 'What kind of bra?'
He repeated, 'A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted.'
'Ah, now I remember,' said the saleslady. 'We don't get as many requests for those as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.'
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked 'So, what are the differences?'
The sales lady responded. 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.'
He mused on that information for a minute and said, 'Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?'
'Ah, the Jewish bra,' she replied 'makes mountains out of molehills.'Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 05, 2008 9:44 am | | Rape revisited. | # |
Aditya Seth | | Judge to prostitute, :So when did you realize you were raped? Prostitute, wiping away tears:;When the cheque bounced ...... :-) Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 07, 2008 7:16 am | | re: Rape revisited. | # |
sanjay jain | | Woman on African Safari has torrid sexx wid large Native
Asks his name
He:Snow
She Laughs:My husband will never believe I enjoyed 12 inches of Snow in Africa
Aftr Sex girl ran Back 2 hostel bathrum.Stuck her head betwn her legs,lukin at her hole,said-it was 8"long whn went in-but 4"whn cameout where's d restPrivate Reply to sanjay jain | | Jun 07, 2008 6:09 pm | | Only In Glasgow | # |
Aditya Seth | |
An answer that only a child from Glasgow could think of.
I was testing the children in my local Sunday school class to see if
they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and
gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'
Again, the answer was, 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun! 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave
sweets to all the children, and loved my wife would that get me into
Heaven?' I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for
them.
Well, I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'
A six-year-old boy from Glasgow shouted out,
'YOU'VE GOT TAE BE F*CKIN' DEID`Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 09, 2008 10:10 am | | re: Only In Glasgow | # |
Faisal Shaikh | | PRINCIPAL :Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200 Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.
MUNNA BHAI :Boley to Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu?
Private Reply to Faisal Shaikh | | Jun 09, 2008 10:17 am | | re: re: Only In Glasgow | # |
Faisal Shaikh | | A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
>
>She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
>
>On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
>
>Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but
>how old do you think I am?'
>
>'About 32,' is the reply.'
>
>'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
>
>A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
>very same question.
>
>The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
>
>The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
>
>Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on
>her way down the street.
>
>She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk thi burning
>question.
>
>The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
>
>Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
>
>While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to
>her the same question.
>
>He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
>young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
>
>It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
>your bra.
>
>Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
>
>They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best
>of her.
>
>She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
>
>He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
>slowly and carefully.
>
>He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches eac nipple.
>
>He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
>
>After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
>
>He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
>'Madam, you are 50.'
>
>Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you
>tell?'
>
>The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
>
>'I promise I won't' she says.
>
>'I was behind you at McDonalds. Private Reply to Faisal Shaikh | | Jun 12, 2008 12:26 pm | | Catholic children... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, āMy son is a priest. When he walks into
a room, everyone calls him āFatherā.ā
The second Catholic woman chirps, āWell, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he
walks into a room, people say, āYour Graceā.ā
The third Catholic woman says smugly, āWell, not to put you down, but my
son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say āYour Eminenceā.ā
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle āWell...?ā
She replies, āMy son is a gorgeous, 6ā4ā, hard bodied, well hung, male
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, āMy God...āā
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 12, 2008 1:28 pm | | re: Catholic children... | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | | There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."
And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "KARATE MY ASS!"Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Jun 16, 2008 1:01 pm | | New Exam pattern in India (Revised): | # |
Aditya Seth | | 1. General students - Answer ALL questions.
2. OBC - WRITE ANY one question.
3. SC - ONLY READ questions.
4. ST - THANKS FOR COMING..
AND.
5. Gujjars/Jats - THANKS FOR ALLOWING OTHERS TO ATTEND THE EXAMINATION .. !!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 21, 2008 6:57 am | | What is Butt Dust? | # |
Aditya Seth | | JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?' Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 27, 2008 8:05 am | | An Old Story: | # |
Aditya Seth | | The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and
laying up supplies for the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the
summer away.
Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or
shelter so he dies out in the cold.
Indian Version:
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and
laying up supplies for the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the
summer away.
Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed
while others are cold and starving.
NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper
next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled
with food.
The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor
Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house.
Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that
Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter ..
Mayawati states this as `injustice' done on Minorities.
Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government for
not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.
The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the
Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt
support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance).
Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for 'Bengal Bandh' in
West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.
CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard
in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and
Grasshoppers.
Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway
Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'..
Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ' Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.
Arjun Singh makes 'Special Reservation ' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services.
The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left
to pay his retroactive taxes,it's home is confiscated by the Government
and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.
Arundhati Roy calls it ' A Triumph of Justice'.
Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice '.
CPM calls it the ' Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden '
Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.
Many years later...
The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley,
100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India,
.
..AND
As a result of loosing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the grasshoppers,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
India is still a developing countryā¦!!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 27, 2008 7:39 pm | | re: An Old Story: | # |
dibyendu dutta | | good one boss Private Reply to dibyendu dutta | | Jun 28, 2008 6:11 pm | | re: re: An Old Story: | # |
sanjay jain | | A man phoned & asked:
"Hello, is it 221714?
Lady-Hindi me bolo,
Man do-Do-Ek-SaT Choda?
Lady-Nahi Sir,RELIANCE HAI.
Teen-Teen-Eksath chodha 331714Private Reply to sanjay jain | | Jun 28, 2008 6:12 pm | | delhi --mumbai connection | # |
sanjay jain | | Why is Delhi a male city (Mahanagar)
and Mumbai a female city (mahanagri)
? ? ?
Ans: Delhi has Qutab Minar while
Mumbai has Gateway of INDIA!Private Reply to sanjay jain | | Jun 29, 2008 11:50 am | | delhi --mumbai connection | # | 
Gurooji (Ramesh Iyer) | | sanjay do you realy feel laughing on these jokes
1947 mei bhi koi is joke pe hastey nahi they
these are so old and stale jokes
Private Reply to Gurooji (Ramesh Iyer) | | Jun 29, 2008 1:52 pm | | Three certain things in life | # |
Aditya Seth | | The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well- dressed, good looking man in his late 40's at her doorstep.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour of fun, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no man had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " South Dakota .."
"Really!" she said. "I have family in South Dakota ."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 30, 2008 11:27 am | | Some old PJ's.... still fun! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, 'Pass the wine you divine'.
Sardar thinks 'how poetic'
Sardar says, 'pass the custard you bastard'.
***********************************************
Sardar at bar in New York .
Man on his right says 'Johny Walker single'
Man on his left says 'Peter Scotch single'
Sardar says - 'Baljith Singh Married'
***********************************************
Boss : am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it o.k
Sardar : U R great sir! Starting salary is o.k.......but??
how much is DRIVING salary...?
***********************************************
Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at
night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light
is not needed!!!
***********************************************
2 sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the
other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says
YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO...
***********************************************
Sardar shouting 2 his girl friend ' u said v will do register marriage
and cheated me, I was waiting 4 u yesterday whole day in the post
office....
***********************************************
Sardar is in a dissection class of cockroach. He cuts its 1 leg, and
says, 'chal', it walks.
He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, 'chal' , it walks.
He cuts all the legs and said, 'chal....' Finally he wrote the conclusion......
...... 'after all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it becomes deaf......'
***********************************************
A Tamilian call up sardar and asks ' tamil therima??'
Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... 'Hindi tera baap!!!'
***********************************************
2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....
***********************************************
A sardar on an interview 4 da post detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Sardar : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating.......
***********************************************
A sardar for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the
exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' . he replaced friend with father
in the essay and>it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS,
SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE
FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.
***********************************************
Interviewar: what s ur qualification?
Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY....
***********************************************
Amitab : In which state Cauvery flows?
Sardar : liquid state.....
Audience clapped.. Amitab stunned, looks behind, ALL WERE SARDARS.......Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 30, 2008 8:44 pm | | Old lady... | # |
Aditya Seth | | A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'
The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llo ng aaand aabbout twoo inchess ththiick... aaand rruns by bbaatteries?
The clerk responds, 'Yes we do'.
She asks: ' Dddoo yyooo ouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 07, 2008 9:39 am | | Kuppuswamy. | # |
Aditya Seth | | During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:
Raman: Narayan, I've been attending night classes for
5 months now and I have an exam next week.
Narayan: oh!
Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you
take night Courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of 'The 3 Musketeers',
if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of 'Confessions', if you
take night courses, you would know this.
This time, Narayan got irritated and said:
And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?
Raman: No
Narayan: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you
stop night courses, you would know!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 08, 2008 5:18 am | | Three Topics | # |
little prince | | Three Topics
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
Private Reply to little prince | | Jul 09, 2008 3:49 pm | | re: Three Topics | # |
Ingrid Webster | | One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child,why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied,'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded withrubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied,'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Isthis your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney,you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women
Private Reply to Ingrid Webster | | Jul 09, 2008 4:50 pm | | re: Jokes , Jokes and More Jokes | # |
Sharman Caur | | Ha , Hilarious n Impressive =) Private Reply to Sharman Caur | | Jul 10, 2008 12:10 pm | | Old joke with a contemporary twist... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Prakash Karat, Communist Leader Supremo was seated next
to a little 5th grade girl on the airplane when Karat turned to
her and said, 'Let's talk.'
I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly
and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
Oh, I don't know', said Karat . 'How about nuclear power?'
'OK'. she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you
a question first: 'A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
Prakash Karat turns towards Yechury in dismay, thinks about it and
says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies: 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know anything about shit?!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 10, 2008 2:38 pm | | re: Old joke with a contemporary twist... | # |
Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N | | Women
Women
Women
If u Praise Them, They think you are lying,
If u dont, you are good for nothing.
If they talk, they want you to talk.
If you kiss them, you are not a gentleman.
If you dont, you are not a man.
If you agree to all their likes, you are idiot. Have no own mind!.
If you dont you are not understanding..
Women
Women
Women
So hard to live with them and even harder to live without them
..Private Reply to Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N | | Jul 11, 2008 8:34 am | | Marry in the US... | # |
Aditya Seth | | City Hall in San Francisco
( A scene at City Hall in San Francisco )
'Next.'
'Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license.'
'Names?'
'Tim and Jim Jones.'
'Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance. '
'Yes, we're brothers.'
'Brothers? You can't get married.'
'Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?'
'Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!'
'Incest?' No, we are not gay.'
'Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?'
'For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects.'
'But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman.'
'Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim.'
'And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?'
'All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next.'
'Hi. We are here to get married.'
'Names?'
'John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson.'
'Who wants to marry whom?'
'We all want to marry each other.'
'But there are four of you!'
'That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship. '
'But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples.'
'So you're discriminating against bisexuals!'
'No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples.'
'Since when are you standing on tradition?'
'Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere.'
'Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!'
'All right, all right. Next.'
'Hello, I'd like a marriage license.'
'In what names?'
'David Deets.'
'And the other man?'
'That's all. I want to marry myself.'
'Marry yourself? What do you mean?'
'Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return.'
'That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 12, 2008 9:32 am | | Arab in US | # |
Aditya Seth | | Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East and he was only here a few months when he became ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said:
'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket ahn breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.
'Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, and bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor, he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific!
What was wrong with me?'
The doctor said, 'You were homesick.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 12, 2008 9:27 pm | | Arab in US | # |
Gurooji (Ramesh Iyer) | | very US inspired, ghatiya soch, ghatiya joke Private Reply to Gurooji (Ramesh Iyer) | | Jul 13, 2008 10:46 am | | Difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, and 68? | # |
Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N | | You know what the difference between girls aged is: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, and 68?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
(Sorry 2 all Ladies friend)
Private Reply to Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N | | Jul 13, 2008 6:32 pm | | what a son | # |
Aditya Seth | | *A couple were sitting up waiting
for their 16 year old son to come home
from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big
smile on his face..
"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex
for the first time, and it was wonderful!"
His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk
to him". Then she left the room.*
*
The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm
proud of you.
I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike
you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get
it". "That's OK, Dad", said the boy.
"I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my @ss is too sore."*
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 15, 2008 1:40 am | | re: what a son | # |
SOEB FATEHI | | I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line..Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations' .
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.Private Reply to SOEB FATEHI | | Jul 16, 2008 6:13 am | | The big Debate of life support | # |
Aditya Seth | | Last night my mom and I were sitting in the living room talking about the many things of life... in-between.. . we talked about the idea of living or dying.
I said to her: ' Mom, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.
Then my mom got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the Ipod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!
....I ALMOST DIED!!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 16, 2008 12:19 pm | | Lovable fighter Pilot............... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ' Pierre , kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ' Pierre , kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
' Pierre ! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ' Pierre , kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 23, 2008 11:55 am | | Paddy's sister! | # |
Aditya Seth | | Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a
deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up
and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor
about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins... a boy and a girl. The babies
are fine; however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened
immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother he's
a fecking clueless idiot... Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,
'Well, what's my daughter's name?'
'Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow,
that's a really beautiful name, 'I guess I was wrong about my brother',
she thought....'I really like Denise
Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?'
The doctor replies 'Denephew.' Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 28, 2008 9:47 am | | NEVER TICK OFF A NURSE | # |
Aditya Seth | | A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his
staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
'No,I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'
After a pause, the doctor confessed....
'Not with a carnation.'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 28, 2008 11:19 am | | Weather forecast | # |
Aditya Seth | | It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia
asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold
and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader,
after several days he had an idea.
He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked,
'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold ?'
The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter ?'
The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure the winter is going to be very cold ?'
'Absolutely, ' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked. The weatherman replied,
'Our satellites report the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 29, 2008 1:10 pm | | Age Concern! | # |
Aditya Seth | | HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME
HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH
SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON
SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD
TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE
HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH
SCHOOL
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASS,
GREY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED:
' 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???.'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 06, 2008 9:00 am | | Geography... | # |
Aditya Seth | | A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. 'This is not the 1928 Mouton.'
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there is another twenty people surrounding the table including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
'My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine.
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.
"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you
even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him,
'When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 06, 2008 1:16 pm | | Reality check. | # |
Aditya Seth | | Nudist Colony
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off
his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and
the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over
to him and says, 'Sir, did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here
that if you get an erection it implies you called for me.'
Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down
on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have
his way with her.
The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters
the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible,
corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. 'Did you call for
me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new here,' says the hairy man, 'it is a rule here
that if you fart it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily
spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is
greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. 'May I help you?' she
says.
The man yells, 'Here is my membership card, you can have the
key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few
hours,
you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 58 years old, I get a hard-on
once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 13, 2008 11:08 am | | re: Reality check. | # |
sanjay jain | | Hw does an AIR HOSTESS greet a GOODLOOKING MALE passenger?
Think...She says...'APKA HARD-D!Ck SWAGAT HAI'
Private Reply to sanjay jain | | Aug 14, 2008 11:06 am | | Smart Kids | # | 
Moosa Khan | | Once a IT guy was going to UK for on a official meeting. He went home and told his wife that he is going to UK. His wife asked him when he is going to be back, he replied her saying honey I will be back in two weeks.
His small kid aged 4 yrs was listening to this and asked his father, father you are going to UK for 2 weeks. Father replied yes, the kids asks his father: father then who will be my papa for these two weeks?
By the way, this happened in my office!!! :-DPrivate Reply to Moosa Khan | | Aug 14, 2008 7:21 pm | | Happy Indian Day. | # |
Aditya Seth | | A first grade teacher explains to her class that she was an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their little hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception.
A girl named Gita who has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she had decided to be different.
'Because I am not an American.' replied Gita.
'Then', asks the teacher, 'What are you?'
'I'm a proud Indian,' boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Gita why she is an Indian.
'Well', my mom and dad are Indians, 'so I'm an Indian too.'
The teacher is now angry. 'That's no reason', she says loudly 'if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?'
A pause, and a smile.
'Then' says Gita, 'I'd be an American.'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 16, 2008 6:29 am | | re: Happy Indian Day. | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | | A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Aug 18, 2008 7:50 am | | re: re: Happy Indian Day. | # |
sanjay jain | | Democratic differences between USA & India:
In USA you can kiss in public places but cannot shit,
In India you can shit in public places but cannot kiss!Private Reply to sanjay jain | | Aug 18, 2008 6:10 pm | | re: re: re: Happy Indian Day. | # | 
Shiraz Qamar | | LOL Sanjay,
I like your joke - The Comparison.
Regards,
Mohammed Shiraz Qamar
[Managing Director]
http://www.MyEverydayPage.com
1 Click Access to all Imp. Websites.Private Reply to Shiraz Qamar | | Aug 19, 2008 10:38 pm | | re: re: re: re: Happy Indian Day. | # |
Gurooji (Ramesh Iyer) | | A keen immigrant Indian SINDHI had applied for a salesman's job at London's premier downtown department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him,
'Have you ever been a salesman before?' 'Yes sir, I was a salesman in Kolkata in India', replied the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, 'You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you.'
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it.
And finally 6:00 pm came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked,
'How many sales did you make today?'
'Sir, Just ONE sale.' said the young salesman. 'Only one sale?' blurted the boss. ' No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sale a day. .' If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way 'How much was the sale worth?'
'Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four pounds' said the young Sindhi.
'How did you manage that?' asked the flabbergasted boss.
'Well', said the salesman 'this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. So I told him he'd be needing a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sell him that new Deluxe SUV 4X4 Blazer.
I then asked him where he'll be staying, an since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about 100 pound sterling worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, 'You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook!!'
'No' answered the salesman, 'he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's screwed anyway, you might as well go fishing.'
Private Reply to Gurooji (Ramesh Iyer) | | Aug 23, 2008 1:11 pm | | Birbal's mind.... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Tansen was a high-ranking official in King Akbar's court. However, he had one longstanding wish - to suck the queen's boobs to his heart's desire. Every time he passed the queen, he would get frustrated.
He revealed his desire to Birbal one day, and begged him to do something about it. Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the condition that Tansen could suck the boobs to his desire but later he would have to pay Birbal 1000 gold coins for it.
Tansen agreed. The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching lotion and poured it into the queen's bra while she was taking a bath. Soon the itching started and grew in intensity much to the king's anxiety.
Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure it. Birbal also added that such a saliva was only in Tansen's mouth.
Akbar summoned Tansen and for the next 4 hours, Tansen violently sucked the queen's brxxxxts. Licking, playing he got what he always desired. Satisfied, he returned and met Birbal, but since his mission was over, he refused to pay Birbal anything and in fact, shooed him away. Tansen of course knew that Birbal could never report this matter to the emperor since he was instrumental in it himself. What Tansen did not know was what Birbal would do the next day...
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Birbal duly put that lotion in Emperor Akbar's underwear !
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 24, 2008 6:32 pm | | Sardar , tussi great ho........ | # |
Aditya Seth | | A policeman was testing 3 Singh brothers who were training to become
detectives.To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first Singh a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?'
The first Singh answers, 'That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!' The policeman says, 'Well...uh.. .that's because the picture I showed is his side profile.'
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the
picture for 5 seconds at the second Singh and asks him, 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?'
The second Singh smiles and says, 'Ha! He'd be too easy
to catch because he only has one ear!' The policeman angrily
responds,'What' s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?'
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the
third Singh and in a very testy voice asks, 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, 'Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.'
The Singh looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, 'The suspect wears contact lenses.' The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. 'Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that.'
He leaves the room and goes to his office,checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
'Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wears contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute
observation? '
'That's easy,' the Singh replied. 'He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 25, 2008 2:27 pm | | re: Sardar , tussi great ho........ | # |
sanjay jain | | Santa joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.
Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Santa : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright. Private Reply to sanjay jain | | Aug 26, 2008 6:28 pm | | Seamus the farmer ... | # |
Aditya Seth | | An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details',the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F*ck would you have said?
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 27, 2008 5:51 pm | | Sardar once more | # |
Aditya Seth | | Pakistani, Bangladeshi and OUR Sardar are in a bar one night having a beer.
The Pakistani drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
The Bangladeshi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
OUR Sardar, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Pakistani and Bangladeshi.
He says "In India we have too many Pakistanis and Bangladeshi that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
Balle balle te thalle thalle !!!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 28, 2008 10:22 am | | Camels... | # |
Aditya Seth | | A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel.' The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay .'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
No not really, sir... 'They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Aug 28, 2008 7:35 pm | | New Lexus | # |
Aditya Seth | | Heres the New thing about the Latest Lexus that is doing
its rounds on the net posted by a beaming customer......
I bought a new Lexus 455lxs and returned to the dealer the
next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio
worked.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Watch this!', he said, 'Nelson'! The Radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!', he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind'
replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my
new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Ass
Holes!'
Immediately the Pakistani National Anthem began to play, sung by Asif
Zardari and Mian Sharif, backed up by Musharaff and The PPP Party, with
Imran Khan on guitar, Farzana Raja on drums, Shah Mahmood Qureshi on
harmonica, Judge Chowdhury on tambourine, George Bush on sax and Sherry
Rehman on scotch...!
Damn, I LOVE this car!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 01, 2008 10:20 am | | Chinese lesson (beginner's level) | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | | 1. Thats not right?
..Sum Ting Wong
2. See me ASAP?
..Kum Hia
3. Stupid Man
Dum Fuk
4. Did you go to the beach?
.Wai Yu So Tan
5. I bumped the coffee table
.Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
6. I think you need a face lift
Chin Tu Fat
7. Its very dark in here
..Wai So Dim
8. I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching
9. This is a tow away zone
..No Pah King
10. Our meeting is scheduled for next week
.Wai Yu Kum Nao
11. Staying out of sight
Lei Ying Lo
12. Hes cleaning his automobile
..Wa Shing Ka
13. Your body odour is offensive
Yu Stin Ki Pu
14. Great
..Fa Kin Su Pah
Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Sep 05, 2008 2:42 pm | | A very dead duck! | # |
Aditya Seth | | A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
'I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away'.
The distressed owner wailed, 'Are you sure?'
'Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead,' he replied.
'How can you be so sure,' she protested. 'I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything... he might just be in a coma or something.'
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on its hind legs, put its front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. It then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook its head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.' Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '£150!' she cried. '£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!'
The vet shrugged. 'I'm sorry, but if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up.' Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 08, 2008 5:46 pm | | Black Hurricanes | # |
Aditya Seth | | It appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be
pissed about. A black Republican congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of
hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names
that reflect African - American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha,
Shaqueal, and Jamal. She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast
in Language that street people can understand because one of the problems in
New Orleans is that regular folks couldn't understand the seriousness of the
situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I can hear it now: A weatherman in Houston says...
"Wazzup, mutha- fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like
Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo'
Ho, AN be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE
shit!"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 09, 2008 10:08 am | | Dealing With Death | # |
little prince | | Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
Private Reply to little prince | | Sep 09, 2008 12:22 pm | | WATCH WHERE U R GOING.... | # |
Aditya Seth | | A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
Out of breath he asked, 'Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a
few minutes. I'll explain WHY later.'
The nun agreed.
Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked,
'Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to
Iraq .'
The nun said, 'I think I can fully understand your fear.'
The soldier added, 'I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you
have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 10, 2008 5:01 am | | Frat Boys | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | | Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.
After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."
Magically, the ocean turns to beer.
Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Sep 10, 2008 10:01 am | | Cultural differences? | # |
Aditya Seth | | An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted.
When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates.
But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on. The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his private part.
The Chinese replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize."
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 11, 2008 11:48 am | | Escaped Midget! | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | | What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from jail?
A small medium at large!Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Sep 16, 2008 5:24 pm | | Jasti filter nahi karneka...kya! | # |
Aditya Seth | | In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students called Plato?
Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test".
"Triple filter?"
That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first Filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the Filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the Filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True, nor Good, nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
But it also explains why he never found out that Plato was sleeping with his wife.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 19, 2008 2:03 pm | | Drinking Politics | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | | A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."
The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"
"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."
"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"
"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.
"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.
So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."
"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Sep 22, 2008 8:44 am | | As u wish, so it happens........... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Appukuttan walks into a restaurant in Abu Dhabi with a
full-grown camel behind
him, and as he sits, the waiter comes over and asks for
their order.
Appukuttan says, 'Enike nalu barotaum oru motta
roast,' [ I want 4
porottas and 1 egg roast] and turns to the
camel, 'Ninnake endane
vendiye?' [what do you want?]' 'Ennikum adhu
thane,' [ I'll
have the same] says the camel demurely.
A short time later the waiter returns with the order.
'That will be 15
dhirams please,' and Appukuttan reaches into his pocket
and pulls out exact
change for payment.
The next day, Appukuttan and the camel come again and
Appukuttan says,
'Enike nalu barotaum oru motta roast''. 'Ennikum adhu
thane,' says the camel demurely. [ ditto]
Once again Appukuttan reaches into
his pocket and pays with the exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two
enter again. 'The
usual?' asks the waiter. 'Innu vyaiyaichai annu,
enniku 5 apppamum oru
kozhi stew,' [ today is Thursday so I'll have 5
appams and chicken stew]
says Appukuttan. 'Ennikum adhu thane,' [ same for
me ] says the camel
demurely.
A short time later the waiter comes with the order and
says, 'That will be
12.62 dirhams.' Once again Appukuttan pulls exact
change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.
The waiter can't hold back his curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me, saar.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
out of your pocket
every time?'
'Well,' says Appukuttan, 'several years ago I
was cleaning the
'thatumbarra' [attic] and I found an old
'vellake'[lamp] . When
I
rubbed it a Yakshi appeared and offered me two wishes. My
first wish was that
if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my
pocket, and the right
amount of money would always be there.'
'Oogran'! [ Great] says the waiter. 'Most
people would wish for a
million rupees or something, but you'll always be as
rich as you want for as
long as you live!'
'That's right! Whether it is a gallon of milk, a
benz car or a Rolls
Royce , the exact money is always there,' says
Appukuttan.
The waiter asks, 'One other thing, sir, Ningal endena
ee ottakathinem kondu
nadakunnathe?''[ why are you always accompanied by
this camel].
Appukuttan sighs and answers, 'My second wish was for a
tall female with
long legs, full lips, large eyes with long eyelashes who
agrees with everything
I say........'
There is always a catch when you get your prayers
answered!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Sep 24, 2008 5:46 pm | | Chad gayi rey. | # |
Aditya Seth | | One day Lord Shiva decided to visit the earth and try
some alcohol.
So he changed his get-up and went to a bar in Delhi
and asked the bartender: "What all do u have".
Bartender: "We have whisky, rum, vodka, gin, beer etc
etc."
Lord Shiva: "Let's try whisky first, give me 5 bottles
of whisky".
After having 5 bottles of whisky, Lord Shiva decided
to try Rum.
Bartender was shocked:"Who is this man, after having 5
bottles of whisky, he is still on his feet".
After having 5 bottles of Rum, Shiva decided to have
beer. After having 40 bottles of beer, he asked the
bartender for Gin.
Bartender couldn't stop himself asking him: "Sir, who
are you?? I ve seen people getting drunk after having
4 glasses of whisky, and you've almost had 50 bottles
and you are still on your feet, who are you"???
Lord Shiva: "VATS, Hum Bhagwaan Shiv hain".
Bartender: AB CHADHI ISKO!!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 03, 2008 6:30 am | | Cheers!!! | # |
Aditya Seth | | A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife, after death.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact,
'Judy .Judy!'
'Is that you, Steve?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
'That's wonderful! What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have Breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex
the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'
'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!'
'Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 03, 2008 11:25 am | | Wats your code !!! | # |
Suresh Ambiger | | There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting
for the offspring to arrive at his in-laws place. He was absolutely
positive that his wife was going to present him with a boy.
As his leave balance had gone into the red, he told his
father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up office and say that
I have become a father of a boy. Then I'll have to shell out a lot
for parties, etc. Just tell me that the clock has arrived. This will
be our code for the arrival of my son."
The offspring finally arrives one day, but it's a daughter. The
father-in-law now thinks, "If I tell him that the clock has not
arrived, he'll misunderstand that some thing has happened to the baby
and come rushing over." So he sends the message, "The clock has
arrived, but the pendulum is missing." Private Reply to Suresh Ambiger | | Oct 04, 2008 12:07 pm | | Smells... | # |
Aditya Seth | | John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sit there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a
word is spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation,
for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their
shaves, the one who had McCain in his chair reached for the after shave.
McCain was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Cindy will
smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'The second barber turned
to Obama and said, 'How about you?'Obama replied, 'Go ahead, Michelle
doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 04, 2008 2:41 pm | | TAX STRUCTURE IN INDIA
| # |
Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N | | What are you doing?
Ans.: Business.
Tax: PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!
2) Qus. : What are you doing in Business?
Ans.: Selling the Goods.
Tax: PAY SALES TAX!!
3) Qus. : From where are you getting Goods?
Ans.: From other State/Abroad
Tax: PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI!
Ans.: Profit.
Tax: PAY INCOME TAX!
5) Qus. : Where you Manufacturing the Goods?
Ans.: Factory.
Tax: PAY EXCISE DUTY!
6) Qus. : Do you have Office / Warehouse/ Factory?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!
7) Qus. : Do you have Staff?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!
8) Qus. : Doing business in Millions?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY TURNOVER TAX!
9) Qus. : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?
Ans.: Yes, for Salary.
Tax: PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!
10) Qus. : Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?
Ans.: Hotel
Tax: PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX!
11) Qus. : Are you going Out of Station for Business?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX!
12) Qus. : Have you taken or given any Service/s?
Ans.: Yes
Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX!
13) Qus. : How come you got such a Big Amount?
Ans.: Gift on birthday.
Tax: PAY GIFT TAX!
14) Qus. : Do you have any Wealth?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY WEALTH TAX!
15) Qus. : To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?
Ans.: Cinema or Resort.
Tax: PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX!
16) Qus. : Have you purchased House?
Ans.: Yes
Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE !
17) Qus. : How you Travel?
Ans.: Bus
Tax: PAY SURCHARGE!
18) Qus. : Any Additional Tax?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!!
19) Qus. : Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY INTEREST Private Reply to Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N | | Oct 07, 2008 9:29 am | | How to Ride a bike. | # |
Aditya Seth | | A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives when he realized that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he took the chief for a walk in the forest. He pointed to a tree and said to the chief, 'This is a tree.'
The chief looked at the tree and grunted, 'Tree.'
The Priest was pleased with the response.
They walked a little further and he pointed to a rock and said, 'this is a rock.'
Hearing this, the chief looked and grunted, 'Rock.
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he heard a rustling in the bushes.
As they peeked over the top, he saw a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest was really flustered and quickly responded, 'Man riding a bike.'
The chief looked at the couple briefly, pulled out his blowgun and killed them !
The Priest went ballistic and yelled at the chief that he had spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way ?
The chief replied, 'My bike.'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 08, 2008 7:06 pm | | WALKING EAGLE. | # |
Aditya Seth | | Invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last
weekend in Arizona, President Bush spoke for almost an hour of his future
plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living.
Though vague on the details of his plan, he appeared enthusiastic about his
ideas for helping his "red brothers."
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a
plaque inscribed with his new Indian name -- 'Walking Eagle'. As the
President departed waving to the crowd in his motorcade, a news reporter
asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name given to the
President. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so
full of shit it can no longer fly.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 09, 2008 1:25 am | | re: WALKING EAGLE. | # |
SOEB FATEHI | | please make this a sticky thread so that aditya and his fans do not have to search for it . . . Private Reply to SOEB FATEHI | | Oct 09, 2008 5:17 pm | | Enjoy. | # |
Aditya Seth | | Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Indian restaurant in
New York. Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith
born and raised in India?'
Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.' When the
waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?' The waiter
said, 'I doont by knowing, I ask cooksaheb..' He returned from the
kitchen in a few minutes and said, 'No ser, no Indian Jews.'
Al wasn't
really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?' The
waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners] gave the expected
answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.
While the
waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe
that there are no Jews in India, our people are scattered
everywhere.'
The waiter returned and said, 'Cooksaheb say there is no
Indian Jews.' 'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't
believe there are no Indian Jews!'
'Mudder choot ! ā Lissen, I asked
EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter. 'All we
have is Orange Jews, Apple Jews & Tomato Jews!'
Subject: Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it's apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Oct 10, 2008 8:25 am | | re: Enjoy. | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | | The Farmer's Daughters
--------------------------
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''''I''m Eddie, I''m here to pick up Betty. We''re going for spaghetti, is she ready?''''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''''I''m Joe, I''m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''''
"No." the farmer said.
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''''Hello, my name is Chuck....''''
The farmer shot Chuck.
The Ducks
----------------
Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''
Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Oct 11, 2008 5:48 am | | Enjoy. | # |
Gurooji (Ramesh Iyer) | | i really did not understand the farmer's daughters joke
please please explainPrivate Reply to Gurooji (Ramesh Iyer) | | Oct 11, 2008 8:54 am | | re: Enjoy. | # |
FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Guruji, you are stuck
Try some more of your luck
Private Reply to FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Oct 11, 2008 5:11 pm | | re: re: Enjoy. | # |
SOEB FATEHI | | gurooji you score a duck
so with you we have no truck
Private Reply to SOEB FATEHI | | Oct 11, 2008 5:37 pm | | re: re: re: Enjoy. | # |
Ingrid Webster | | Gurooji are you yet unstuck?
If not, you feathers I will pluck...
IngridPrivate Reply to Ingrid Webster | | Oct 14, 2008 7:00 am | | Enjoy. | # |
Gurooji (Ramesh Iyer) | | what the f**k
its still unstuck
Private Reply to Gurooji (Ramesh Iyer) | | Nov 03, 2008 3:33 pm | | ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE! | # |
Aditya Seth | | It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.........
'Clean my house.'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 05, 2008 12:50 pm | | Heart Attack. | # |
Aditya Seth | | A Hindu suffered a heart attack on the road and was picked up by an ambulance.
He kept repeating - Hari Om Hari Om Hari Om.
When the ambulance pulled into his home drive-way, his wife came out and
screamed out to the paramedics:
'Why didn't you take him straight to the hospital?',
they replied
'Because he kept saying hurry home! Hurry home!'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 07, 2008 10:56 am | | re: Heart Attack. | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | | Lalit, Ingrid & Soeb
Bards on the Fufa-web
Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Nov 07, 2008 11:27 am | | Heart Attack. | # |
Gurooji (Ramesh Iyer) | | fucksake, is it crime to ask, if i did not understand a joke
jab itni bakwas kar sakte ho toh itni maherbani kardete
joke explain hi kar detey
kuch nahi toh PM hi kardalo
Private Reply to Gurooji (Ramesh Iyer) | | Nov 07, 2008 11:35 am | | re: Heart Attack. | # |
FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Gurooji
You are close.
Keep trying.
Private Reply to FuFaji Lalit Vashishta | | Nov 07, 2008 12:23 pm | | Enjoy. | # |
Gurooji (Ramesh Iyer) | | hey lalit
is it somthing to do with rhyming, like
eddie-betty-spaghetti-ready
joe-flo-show-ready to go
because chuck was not rhyming, so farmer shot him
or am in wrong direction
bhaiya mai mand-bhuddi hoon bhai, jaldi samaj mei nahi aati hai
Private Reply to Gurooji (Ramesh Iyer) | | Nov 15, 2008 6:34 pm | | The Economy: A Summary. | # |
Aditya Seth | | Chacha Jaan kaise ho?? Masha allah aapke tho paanch jawaan bete hain...
Chacha: Ab kya batau...
Bada beta share broker hai...
Doosra beta Jet Airways me hai
Teesra to banking me
Chautha Software me hai
sabse chhota PAANWALA hai...
... Bus Wohi ghar chala raha hai...
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 18, 2008 2:42 pm | | Avoid Peanuts ! Atleast from Grand Pa and Granny ! | # |
Aditya Seth | | A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a
highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She
offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands
him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again .....he asks the little
old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 18, 2008 2:45 pm | | Voodoo P. | # |
Aditya Seth | | A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except ... the Voodoo Penis !'
The husband said 'The what' ?
The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo !'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door !'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said 'Voodoo Penis, return to box !' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me .'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right ... Voodoo Penis, my ass!'
The rest, as they say is... History!!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Nov 19, 2008 7:02 pm | | Certified Pilot . | # |
Aditya Seth | | A tourist walked into a pet store near the Naval Air Station in
Pensacola, FL and was looking at the animals on display. While he was
there, a CWO from that air base walked in and said to the shopkeeper
'I'll take a 933 monkey, please'.
The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store, and took
out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to
the Warrant Officer, saying, 'That'll be $2,000, please.' The man paid
and left with the monkey.
The surprised tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very
expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did
that one cost so much?'
The shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that's a 933 monkey. He can build pallets
of freight, plan aircraft loads, rig loads for airdrops, drive
forklifts, type manifests, heat meals for officers, and perform the
duties of any Traffic Tech with no back talk or complaints. It's well
worth the money'
The tourist then spotted a monkey in another cage. 'That one's even more
expensive! $10,000! What does it do?' he asked.
'Oh, that one' replied the shopkeeper. 'That's a Maintenance CPO monkey.
It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at
the unit, intermediate, and Depot level, and even do most of the
paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed.'
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a
cage. The price tag was $50,000. The shocked tourist exclaimed, 'This
one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can
it do?'
'Actually,' said the shopkeeper, 'I've never really seen him do anything
but drink beer and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a Pilot.'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 02, 2008 3:32 pm | | Tomato Story | # |
Aditya Seth | | A Jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.
'You are employed' he said.. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.
The man replied 'But I don't have a computer, neither an email'.
'I'm sorry', said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.'
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round.. In less than two hours,
he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times,
and returned home with $60.
The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.
Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US ...
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,'I don't have an email.'
The broker answered curiously, 'You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!' The man thought for a while and replied, 'Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!'
Moral of the story
Moral 1
Internet is not the solution to your life.
Moral 2
If you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
Moral 3
If you received this message by email,
you are closer to being a office boy/girl,than a millionaire...........
P.S - Do not forward this email back to me,
I am closing my email account & going to sell tomatoes!!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 06, 2008 11:04 am | | \ | # |
Rikky Gupta | | A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, 'When you feel like you're getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.'
That same day the man went to the store and bought a blank-firing starter's pistol. All excited to try the doctor's suggestion, he ran home to his wife. He found her at home, in bed, naked and waiting for him. As the two began sexual foreplay, they found themselves in the 69 position.. Moments later, the man felt the sudden urge to ejaculate, so he fired the starter pistol into the air.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, 'How did it go?'
The man answered, 'Not all that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shat on my face, bit three inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air.'
Private Reply to Rikky Gupta | | Dec 11, 2008 5:21 pm | | Cannon Balls !!!! | # |
Sudha Gomati Narayan | |
It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.
Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, "*cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey*".
Explains the origin of that phrase!!Private Reply to Sudha Gomati Narayan | | Dec 13, 2008 12:37 pm | | Sports Bar........... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Last night I walked into McDougal's sports bar around 10:00 P.M. and sat down next to a beautiful blonde at the bar,
and began staring up at the T.V. The 10:00 P.M. news had just started.
The news crew was covering a story of a man out on a ledge of a large building in Phoenix preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at me, batted her eyes, and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
I said, 'You know, I bet he will.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
I placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building,
ending with a perfect face-plant onto the sidewalk below.
The blonde was very upset at the sight, but willingly handed her $20 over to me, saying,
'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
I said, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5:00 P.M.
news so I knew he was going to jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
I just HAD to take her money....
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 19, 2008 3:06 pm | | Senor, your parrot is dead. | # |
Aditya Seth | | At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, SeƱor Rod?
This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, SeƱor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?'
'SĆ, SeƱor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, SeƱor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, SeƱor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, SeƱor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes, SeƱor Rod. He died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, SeƱor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?'
'The one at your house, SeƱor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?'
'Yes, SeƱor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, SeƱor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, SeƱor Rod, she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new
Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.'
SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . LONG SILENCE
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 21, 2008 9:54 am | | Marriage Counseling. | # |
Aditya Seth | | A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Dec 25, 2008 8:55 am | | Xmas eating tips! | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | | I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Dec 25, 2008 10:19 am | | Followed by the New Year! | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | | New Year Resolutions.
Britney Spears
"I resolve to make myself more news worthy for the New Year"
Victoria Beckham to her husband David
"Honey, I think my New Year resolution should be losing weight. I really need to lose that last hundred pounds."
David Beckham to his wife Victoria
"Go right ahead honey. That is an excellent resolution! What do you think of my resolution on becoming a great football player?"
Amy Winehouse
"I won't go to rehab, but I will take more drugs in 2008; watch me." ...... They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'
Donald Trump
"2008 will be the year I buy stock in spray on tans. I mean, it really is an awesome product that I just can't get enough of."
Joan Rivers
"I know I have had to many plastic surgeries, but for 2008, I think I should resolve to have at least two more facelifts; just to get a bit tighter."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Real quotations on New Year and all those resolutions.
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.
Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.
New Year's Day - Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. . - Mark Twain.
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. - Jay Leno
I do think New Year's resolutions can't technically be expected to begin on New Year's Day, don't you? Since, because it's an extension of New Year's Eve, smokers are already on a smoking roll and cannot be expected to stop abruptly on the stroke of midnight with so much nicotine in the system. Also dieting on New Year's Day isn't a good idea as you can't eat rationally but really need to be free to consume whatever is necessary, moment by moment, in order to ease your hangover. I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began generally on January the second. - Helen Fielding in Bridget Jones' Diary
Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Jan 03, 2009 6:58 pm | | Texas Midget. | # |
Aditya Seth | | The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.
The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aa ha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aaha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots!"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 15, 2009 7:19 pm | | The same ol' Garage Door!!! | # |
Aditya Seth | | The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 17, 2009 10:05 am | | Running stoned! | # |
Aditya Seth | | A little rabbit happily running through the forest stumbles
upon a giraffe rolling a marijuana cigarette. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing opium, so the
rabbit again says,"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot... The rabbit says "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at
him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers..... .....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"That little devil makes me run around the forest like
an idiot for hours every time he's high on cocaine!!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 21, 2009 7:07 pm | | Pakistan? | # |
Aditya Seth | | Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bar man, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?" The bar man says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says,
"Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!! !"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jan 22, 2009 1:42 pm | | The Best Disappearing Act | # |
Aditya Seth | | Three world famous magicians were in a bar drinking and boasting about their achievements.
The first one said, "During my last show, I made three women from the audience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives started
panicking and no one could find the trick."
The second one said, "Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open air shows I made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town was left searching for it."
The third one sighed and said," Both of you are so local, I went to Paris and made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on TV, all of France was searching for the building & no one had a clue".
Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenly turned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to
slip towards the door.
A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, "Hey! what happened? Who is that guy?"
One of the magicians whispered, " He is the World's greatest magician, he has done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mere
amateurs compared with what he has done. His name is Ramalinga Raju. He has made USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company's balance sheet in front of everyone's eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it!"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 01, 2009 4:36 pm | | And then the fight started ... | # |
Aditya Seth | | When and how the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
"My God!" says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night
than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
---------------------------------------------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
----------------------------------------------------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
"Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
--------------------------------------------------------------------
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
and then the fight started...
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 06, 2009 5:31 pm | | Top Management! | # |
Aditya Seth | | A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of
buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'
The waiter says, 'Sure chief, coming right up...'
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in
one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it
with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a
bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and
Says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'
The waiter says, 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?'
The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Me training for top management
position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot some crap, leave mess for others to
clean up, disappear for rest of day'.
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Feb 20, 2009 10:42 am | | re: Top Management! | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | | A man walks into a bar with a cheese sandwich under his arm. "A pint of Guinness for me and the cheese sandwich," he says to the barman.
"I'm sorry, sir," replies the barman, "we don't serve food in here."Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Feb 20, 2009 1:04 pm | | re: re: Some Cricket Jokes for Non-Maharashtrian Fufaites... | # | 
Maddy | | Guys, these are some jokes(and some real anecdotes) on cricket from a Marathi stand up comedian Shirish Kanekar's show "Maajhi Fatkebaaji". Am translating them to the best of my ability, and only those which I am remembering off-hand.
1) When two English players had gone to a Sydney publishing house for some work, Bradman had come there to submit one of his columns. As he turned to leave, one Englishman said to the other, "I see....so Don looks like this from behind..."
2) Once Lala Amarnath was summoned before a committee for allegedly giving bad words(abuses) to C.K.Naidu. On being asked, Lala Amarnath confessed. But his explanation was remarkable. "Yes", he said," I did give him bad words. But first CK gave bad words. CK is educated, so he abused me in English. I am not so highly educated. I abused him in Punjabi. Now...if the Punjabi abuses are more STRONGER than their English counterparts, is it my fault?"
3) Once an Australian batsman was playing on 96, when a funeral passed near the ground. The batsman removed his cap and waited with a bow till the funeral had passed, and then the next ball he hit a boundary and completed his century. Later, the wicket keeper remarked to him that it was a touching gesture on his part to show respect to a departed soul. "Oh that...", he said,"Yeah....after being married to her for the last 14 years, I think I owed that much to her."
4) When a new umpire had the audacity of giving W.G.Grace, the legendary Australian cricketer, out lbw on his first ball, Grace coolly told him,"Put down that finger. Do you see this huge crowd who has come here? They are not here to see your umpiring. They are here to see my batting."
5) Against a match with New Zealand, the umpire was just not ready to raise his finger to give any New Zealand batsmen out. Finally, when Prasanna bowled a batsman, he appealed with all his might. Surprised, the umpire pointed out,"Why are you appealing? He is clean bowled!" A frustrated Prasanna said,"I know that he is bowled. But is he out?"
6) Neville Cardus, the famed cricket specialist, writes about Bradman's last test appearance.
"As Don Bradman made his way to the wicket, a Yorkshireman standing at the gate just for him, lost all his cool and shouted,"Don, you bastard!" That was perhaps the biggest compliment given to Bradman, and talks volumes about the way his bat treated the English bowlers throughout his glorious career."
7) You can always differentiate two things from small details. For example, Gavaskar and Javed Miandad, both are cricketers. But after being caught lbw in front of the wicket, the one who leaves it immediately is Gavaskar; and the one who, when the ball hits his left leg, rubs his right shoulder, is Javed Miandad.
8) There are some players like Maninder Singh, who believe that the bat is a decorative thing on a cricket pitch. Maninder Singh it seems is actually told - "No matter whatever happens, do not stop the ball with the bat. The stumps are there to do that duty."
9) In his autobiography, Harold Larwood writes about his BODYLINE delivery and Bradman: "The harder he hit, the faster I bowled...and the faster I bowled, the harder he hit!"
10) When Bradman was out on the first day of a test in Lords, the news headlines said - "HE IS OUT! HE IS OUT!" There was no need to tell the Britons who that "he" was!
Cheers~
-Maddy. Private Reply to Maddy | | Feb 24, 2009 6:14 am | | re: re: re: Man's Sex Life | # |
Maddy | |
Man's Sex Life:
20 to 30 : Thrice Weekly.
30 to 40 : Tries Weekly.
40 to 50 : Tries Weakly.
Above 50 : Golf is best.Private Reply to Maddy | | Feb 24, 2009 6:52 am | | re: re: re: re: Man's Sex Life | # |
business only | | maddy its not true, it all depends on person to person, as of me i 37 yrs but but i do it twice daily and on sunday and hoildays it goes to approx 6 to 7 times, its not that i ejaculate fast i take the normal time, and i m doing this since i was married ie more than 12 yrs and i dont feel like quiting in future too, at times my wife doubts me that i take some medicine but i do it naturally.
Private Reply to business only | | Feb 24, 2009 9:26 am | | re: re: re: re: re: Man's Sex Life | # |
Basab Ghosh | | This is hilarious! Private Reply to Basab Ghosh | | Feb 24, 2009 9:49 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Man's Sex Life | # |
business only | | whts hilarous abt it yaar, y dont u see it practically Private Reply to business only | | Mar 05, 2009 6:58 pm | | Enjoy this... | # |
Aditya Seth | | An Arab family in N.Y. was considering putting their Grandfather in a Nursing Home. Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a Jewish home in Brooklyn .
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa .
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson .
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says Grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong Place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the Residents here," Grandpa says with a big smile .
"There's a Musician here, he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the Violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro' !"
"There is a Judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on The bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour' !"
"And there's a Physician here -- 90 years ! Old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor' !"
" And what about you Grandpa" - asks the grandson.
"And me...., I haven't had sex since your grandmother died 35 years ago and they still call me 'Fucking Arab'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | May 26, 2009 7:30 am | | What We Learn From the Hollywood Movies | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | | What We Learn From the Hollywood Movies
-- It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.
-- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-- If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-- Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-- After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.
-- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-- Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.
HI ALL ..............
Please contribute similar lines from the good old days of Bollywood films, when there was a formula, when there used to be a happy ending , and a Maa... and the hero used to be poorer yet nobler than the heroine's rich fiance.. Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Jun 03, 2009 3:59 pm | | Mexican dish.......... I am sure you wonāt try after reading it !!!!!!!!!! | # |
Aditya Seth | | A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull
fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There
is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.
If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 03, 2009 6:02 pm | | Childbirth at 65 | # |
Aditya Seth | | With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit..
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me...
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!' Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 05, 2009 8:02 am | | Ballerina. | # |
Aditya Seth | | A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!' Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 06, 2009 6:39 am | | re: Ballerina. | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | | Hi Aditya,
Great to see you back!
Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Jun 09, 2009 7:24 pm | | Andrew Symonds! | # |
Aditya Seth | | A prostitute, who was also a Cricket fan, had a tattoo of Brett Lee and Shane Warne on the
inside of her thighs.
She says to one of her regular customers, "If you can guess who they are, you get a free shag".
He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those ugly bastards are
but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 13, 2009 7:54 am | | Gravity-Defying Tequila | # |
Dipanwita Mullick | | A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"
The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."Private Reply to Dipanwita Mullick | | Jun 17, 2009 10:21 am | | Paddy. | # |
Aditya Seth | | Paddy was walking along the street in Dublin when he rounds a corner
and there's a high rise building on fire.
Paddy being the kind-hearted Irishman, runs up to the building to see
if he can help and notices people trapped 5 stories up.
Paddy yells to the people 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick', the
Irish Rugby Union fullback, if you jump I'll catch you.
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.
Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and jumps. Sure enough
Paddy catches him safely.
Then a black man jumps out and falls to the ground, Paddy didn't even
attempt to catch him. Paddy looked up and yelled.
"Don't throw out the ' fuckin" burnt ones
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 18, 2009 7:29 am | | Miracle baby... | # |
Aditya Seth | | A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant
and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth,
a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on
the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It is worth a try," he says.
So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the
operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth.
One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you.
I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother.The archbishop is your father."!!
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jun 21, 2009 10:26 am | | The hair dryer | # |
Aditya Seth | | Getting a hairdryer through customs...
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' 'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!' Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 10, 2009 4:27 pm | | English skills. | # |
Aditya Seth | | A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...
The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Obama, please say 'how r u'.
Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.'
It looks quite simple, but the truth is...
When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said 'who r u?' (Instead of 'How r u?'.)
Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha...'
Then Mori replied 'me too, ha-ha.. .'.
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room. Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 12, 2009 7:17 pm | | Friday nights... | # |
Aditya Seth | | Each Friday night after work, Bubbal Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs.
But, all of Bubbal's neighbors were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubbal, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubbal attended Mass... And as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, ''You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."
Bubbal's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubbal's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubbal, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted:
"Oye, you waz born a chicken and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken and you waz raised a lamb but now yara, you are a potato and tomato"
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 15, 2009 10:18 am | | ITALIAN STYLE | # |
Aditya Seth | | For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
child support until the child turned 18.
She
agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today'.
'Oh, really? Let me see...', he said. The wife gave it to him
and watched as her husband read the card, turned
white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without.
Send extra sauce.'
Private Reply to Aditya Seth | | Jul 22, 2009 7:16 am | | At the pearly gates... | # |
Aditya Seth | | On their way to get Married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident and died.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get Married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his foot onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a Priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?!"
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