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Apr 13, 2004 12:47 pm re: Intentions - Motive and Actions was: Time for a change
Sue

Hillary :) I have integrated my responses here at the @@@ signs. Bear with me I wanted to address each paragraph directly, as they were all very valid questions. As are all questions in my mind.

Just a little bit of my train of thought off of this - a little bit of a rant and a little bit of thinking out loud:

Although intention or motive often shows through I have also met a few people who use it as their defense for not paying attention to people's needs or wants or what would seem like an action to purposefully hurt them. Saying "but I meant well and that's all that matters" doesn't fix a problem that they created.

@@ These people are not willing to take responsibility for their actions. At this point and time, it becomes up to you to clarify for them just how important these wants and needs are to you. So basically the individual who brushed another off does not feel accountable for the their actions or how they have affected another person. They say, it is how "the other person" feels, as opposed to, Wow I'm sorry I didn't realize it had this affect on you, how can we work this through? One method to verbalize how you feel and open the lines of communication would be to say ... "are you saying" .. followed up with what you heard in your mind when the "I meant well statement comes out" ... this takes practice. What happens is you have to stop yourself at the precise moment you feel your emotions run high after you've been hurt ... and have a conversation with that person.

So I guess in a way that's more like true motive verses conscious or surface motive (what they are saying is "I meant well and care" and their actions are "I was doing something to boost my ego in the guise of caring about someone else without paying attention to that person actual needs or how my actions would actually affect things.")

@@@ What you have mentioned here above, happens all the time. Some of the time people do not truly recognize how hurtfull they have been. So they minimize the results of their actions. It is easier then confronting the issue straight on. It certainly depends on the situation and the people involved as well.

Hmmm... I wonder if anyone else has seem someone behave this way (I don't want to get into the exact details of events that lead me to this conclusion about different people on different occasions.)

@@ I believe when an individual gets hurt, and something like this specific issue comes up, when the emotions are minimized by the other party, usually the person who has felt badly, tends to question themselves and say .. well was it really that bad? Maybe I was too tough on the other person. They can internalize this themselves. Addressing issues as they come up can be difficult. I do see it all the time, here in posts as well as in real life situations. A lot of these things can be resolved calmly and so both people gain mutual understandings of one another. It takes practice. This type of skill does not happen over night. BUT! I assure you it can be done. When entering into a conversation with someone who refuses to accept responsibility for their actions? First .. you must start within your own heart. What am I trying to accomplish? How can I convey that? Am I will to listen to their side objectively and come to a mutual understanding? If you deal with an individual who you are consistently bangin your head off a wall talking to, well ... you may want to reconsider that persons presence in your life. Depending on the individual of course.

Maybe they don't want to admit to themselves let alone others what they're true goal is so they come at it in a wishy washy manner.

@@ There are many case by case answers I could give you here. Without specifics, I dare not tread here. :) Some use this as a tool of manipulation, while others are truly clueless as to their contribution to a problem. Sometimes, it's something under the surface that they are totally unaware of and they haven't faced themselves yet. The variables are endless. There are some, who may not be self aware, or having really thought about the underlying reason for their actions. When confronted by someone who they have offended as I have said above, the excuses and protection mode starts. Thereby minimizing the other persons feelings or thoughts. It does happen a lot. Fear does funny things to people. I see people on many occassions do something thoughtless without realising the consequences of their actions. Some will step up, some will not. Either way communication and self awareness can play a large part in these scenario's.

I hope I've shed a little light for you. :) This topic can go many directions I have tried to keep it, focused..and to the point.

> Hilary Baumann wrote: >

Sue Wrote:
>"Motive plays a big part in communication. One should always be very clear on what their motive is for writing or saying a particular thing. Don't you think?"

>

>------------------------------ >

>Just a little bit of my train of thought off of this - a little bit of a rant and a little bit of thinking out loud:
>Although intention or motive often shows through I have also met a few people who use it as their defense for not paying attention to people's needs or wants or what would seem like an action to purposefully hurt them. Saying "but I meant well and that's all that matters" doesn't fix a problem that they created. >

>So I guess in a way that's more like true motive verses conscious or surface motive (what they are saying is "I meant well and care" and their actions are "I was doing something to boost my ego in the guise of caring about someone else without paying attention to that person actual needs or how my actions would actually affect things.") >

>Hmmm... I wonder if anyone else has seem someone behave this way (I don't want to get into the exact details of events that lead me to this conclusion about different people on different occasions.) >

>Maybe they don't want to admit to themselves let alone others what they're true goal is so they come at it in a wishy washy manner. >

>Any thoughts? >

>--Hilary

Private Reply to Sue (new win)





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