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HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do tooViews: 4498
Sep 29, 2012 3:49 amHUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein


PRIUS JOKE
http://www.ryze.com/posttopic.php?topicid=1040256&confid=3620














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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Oct 01, 2012 12:31 pm HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein




Happy Monday
http://www.ryze.com/posttopic.php?topicid=1089043&confid=3620
Laugh a little.
Otherwise, it crawls back inside and spreads your hips or gut
Am I too late???
LOL







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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Oct 10, 2012 2:45 pmMIKE/HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein

Mike shared this with my exactly on my birthday 2010 Oct 28th.
Maybe we can see some updates at the bottom of this....
cheers!
cheers up!
best wishes,
Paul

---------------------------

1978-2010

1978: Long hair
2010: Longing for hair

1978: KEG
2010: EKG

1978: Acid rock
2010: Acid reflux

1978: Moving to California because it's cool
2010: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1978: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1978: Seeds and stems
2010: Roughage

1978: Hoping for a BMW
2010: Hoping for a BM

1978: Going to a new, hip joint
2010: Receiving a new hip joint

1978: Rolling Stones
2010: Kidney Stones

1978: Screw the system
2010: Upgrade the system

1978: Disco
2010: Costco

1978: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1978: Passing the drivers' test
2010: Passing the vision test

1978: Whatever
2010: Depends



Perhaps you or Mike can fill in the update below in time for Oct 28th 2012 (my bday) . LOL!

1978:
2011:


1978:
2012:






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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Oct 11, 2012 8:20 pmHUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein





some 1 liners:
http://www.ryze.com/posttopic.php?topicid=1039156&confid=3620

Have fun.
hope it lightens up someones day or relaxes and loosens ya up some, to break the ice and become friendlier and open minded a bit about forming friendships.


Cheers,
Paul


PS Reply here and paste your fav 1 liner....
LOL






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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Oct 12, 2012 3:05 amSIX AGAIN/HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Wonderland theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Oct 12, 2012 3:21 pmSIX AGAIN/HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Mike Fesler BizHarmony
Actual responses to this year’s GED exams taken by 16 year old's across the country. Only the best where listed here, but is so sad to think that in a few years these kids will be able to vote. Wow. . . . . be very, very afraid.
________________________________________

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head


Blessings,
Mike Fesler


Private Reply to Mike Fesler BizHarmony

Oct 12, 2012 4:54 pmre: SIX AGAIN/HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do#

Gillian Linge
Love it!

Stealing it LOL


Private Reply to Gillian Linge

Oct 12, 2012 10:04 pmHUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Parag Pattani
God said : I cannot be everywhere so I created Mother.
Devil said : I cannot be everywhere too, so I created the Mother-in-Law.


Private Reply to Parag Pattani

Oct 13, 2012 1:47 amre: HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Deborah DeGrande


"Service for your dog"

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer, "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."


Private Reply to Deborah DeGrande

Oct 13, 2012 2:50 amFROG/HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein



I like to add lots more animals, stretch the joke to 10 minutes...then say the punch line..
:)
get the audience psyched for the interaction and make it entertaining as possible..then lay the punch line and wait for their reaction....
funny abrupt disturbing ending either makes them laugh or hate you for the long delivery.
roflmao
Paul
======================

The Wide-Mouth Frog

There was a wide-mouth frog that lived not too far from here. One day he
decided to leave his pond and see the world.

He met a large, four-legged black and white animal with two horns, and
said (Open mouth very wide and say�) "Hello, I'm a wide-mouth frog, what
are you, and what do you eat?"

"I'm a cow, and I eat grass"

(Open mouth very wide and say) "Oh", said the wide-mouth frog, "is that
so."

The wide-mouthed frog then came to a huge bird with sharp talons and a
curved beak. (Open mouth very wide and say�) "Hello, I'm a wide-mouth
frog, what are you, and what do you eat?"

"I'm an eagle, and I eat little birds and mice"

(Open mouth very wide and say) "Oh", said the wide-mouth frog, "is that
so."

Next another large four-legged creature, standing on his hind legs, with
sharp claws. (Open mouth very wide and say�) "Hello, I'm a wide-mouth
frog, what are you, and what do you eat?"

"I'm a bear, and I eat honey"

(Open mouth very wide and say) "Oh", said the wide-mouth frog, "is that
so."

The wide-mouthed frog reached a river, and here was a long green slimy
creature with huge jaws. (Open mouth very wide and say�) "Hello, I'm a
wide-mouth frog, what are you, and what do you eat?"

"I'm an alligator and I eat wide-mouth frogs."

(Speak with mouth very slightly opened and say) "Oh", said the wide-
mouth frog, "is that so."

The wide-mouth frog hurried back to his pond and never left again.

The moral of this story is that there is no place like home!







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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Oct 13, 2012 2:05 pmFROG/HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein




re:
(Speak with mouth very slightly opened and say) "Oh", said the wide-
mouth frog, "is that so."


-------




or say this variation...

Oh, really?????
(with fish lips)






best wishes,
Paul
Remember, if you dont LET out your laugh, it crawls back inside YOU spreads your hips for a woman and gut for a guy.
Seriously. Just saying!!!
LOL









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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Oct 13, 2012 7:03 pm"Biting" Humor:.Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh becaus#

Gery DiMarco
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"


Private Reply to Gery DiMarco

Oct 24, 2012 1:34 amFERRARI/Humor:.Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh becaus#

Paul Finkelstein
FERRARI VS MOPED
(prob my fav joke)

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car And asks, ' What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'

The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars ! '

' That's a lot of money,' says the old man. ' Why does it cost so much?'

' Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' States the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside ?'

' No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window And looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
'That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped !'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show
the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster !

' What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped !

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old
man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again ! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, ' I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?'

The old man whispers, ' Can you unhook my SUSPENDERS from your side view mirror '

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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Oct 24, 2012 1:35 am57 years ago/Humor:.Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh becaus#

Paul Finkelstein
Mike Shared this in 2011 with CEObreaktime....
---------------------------------------------

That's only 57 years ago!
Comments made in the year 1955!

I'll tell you one thing, if things
keep going the way they are,
it's going to be impossible to
buy a weeks groceries for $10.00.

________________________________________
Have you seen the new cars
coming out next year? It won't
be long before $1, 000.00 will
only buy a used one.

________________________________________
If cigarettes keep going up in
price, I'm going to quit; 20 cents
a pack is ridiculous.

________________________________________
Did you hear the post office is
thinking about charging 7 cents
just to mail a letter.

________________________________________
If they raise the minimum wage
to $1.00, nobody will be able to
hire outside help at the store.

________________________________________
When I first started driving, who
would have thought gas would
someday cost 25 cents a gallon.
Guess we would be better off leaving
the car in the garage.

________________________________________
I'm afraid to send my kids to the
movies any more. Ever since they
let Clark Gable get by with saying
DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,
it seems every new movie has
either HELL or DAMN in it.

________________________________________
I read the other day where some
scientist thinks it's possible to put
a man on the moon by the end of
the century. They even have some
fellows they call astronauts
preparing for it down in Texas.

________________________________________
Did you see where some baseball
player just signed a contract for
$50,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn't surprise me if someday
they'll be making more than the
President.

________________________________________
I never thought I'd see the day
all our kitchen appliances would
be electric. They are even making
electric typewriters now.

________________________________________
It's too bad things are so tough
nowadays. I see where a few
married women are having to
work to make ends meet.

________________________________________
It won't be long before young
couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so
they can both work.

________________________________________
I'm afraid the Volkswagen car
is going to open the door to a
whole lot of foreign business.

________________________________________
Thank goodness I won't live to
see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes. I
sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to
government.

________________________________________
The drive-in restaurant is
convenient in nice weather,
but I seriously doubt they
will ever catch on.

________________________________________
There is no sense going on short
trips anymore for a weekend. It
costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay
in a hotel.

________________________________________
No one can afford to be sick
anymore. At $15.00 a day in
the hospital, it's too rich for
my blood.

________________________________________
If they think I'll pay 30 cents
for a hair cut, forget it.

Are you laughing?
or Crying?

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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Oct 24, 2012 1:37 amROMANCE a WOMAN/Humor:.Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh becaus#

Paul Finkelstein
How do you romance a woman?

Answer: "Wine her, dine her, call her, cuddle with her, surprise her, compliment her hair, shop with her, listen to her talk, buy flowers, hold her hand, write love letters, and be willing to go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

How do you romance a man?

Answer: "Arrive naked. Bring food."

Simple creatures we are.

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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Oct 26, 2012 11:22 amGRANDPARENTS/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein
Being a Grandparent

1. She was in the bathroom putting on her makeup under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye!' I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper goodbye.

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was and I told him, 62. He was quiet for a moment and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire. It hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied, "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

8. When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "Mine says I'm four to six."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl, "You just change "y' to "i' and add "es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote, "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently, "It means carrying a child."

12. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another, "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs,'"she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."


WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man; a grandmother is a lady! Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.' They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart. They answer questions like, "Why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?" When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over and over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bedtime, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-year-old was asked where his Grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough, to get as smart as him!


It's funny when they bend over. You hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Oct 31, 2012 10:44 amre: re: re: re: GRANDPARENTS/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh bec#

Gillian Linge
This is true.

My Grandaughter Kerri.

Nannie?

Yes babe.

I Love you so much, do you know why?

Why darling.

Mummy says you are a naughty Nannie!

Why does she say that?

Because you let me do things, I am not allowed to
do at home!
That is why I love you so much!

(Big Cuddle!)
Lol.


Private Reply to Gillian Linge

Nov 16, 2012 3:03 amFACEBOOK/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh#

Paul Finkelstein
12 TYPES OF PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK

Here its goes ,Too funny!

1) The "Rooster" – Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook "Good
Morning" every day.

2) The "Lurker" – Never posts or comments on your post, but reads
everything, and might make reference to your status if they...
see you in public.

3) The "Hyena" – Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and
LMAOs at everything.

4) "Mr/Ms Popular" – Has 4,367 friends for NO reason.

5) The "Gamer" – Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes
virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.

6) The "Cynic" – Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced
by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.

7) The "Collector" – Never posts anything either, but joins every
group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.

8) The "Promoter" – Always sends event invitations to things that
you ultimately delete or ignore.

9) The "Liker" – Never actually says anything, but always clicks the
"like" button.

10) "Drama Queen/ King" – This person always posts stuff like "I
can't believe this!", or "They gonna make me snap today!", in
the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong...but
then they never finish telling the story.

11) The "News" – Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary, and Lastly....

12) The "Thief" – Steals status updates... and will probably steal
this one..

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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Dec 26, 2012 3:07 amXmas one liners/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh#

Paul Finkelstein

What is special about the Christmas alphabet?

It has NO EL.



What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?

You get tinsel-itus!



Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

He likes to ho-ho-ho.



How does Santa Claus take photos?

With his North Pole-aroid.



What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.



Why are Christmas trees like people who can't knit?

They both drop their needles!



Which reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?

"Rude"olph!



What do you call a group of chess fanatics bragging about their

games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!



What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas?

Sandy Claus!



What do you call a reindeer wearing earmuffs?

Anything you want. He can't hear you!

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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Dec 26, 2012 3:08 amCEO/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh#

Paul Finkelstein
A successful business man was growing old and knew it was time to choose a successor to take over the business.



Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children, he decided to do something different. He called all the young executives in his company together.



He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I have decided to choose one of you. "The young executives were Shocked, but the boss continued. "I am going to give each one of you a SEED today - one very special SEED. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next CEO."



One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed. Every day, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.



Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew.



Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing.



By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn't have a plant and he felt like a failure..



Six months went by -- still nothing in Jim's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however, he just kept watering and fertilizing the soil - He so wanted the seed to grow



A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company brought their plants to the CEO for inspection.



Jim told his wife that he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But she asked him to be honest about what happened. Jim felt sick to his stomach, it was going to be the most embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife was right. He took his empty pot to the board room. When Jim arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They were beautiful -- in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor and many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!



When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives.



Jim just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants, trees and flowers you have grown," said the CEO. "Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!"



All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to the front. Jim was terrified. He thought, "The CEO knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me fired!"



When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his seed - Jim told him the story.



The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and then announced to the young executives, "Behold your next Chief Executive Officer!



His name is Jim!" Jim couldn't believe it. Jim couldn't even grow his seed.



"How could he be the new CEO?" the others said.



Then the CEO said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - it was not possible for them to grow.



All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new Chief Executive Officer!"



* If you plant honesty, you will reap trust



* If you plant goodness, you will reap friends



* If you plant humility, you will reap greatness



* If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment



* If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective



* If you plant hard work, you will reap success



* If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation



So, be careful what you plant now; it will determine what you will reap later.

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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Dec 26, 2012 3:16 amre: Xmas one liners/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh#

Miriam Slozberg
LOL these are funny! Great stuff in this thread!


Private Reply to Miriam Slozberg

Dec 26, 2012 3:16 amLove my job/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh#

Paul Finkelstein

Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy.



Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.



Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio

station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.



Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.



Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my "office" lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.



This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.



What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.



Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my wetsuit.



Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.



I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.



I had to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops (totaling thirty-five minutes) before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.



The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.



So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.



Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Jan 02, 2013 11:15 amre: Love my job/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh#

Deborah DeGrande

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!


Private Reply to Deborah DeGrande

Jan 02, 2013 3:40 pmSMART KID/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh#

Paul Finkelstein


LOL
smart kid Deb.
:)

Practice writing 2 0 1 3 yet?

P



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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Jan 04, 2013 2:44 pmfights/HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein

worth a chuckle or a laugh...
:)
P
PS if you dont laugh it crawls back inside your hips for women and gut for guys...
So dont forget to laugh every now and then...
-------------------------




One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

==================================================================

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

==================================================================

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to
phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

==================================================================

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started......

===================================================================

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

===================================================================

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

===================================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

====================================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend... I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My Goodness!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

====================================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my
car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

=====================================================================

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf ' Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came
out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.






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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Jan 12, 2013 3:19 pmPotato Garden/HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day#

Paul Finkelstein


An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son was very wise, used to help him, but was in prison for insider trading and stock fraud.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

"Dear Son:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you weren't in prison for stock fraud, all my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Papa"
A few days later the old man received a letter from his son.

"Dear Papa
For heaven's sake Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the money & stocks.
Love, Your Son."

At 4 am the next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden area without finding any money or stocks. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

"Dear Papa,
I'm sure by now the FBI has been there and dug up your garden. Go ahead and plant the potatoes. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Your Son."




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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Jan 25, 2013 2:46 pmgrandma/fishin/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lbs Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She is amazed that he can tell that, and bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.



LOL

remember, if you dont laugh, it crawls back inside your hips for women and gut for men.
have a great weekend!!



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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Jan 30, 2013 7:59 pmEXAM/HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein
HA interesting find on facebook...

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Mississippi. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends.

They had a great time, however, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Mississippi until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final.

The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.

"Cool ," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page. It said: (95 Points). Which tire?

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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Feb 01, 2013 5:43 pmre: The Kid is Mine#

T.E.A.M. Mom!
LOL that is too hysterical. Thanks!


Private Reply to T.E.A.M. Mom!

Feb 01, 2013 10:08 pmHUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Mike Fesler BizHarmony
Best Marriage Proposal Ever:

Please see:

http://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M
And we let these people (TSA) be our security??

Blessings,& happy Travels ;-)
Mike Fesler


Private Reply to Mike Fesler BizHarmony

Feb 03, 2013 9:54 amre: HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Gillian Linge
0.M.G,!!!

I do not know what to say!

L.M.A.O.!!


Private Reply to Gillian Linge

Feb 05, 2013 3:23 pmDesperate/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein



Bud Wilkinson, former coach of the Oklahoma Sooners, once was asked if he thought football was a positive influence on Americans to become physically fit. He responded:

"In football, you have 60,000 fans in the stands in desperate need of exercise, watching twenty-two players on the field in desperate need of rest."

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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Feb 05, 2013 3:29 pmMELT/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

Metal,

Wood,

Stone,

Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.



But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.



She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?


M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.




What were you thinking??

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Feb 05, 2013 3:35 pmUGLY/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."

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Feb 10, 2013 1:58 pmturn around/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein

A SKINNY LITTLE GUY GOES INTO AN ELEVATOR, LOOKS UP AND SEES THIS HUGE GUY STANDING NEXT TO HIM.

The big guy sees the little guy starin' at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him.

The big guy says, “What's wrong with ya?”

In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did ya say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give ya the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”

THE SMALL GUY SAYS, “TURNER BROWN?! SWEET JESUS, I THOUGHT YA SAID, 'TURN AROUND!"




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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Feb 10, 2013 1:59 pmabc/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein
Alphabets are so intelligently arranged...

"A"lways "B"e "C"ool

"D"on't have "E"go with "F"riends

"G"iveup "H"urting "I"ncidences

"J"ust "K"eep "L"oving "M"ankind

"N"ever "O"mit "P"rayers

"Q"uietly "R"emember God

"S"peak the "T"ruth

"U"se "V"alid "W"ords

"X"press "Y"our "Z"eal.



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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Mar 12, 2013 1:50 amPunography#

Paul Finkelstein
 photo 482802_278727812259029_1252759438_n_zpsd38cff85.jpg
click on the JPG graphic to thank Parag for sharing these
jokes. Funnee!!




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Apr 04, 2013 12:59 pmDOGS txt too/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein

If you have no idea what your dog is saying when texting or social networking then here is a guide for you:

BOL: Barking Out Loud
FLD: For the love of Dog
FOBL: Falling off my bed laughing
HAW: humans are watching
IMFO: In my furry opinion
LMTO: Laughing my tail off
LSDL: Let sleeping dogs lie
MBDT: Must be dinner time
OMD: Oh my dog
OMDT: Over my dead toy
ROFB: Rolling on the floor barking
ROFLMTO: Rolling on the floor laughing my tail off
TTP: Talk to the paw

from the intertubes

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Apr 04, 2013 2:12 pmre: DOGS txt too/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do to#

Gillian Linge
LOL sharing this one!


Private Reply to Gillian Linge

Apr 04, 2013 8:34 pmFlorida drivers/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible
out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored
it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little
gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew
down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear
view mirror, he saw a Florida State trooper behind him,
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100
mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I
doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette,
looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30
minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper.
I thought you were bringing her back.
 photo cops_zps3e247c33.jpg

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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

May 13, 2013 3:09 pmthe cookie/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do#

Paul Finkelstein


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crummy!
LOL



Gotcha!





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May 13, 2013 8:22 pmre: the cookie/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do#

Brenda Burgans
Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know but if you find out let me know.


Private Reply to Brenda Burgans

Jun 10, 2013 6:26 pmaging/LOL/a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do#

Paul Finkelstein


many can't laugh at this or themselves.
Well, I say, if you dont laugh, it crawls back inside and will spread your hips ladies and gut men.
Am I toooo late???
LOL

Old Age Alphabet

A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains - perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show...
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus - there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary... big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry - NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found;
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms,
my body's deployed,
and I am keeping twenty-six
doctors fully employed!

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Jul 09, 2013 3:25 pmHUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein

LOL or not? My wife does say to me a lot I have to be willing to laugh at myself and it's good for me.
some have more to laugh at. of course if you do NOT laugh it does crawl into your gut for men and hips for women AM I tooo late? LOL!
:)
P
============================

Must read.... I borrowed this from a friends post..

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...

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Jul 27, 2013 6:21 pmSenior time management in Florida (hilarious-but too close to the truth)#

Paul Finkelstein






Senior time management in Florida (hilarious-but too close to the truth)



Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on
Florida's southeast coast. We are living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf,
Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-hachee. There are 3000 lakes in
Florida; only three are real.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do
all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days
will be eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of your car
takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes. It takes
1/2 hour on the check-out line in Wal-Mart and 1 hour to return the item the
next day.

Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick
breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about
30 of us, and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once.
Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM.
After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go
back home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the pool for her under water Pilates class,
followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my
Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals
and go to the club house lobby for a nice nap.

Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the
many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a
filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the
flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex
watch for $2.00.

We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining
up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 because we're
late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they
serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner,
including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and
Sweet-and-Low along with mints.

At 5:30 we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 we're fast
asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the
night and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.

Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy
reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I
don't mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at
least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then
there's the hold time until you're connected to the right party. Sometimes
they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a
rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest
concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am
a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80..' I coach their
basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from
the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they
make a slam dunk.

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we call
them because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many
foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember
where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while
their food defrosts.

Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name.
Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world traveler,
uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live. Murray's
Condos or the Lakes Of Venice? There's no difference. They're both owned by
Murray who happens to be a cheap bastard.

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of
any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in
The Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.



Remember if you can't laugh at yourself or schtufff it crawls back inside YOU and spreads your hips for a lady and gut for a guy. Just saying. Are we too late?





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Aug 22, 2013 4:38 pmha/HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein


http://www.facebook.com/notes/fans-of-paul-steven-finkelstein/south-african-airlines-sent-to-me-from-friend-in-email-unsure-if-true-but-hilari/10151792399654604






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Aug 26, 2013 3:25 pmVoicemail/HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein


http://youtu.be/TN8YQVM1GQI Humor for the week voicemail about guy describing accident





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Aug 27, 2013 2:17 pmeducation/HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein



http://www.facebook.com/notes/rp-networkers/smile-it-gives-your-face-something-to-do-just-saying-seriously-read-more/666202766742864
smile it gives your face something to do




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Aug 28, 2013 3:03 pmHurricane/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein


on the lighter side
Hilarious new hurricane naming system :)
http://www.upworthy.com/this-is-probably-the-funniest-most-effective-way-to-deal-with-people-who-ignore-science-facts-ever-2?c=la1






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Aug 31, 2013 3:07 pmwheat thins/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein


http://youtu.be/HRtLkNyfUCg
i'm outta wheat thins my life is officially over
from a tweet


lol


that IS a lot of wheat thins




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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Dec 14, 2013 6:38 pmR u joking?????/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein



http://www.facebook.com/CEObreaktime
ha ha ha

Join us here too!

best wishes for the new year 2014,
Paul & Sara
LOL




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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Feb 13, 2014 1:20 pmHUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein


Why were ancient Egyptian children confused? Because their daddies were mummies.

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Feb 13, 2014 1:21 pmUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein


Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken.

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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Feb 19, 2014 6:10 pmSnow/HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein

Thx Nance for emailing this.
LOL
P
-------------------------------

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Antartian got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard; she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snowplow went by and she started to follow it. As she follows the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Dec 11, 2015 3:51 pm/HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein


Why doesn't TARZAN have a beard??????




Brief intro about my biz http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0qEEzHmacs
http://www.GrandBusinessGroup.com Future GBG Toastmasters group
SOUTH FLORIDA and Your city too
Contact me 866-443-0873 IF you are interested....


Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Dec 11, 2015 3:52 pmHUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein



What came before SLICED BREAD?????




Brief intro about my biz http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0qEEzHmacs
http://www.GrandBusinessGroup.com Future GBG Toastmasters group
SOUTH FLORIDA and Your city too
Contact me 866-443-0873 IF you are interested....


Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Dec 21, 2015 12:33 pmre: perspective#

Paul Finkelstein

http://www.facebook.com/youcandreambigeveryday/posts/10153148465370764 Bad day at work? P e r s p e c ti v e

Brief intro about my biz http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0qEEzHmacs
http://www.GrandBusinessGroup.com Future GBG Toastmasters group
SOUTH FLORIDA and Your city too
Contact me 866-443-0873 IF you are interested....


Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Feb 19, 2016 9:22 pmre: HUMOR/Keep one take one!!!! LOL!!!#

Paul Finkelstein

get older doesnt have to suck....pardon my french...and why do we say french...lol hahaha http://lnkd.in/bGDHK_w


ha ha ha !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Brief intro about my biz http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0qEEzHmacs
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SOUTH FLORIDA and Your city too
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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Apr 24, 2016 3:24 pmre: HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein


Luv the one liners President Ron had on index cards what a great trick to throw humor into a speech đź‘Ťđź‘Ťđź‘Ť
http://youtu.be/HA7sP47e8tA one liners
Try it in our club when you practice your speeches at http://www.westbocatoastmasters.org weekly meetings make the commitment to practice like you go to a gym
Attend weekly guaranteed to improve!!

Your meetup hosts
Paul & Sara Finkelstein
http://www.delrayphotogs.com
http://www.grandbusinessgroup.com

Brief intro about my biz http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0qEEzHmacs
http://www.GrandBusinessGroup.com Let's connect here at GBG online
SOUTH FLORIDA and Your city too
Contact me 866-443-0873 about Toastmasters OR GBG


Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Jul 11, 2016 2:40 pmre: HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein


Have something funny to add here?

Have some mental candy?

P

Give a lol

Take a lol




Brief intro about my biz http://www.dontWasteAnotherSecond.com
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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Jul 12, 2016 3:23 pmre: HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein

http://www.ryze.com/posttopic.php?topicid=1095806&confid=3683
heli yoke

thx John

P


Brief intro about my biz http://www.dontWasteAnotherSecond.com
http://www.GrandBusinessGroup.com <--Let's connect here
Contact me 866-443-0873 about Toastmasters http://www.WellSpokenBocan.com


Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

May 29, 2017 10:27 amre: re: HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein

Need a laugh ?

Take a laugh

Post a laugh today

P


Brief intro about my biz http://www.dontWasteAnotherSecond.com
http://www.GrandBusinessGroup.com <--Let's connect here
Contact me 866-443-0873 about Toastmasters http://www.WellSpokenBocan.com


Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Jun 06, 2017 1:02 pmre: HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein


12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

Brief intro about my biz http://www.dontWasteAnotherSecond.com
http://www.GrandBusinessGroup.com <--Let's connect here
Contact me 866-443-0873 about Toastmasters http://www.WellSpokenBocan.com


Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Jul 03, 2017 8:48 pm HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do too#

Paul Finkelstein


Happy 4th
Enjoy some mental candy
P



Brief intro about my biz http://www.dontWasteAnotherSecond.com
http://www.GrandBusinessGroup.com <--Let's connect here
Contact me 866-443-0873 about Toastmasters http://www.WellSpokenBocan.com


Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Sep 13, 2017 2:05 pmre: SIX AGAIN/HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do#

Paul Finkelstein

Did you take a joke today?

Give back

Add to the fun karma

Put a new fun joke back

Give the gift of laughter

Lol

Ty

The management
So serious right

Best
Paul
http://paulfinkelstein.com


Brief intro about my biz http://www.dontWasteAnotherSecond.com
http://www.GrandBusinessGroup.com <--Let's connect here
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Private Reply to Paul Finkelstein

Nov 14, 2017 8:16 pmSIX AGAIN/HUMOR/Always a place to add some joke of the day/I hope you like to laugh because I do#

Paul Finkelstein


What?

You like to laugh too?

Toastmasters has a HUMOROUS contest every year!

All the Districts, Divisions and Areas in 142 countries compete.

The humorous contest is in the FALL....

Join a club. Find your local club here:

http://Toastmasters.org
Land based clubs

Or join our online club here: http://www.CompetitiveCommunicators.com
Where you compete with yourself!
Public speaking is a muscle. Use it or lost it.
If you go to the gym once a week or 3 -4 times a week, then that's how much you should practice in a Toastmasters safe setttings to speak.

Cheers!


Brief intro about my biz http://www.dontWasteAnotherSecond.com
http://www.GrandBusinessGroup.com <--Let's connect here
Contact me 866-443-0873 about Toastmasters http://www.WellSpokenBocan.com


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Testing Gets Real: blog on A/B testing, building businesses with feedback loops, by Adrian Scott

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