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Chennai Network Previous Topic | Next Topic | Topics The Chennai Network Network is not currently active and cannot accept new posts Jokes Views: 9107 Jul 29, 2008 8:40 am Jokes # Surendran J Dear Ryzers, Kindly use this thread for jokes Girlfriend: Are you sure you love me and no one else? Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday ********* Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? Customer: What other colors do you have? ********* Manager: Sorry, but i can't give u a job. I don't need much help. Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!! ********* Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday? Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it. ********* Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager! Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either. ********* Diner: You'll drive me to my grave! Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you? ********* Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me. Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me! ********* Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden! Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it. ********* Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything! Son: That's why I say she's no good! Private Reply to Surendran J Jul 29, 2008 9:16 am re: Jokes # Lavanya Karalkar Princi !!!!!!!! you too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Private Reply to Lavanya Karalkar Jul 29, 2008 9:24 am re: re: Jokes # Punitha Thangarajan its too good..... Son: when my school reopens mom(with curiosity to meet his friends)? mom: Second July? Son: why not this July? Private Reply to Punitha Thangarajan Jul 29, 2008 11:04 am re: re: re: Jokes # Lavanya Karalkar Q - In a pond there are 10 fish, one of them dies, and the water levelofthe pond increases. How? Think...........try it Yes you can................ No??? Cmon.. Can't answer.......... Wait till I tell you.. Private Reply to Lavanya Karalkar Jul 29, 2008 11:17 am re: re: re: re: Jokes # J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c other 9 were crying and crying (tears rrrrrrrrrooooooooollllllliiiiiiiiing ) Private Reply to J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c Jul 29, 2008 11:21 am re: re: re: re: re: Jokes # J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c enna thaan suriyana bhumi suthi suthi vanthaalum Bhumikku Suriyan Pick-up aagathu... --------NASAvil velai vaanga thudipor sangam Power failurekkum Love failurekkum enna difference Power failure aanaa, vidu eruttagum, Lover failure aanaa, vazhkai valichamaagum... Bramacharigal sangam Princi : yaenda late? student : bike puncture sir.. Princi : busla varathuthaanae.. Student : Bus vaanga vasathi illa sir... Private Reply to J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c Jul 29, 2008 12:14 pm re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes # Punitha Thangarajan Teacher : U failure ! @ ur age Bill gates stood first in the class Student : Mind u, Sir, but @ ur age hitler commited suicide Private Reply to Punitha Thangarajan Jul 29, 2008 12:19 pm re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes # Punitha Thangarajan > This theory will win the Physics Nobel Prize in 2008! > > Equation 1 > > Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy > Donkey = eat + sleep > > Therefore, > Human = Donkey + work + enjoy > > Therefore, > Human - enjoy = Donkey + work > > In other words, > Human that don't know how to enjoy = Donkey that work > > ============ ========= ========= ========= ========= === > > Equation 2 > > Men = eat + sleep + earn money > Donkeys = eat + sleep > > Therefore, > Men = Donkeys + earn money > > Therefore, > Men - earn money = Donkeys > > In other words, > Men that don't earn money = Donkeys > > ============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==== > > Equation 3 > > Women = eat + sleep + spend > Donkeys = eat + sleep > > Therefore, > Women = Donkeys + spend > > Therefore, > Women - spend = Donkeys > > In other words, > Women that don't spend = Donkeys > > ============ ========= ========= ========= ========= > ===== > > To Conclude: > > From Equation 2 and Equation 3 > Men that don't earn money = Women that don't > spend. > > > So, Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! > (Postulate 1) > > And, Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! > (Postulate 2) > > So, we have? > Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend > money > > Therefore from Postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude, > Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together! Private Reply to Punitha Thangarajan Jul 29, 2008 2:16 pm re: re: Jokes # J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee." DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it." MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now." DOCTOR: "No, you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung." MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree."' DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting." MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts." DOCTOR : "Ok.Which one?" MAN (innocently) : "How would I know? All bees look the same to me." Doctor :??????!!!!!!!! Private Reply to J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c Jul 30, 2008 3:29 am re: re: re: Jokes # vasanth vasu One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, 'Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?' GOD replied,'Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create.' So Adam says, 'When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?' 'I did that, Adam, so that you could love her.' 'Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?' 'I did that Adam so that you could love her.' 'Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?' 'Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you.' Private Reply to vasanth vasu Jul 30, 2008 3:35 am re: re: re: Jokes # vasanth vasu A man, called to testify at the IRS asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. "Wear a heavy, long, flannel night-gown that goes right up to your neck." But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. "Wear your most sexy underwear." The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear my son, you're going to get screwed." Private Reply to vasanth vasu Jul 30, 2008 3:38 am re: re: re: re: Jokes # vasanth vasu A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed at his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck." Private Reply to vasanth vasu Jul 30, 2008 1:05 pm re: Jokes # J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of an ugly man? ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! A tattoo. ----------------------- Monk : In the monastery we go years with no verbal communication we call it 'A Vow of Silence' Man : I have the same experience, We call It Marriage ----------------------- Private Reply to J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c Jul 30, 2008 1:22 pm re: re: Jokes # Punitha Thangarajan funny poem from husband to wife: -------------------------------- I wrote your name on sand it got washed. I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. then I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart Attack. ****** God saw me hungry, he created pizza . He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi . He saw me in dark, he created light . He saw me without problems, he created YOU. ****** Twinkle Twinkle little star You should know what you are And once you know what you are Mental hospital is not so far. ****** The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn't it rain on you? ****** Roses are red, Violets are blue monkeys like u should be kept in zoo. Don't feel so angry you will find me there too not in cage but laughing at you. Private Reply to Punitha Thangarajan Jul 30, 2008 6:04 pm re: re: re: Jokes # Ravi Padmanabhan (padmania@gmail.com) The reception area of the doctor's office was filled to capacity, but the doctor was working at his usual snail's pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly stood up and headed for the door. When everyone stopped talking to look at him, he announced, I guess I'll just go home and die a natural death. .-------------------------------------- An elderly gent was invited to his old friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names. The old man hung his head. I have to tell you the truth, he said. I forgot her name about ten years ago. Private Reply to Ravi Padmanabhan (padmania@gmail.com) Jul 31, 2008 2:54 am re: re: re: re: Jokes # vasanth vasu Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here." Private Reply to vasanth vasu Jul 31, 2008 2:56 am re: re: re: re: re: Jokes # vasanth vasu My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead." "How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing." Private Reply to vasanth vasu Jul 31, 2008 3:17 pm Jokes # s venkatesan One Kashmiri = carpet salesman. Two Kashmiris = carpet factory. Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit. Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order. Tamil-Brahmin One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple. Two Tam-Brahms = Maths tuition class. Three Tam-Brahms = Queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m. Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara Mallu One Mallu = coconut stall. Two Mallus = a boat race. Three Mallus = Gulf job racket. Four Mallus = oil slick. UP Bhaiyya One UP bhaiyya = a milkman. Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop. Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly. Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad. Gujju One Gujju = share-broker in a Bombay train. Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train. Three Gujjus = Bombay 's noisiest restaurant. Four Gujjus = stock market scam. Andhraite One Andhraite = chili farmer. Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey .. Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit. Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie. Mumbaikar One Mumbaikar = footpath vada-pav stall. Two Mumbaikars= film studio. Three Mumbaikars = slum. Four Mumbaikars = The number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour. Sindhi One Sindhi = currency racket. Two Sindhis = papad factory. Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar ... Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association. . Marwari One Marwari = The neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator. Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta Three Marwaris = Finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis. Four Marwaris = Threaten the Jews as a community. Haryanvi One Haryanavi = tube light. Two Haryanavis = agriculture. Three Haryannavis = Lathi squad. Four Haryanavis = actually just one was enough. Last but the best Kannadiga One kannadiga = devegowda Two kannadigas = devegowda with his son Kumarswamy Three kannadigas = rivals of devegowda family Four Kannadigas = total no of kannadigas in bengaluru Bihari One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav . Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad. Three Biharis = train capture. Four Biharis = caste riots Five Biharis = entire literate population of Patna ... Bengali One Bengali = poet. Two Bengalis = a film society. Three Bengalis = political party. Four Bengalis = two political parties. More than four Bengalis = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli into Team. Punjabi One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky. Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky. Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one Private Reply to s venkatesan Jul 31, 2008 6:08 pm re: Jokes # Ravi Padmanabhan (padmania@gmail.com) nice one Private Reply to Ravi Padmanabhan (padmania@gmail.com) Aug 01, 2008 3:38 am re: re: Jokes / Riddles/ Q n A # Kanchana Ravichandran Got this forward and am sure u all will enjoy it as much as I did.... School:A place where Papa pays and Son plays. Life Insurance:A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich. Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" Conference:The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. Compromise:The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. Dictionary:A place where success comes before work. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. Father:A banker provided by nature. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. Politician:One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after. Doctor:A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills. Classic:Books, which people praise, but do not read. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. Office:A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. Committee:Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. Experience:The name men give to their mistakes. Atom Bomb:An invention to end all inventions. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death Private Reply to Kanchana Ravichandran Aug 01, 2008 5:56 am re: re: re: re: Jokes # Punitha Thangarajan ----- Original Message ----- From: Prathap To: Mass ; preeths ; yemmy ; sushma ; anu ; shirley ; gopi m ; umesh ; abubaker siddiqh ; edwin ; sreejith ; shruthi s ; shibzzz ; Poornima ; paul ; naresh@theroninternational.com ; lakshmi ; hema ; baba ; anita ; niharika Sent: Wednesday, August 29, 2007 10:35 AM Subject: Indian Wife Old one: ========== Construction Workers Lunch Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Chinese opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Indian opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death. That weekend at the funeral, the italian and the chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me." And as the two wives stare at the Indian wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, indian wife replys "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch." Private Reply to Punitha Thangarajan Aug 01, 2008 9:00 am re:Jokes # J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?" Wife: "I couldn't lift the table." ****** "What did one ghost say to another?" "Do you believe in people?" ****** My friend has a fine watch dog. At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark. ****** They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak. ****** "Room Service? Can you send up a towel?" "Please wait someone else is using it." ****** When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance. ****** "Where did you get those big eyes?" "They came with the face." ****** Private Reply to J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c Aug 01, 2008 9:30 am re: re:Jokes # Sekar Narasimhamurthy Emerging 'isms' of the new economy INFOSYSism You have a 1000 poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, & send them one at a time to the US for milking. WIPROism GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk. SATYAMism You have a cow. You have its milk. But don't know what to do with it! DELLism Intel has a Goat. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both & sell it as Cow's milk. IBMism You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to innocent small businessmen. MICROSOFTism You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows. SUNism You have a bull. It doesn't give milk. You hate Microsoft. ORACLEism You have a cow. You don't know which side to milk, so you sell tools to help milk cows. SAPism You don't have a cow You sell milking solutions for cows implemented by milking consultants. SONYism You have a cow. You spend $50 mn to develop the world's thinnest milk. CITIBANKism Welcome to Citibank. If you have a cow, press 1. If you have a bull, press 2...stay on line if you'd like our customer care to milk it for you HPism You don't know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions through authorised resellers only. GEism You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone finds out, that's his imagination at work. RELIANCEism You don't yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501, because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk. TATAism You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow. Private Reply to Sekar Narasimhamurthy Aug 01, 2008 1:42 pm re: re: re:Jokes Sardar Unplugged # vasanth vasu Guys some might be old -Yet for those who have not come across do njoy A Sardar goes into a store and sees a shining object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask." The Sardar then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds,"It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold." The Sardar says, "I'll take it!" The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His Sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?" He said, "It's a thermos flask." The boss then says, "What does it do?" He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?" The Sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke. The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. I'm 2400 kms from home. The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. I'm 2400 kms from home. Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." " Oh Dear! " the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ..what happened to your other ear?" "The scoundrel called back." After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were returning to Punjab in Tamil Nadu Express. Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train.When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of ice-cream to which Santa readily agreed. When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth. Outraged, Santa Singh called the TTE and asked him to help. TTE requested that he could not understand Hindi/ Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English. Santa Singh explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving berth to my child." Sardar, a Japanese, and a British were lost in the desert. They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down, because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey. The Japanese took the radiator, the British took the seat, and the Sardar took the door. After a while of walking the British asked the Japanese "I'm confused, why did you bring the radiator?" The Japanese responded, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the fluid." Next the Sardar asked the British "Why did you bring the seat?" So the British said "If I get tired,I am not going to sit on the sand. I can sit on this comfortable seat." Finally the Japanese asked the Sardar why he had chosen the door. The Sardar quickly responded to this question, "Well, when it gets hot all I have to do is roll down the window." Private Reply to vasanth vasu Aug 01, 2008 3:36 pm re: re: re: re:Jokes Sardar Unplugged # sujatha suresh Ha...Ha..ha I laugh for everyone.... Venkatesan can you come up for One Ryze CNk = Two Ryze CNK = Three Ryze CNK= Four Ryze CNK = Looking forward to innovative answers... SS Private Reply to sujatha suresh Aug 03, 2008 3:28 am re: re: re: re: re:Wonderful article on Sardars # vasanth vasu My friend, told me the following incident which I wish to share with you. It has had a deep impact on my thinking. In the diwali vacation, my Pal and his couple of friends had gone to Delhi . They rented a taxi for local sight-seeing. The driver was an old Sardar, and boys being boys, Jayant and his pals began cracking Sardarji jokes, just to insinuate the old man. But to their surprise, the fellow remained unperturbed. At the end of the sight-seeing, they paid up the hire-charges. The Sardar returned the change. Moreover, he gave each one of them one rupee extra and said, (in Hindi, of course), Son, since morning you have been telling Sardarji jokes. I listened to them all and let me tell you, some of them were in a very bad taste. Still, I don't mind coz I know that you are young blood and are yet to see the world. But I have just one request. Here I am giving you one rupee each. Give it to the first Sardar beggar that you come across in this city." That one rupee coin is still with my friend. he couldn't find a single Sardar begging on the streets of Delhi ." Friends, we all love sardar jokes. But the fact of matter is that Sikhs are one of the most prosperous and diversified communities in the world. The secret behind their universal success, according to me, is their willingness to do any job with utmost dedication. A Sardar will drive a truck or set up a roadside garage or a dhaba, but he will never beg on the streets. LET’S NOT FORGET THE FACT THAT, THERE ARE 1000S OF SARDARS SAFE GUARDING OUR NATION IN THE BORDER, BY SACRIFICING THEIR PERSONAL LIFE, IF NOT SALUTING THEIR ACTS, LETS NOT MAKE FUN OF THEM. Private Reply to vasanth vasu Aug 03, 2008 3:40 am re: re: re: re: re: re:Wonderful article on Sardars # Uma Krishnan very well said vasanth ! we do get upset when we hear a "madarasi" joke or annecdote but still go on sardar jokes ! jokes are meant to be entertaining and ease out ones stress / tension but not at the cost of anybody. Private Reply to Uma Krishnan Aug 03, 2008 4:45 am :Wonderful article on Sardars + HFD # sujatha suresh Wonderful to read such an Inspiring Article! ... I would like to share this aspect of my research through History for My Trainees in understanding social situations before passing comments /judgments. We found that among he strategies the Britishers evolved to divide and rule: 1. Pitted the Hindus against the Muslims 2. As the soldiers largely consisting of Sardars, they tried to hurt the egos by cracking jokes. True to the focus of a well meaning Sect the Sardar you mentioned Vasanth, did not react for trivial comments. 3. Boundary Issue like the LOC and the way they triggered issues and left the large population of Hindusatan to come to terms. It is very meaningful to be reading and giving an expression to such a topic on "Friendship Day" May the day strengthen each one to accept the pluses and lacks of Friends like a True Friend........stepping out of Ego. Happy Friendship day CNK! Private Reply to sujatha suresh Aug 04, 2008 5:11 am re: :Wonderful article on Sardars + HFD # J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c Vasanth, Very thought provoking and impacting article which will last for ever in the minds, Enjoy not on the cost of hurts..Stress out not on the pains... Private Reply to J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c Aug 06, 2008 11:24 am re: re: :Wonderful article on Sardars + HFD # Mani VS Venkatesan & SS, can this be good. One Ryze CNk = Professional Two Ryze CNk = Casual Meet to get connected Three Ryze CNk = Business Idea Promotions Four Ryze CNk = Meet for Social cause More Than Four Ryze CNk = Ryze Mixer and get together Any innovative idea by CNk Ryzers M Private Reply to Mani VS Aug 06, 2008 12:23 pm re: re: re: JOKES # J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c "What do use for washing dishes?" "Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best." ****** "Why don't you give your husband a divorce?" "What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?" ****** "Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?" "I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months." Private Reply to J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c Aug 07, 2008 3:29 am re: re: re: re: JOKES _ Salary Increase # vasanth vasu Ask for salary Increase One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!! Dear Bo$$ In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de $perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need $ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$ pond $oon. Your$ $incerely, Norman $oh , the employee received this letter of reply: Dear NO rman, I kNO w you have been working very hard. NO wadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NO w the newspaper are saying the world`s leading eco -NO mists are NO t sure if the United States may go into a NO ther recession. After the NO vember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NO thing more to add NO w. You k NOw what I mean. Yours truly, Manager Private Reply to vasanth vasu Aug 07, 2008 3:34 am re: re: re: re: re: JOKES _ Old one - But To the benifit of those ... # vasanth vasu A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answers the woman. "We don't have a maid," says the man. The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the woman of the house." The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband." The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make 50,000?" The maid asks, "What will I have to do?" The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the Bitch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool." A long pause and the man says, "Oops..! Sorry Wrong Number " Private Reply to vasanth vasu Aug 07, 2008 3:42 am re: re: re: re: re: re: JOKES _ # vasanth vasu Read the paragraph below...and try to understand the meaning.Then look for the answer below. Test yourself first. 'Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. 'One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently, the second member of the team performed self-rotational translation, orientated in the same direction taken by the first team member.' ANY GUESSES WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT??? In simple English what does this translate to? 'Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown And Jill came tumbling after!' Private Reply to vasanth vasu Aug 07, 2008 8:58 am re: re: re: re: re: re: re: JOKES _ # Punitha Thangarajan The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school. "Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal. "Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice. "Well, what seems to be the problem with him?" "We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right." "I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?" "Sure. This is my father!" Private Reply to Punitha Thangarajan Aug 07, 2008 8:58 am re: re: re: re: Jokes # Punitha Thangarajan It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars, return to class." Private Reply to Punitha Thangarajan Aug 07, 2008 8:59 am re: Jokes # Punitha Thangarajan A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready. The time came to have the redneck jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck. The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?" Private Reply to Punitha Thangarajan Aug 07, 2008 9:42 am re: re: Jokes # sujatha suresh Vasanth too Good about the non verbal and self explanatory letters exchanged between Boss & Junior. Now am thinking of signing as $$. Aana vonu, Na $$ sign pota people will think "dollar Biscuits kekodo?" ... worse still they may say "... chu chu Biscuit edduthuko va" Ha...ha...Ha woof! PT redneck is too funny.... Have a nice day! $$ Private Reply to sujatha suresh Aug 07, 2008 10:28 am re: re: re: Jokes # Punitha Thangarajan thank you SS(G).... Private Reply to Punitha Thangarajan Aug 07, 2008 12:15 pm re: re: re: re: Jokes # Raghav V You will laugh your heads out after you finish reading this! (Nice One from Reader's Digest) One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside, I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the dinner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than stinking cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I nearly died! Private Reply to Raghav V Aug 07, 2008 1:52 pm re: re: re: re: re: Jokes # Sekar Narasimhamurthy Really cool one raghav N Sekar Private Reply to Sekar Narasimhamurthy Aug 07, 2008 4:06 pm re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes # S V Raghavan The Resignation Letter A Boss looking through his Mail Box was astonished to see a mail from an Employee who was supposed to be busy working at Client side on a critical project. It had the subject - "TaTa - Bye Bye". With the worst premonition he opened the mail and read the content with trembling hands:- Dear Sir, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving the job. The offer was too lucrative and attractive for me to turn down. I had to abscond because I wanted to avoid a scene with the HR and you. I am sorry but I had no choice. The project is working fine. There are only 108 issues pending, out of which only 38% issues are High Priority. Hence I am sure there is no need to worry about. The next Phase of major enhancements I have been working upon, have been completed halfway. I am sure the new person who would replace me would not understand what all I had done so far. Hence, for his and your convenience, I have taken care to remove all the work that I had been doing this far for nearly 3 months now. I am sure you will appreciate my insight and "big heart". I am of course retaining the Originals that I had retrieved for the purpose of Passport verification with me, considering it as a parting gift from you. Of course, I will not pay the bond amount that I owe the company (since I Am breaking the bond). But I will consider this as a parting gift from our Dear company. I moving out of town since the new company is situated in another City. Also, I have changed my contact number. So you will not be able to get in touch with me, to congratulate me. But I know your blessings are always with me. Last but not the least. I also have the Rs 12000 entrusted to me by our company's cultural events group, for the upcoming movie event. I am sure you would have wanted me to keep it with myself as an added bonus from our company. I respect you very much, hence your wish is my command. Don't worry sir. I am 2 years experienced now, learning so much from your company. So I will surely use this knowledge to write better programs for the new company. Someday I'm sure we will meet sometime in the future. If you wish, I will surely be glad to give my employee reference for you to apply for a job in the new company which I am joining. Your faithful employee, S. W. Engineer At the bottom of the page were the letters "PS". Hands still trembling, the Boss read: PS: Dearest Boss, none of the above is true. I'm am still busy working at client side. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my "Request to reconsider my Salary Appraisal" attached with this mail. Please approve it and call when it is safe for me to come to our Office to discuss this. My respect and Best Regards to you! Private Reply to S V Raghavan Aug 08, 2008 9:14 am re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Jokes # Mani VS Too Good... Cann't resist laughing M Private Reply to Mani VS Aug 08, 2008 10:46 am re: Jokes # J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c "Has there been any insanity in your family?" "Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss." "My wife doesn't know what she wants." "You're lucky. My wife does." We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me. A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth. Private Reply to J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c Aug 08, 2008 12:04 pm Bush in Primary School # vasanth vasu GEORGE BUSH GOES TO A PRIMARY SCHOOL TO TALK ABOUT THE WAR. AFTER HIS TALK HE OFFERS QUESTION TIME.ONE LITTLE BOY PUTS UP HIS HAND AND GEORGE ASKS HIM WHAT IS YOUR NAME IS. "BOB". AND WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION, BOB? I HAVE 3 QUESTIONS. FIRST,WHY DID THE USA INVADE IRAQ WITHOUT THE SUPPORT OF THE UN? SECOND,WHY ARE YOU PRESIDENT WHEN AL GORE GOT MORE VOTES? AND THIRD,WHAT HAPPEND TO OSAMA BIN LADEN? JUST THEN THE BELL RINGS FOR RECESS. GEORGE BUSH INFORMS THE KIDDIES THAT THEY WILL CONTINUE AFTER RECESS. WHEN THEY RESUME GEORGE SAY,OK WHERE WERE WE? OH THAT,S RIGHT....... ... QUESTION TIME. WHO HAS A QUESTION? A DIFFERENT LITTLE BOY PUTS UP HIS HAND. GEORGE POINTS HIM OUT AND ASKS HIM WHAT HIS NAME IS? "STEVE" AND WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION STEVE? I HAVE 5 QUESTIONS. FIRST, WHY DID THE USA INVADE IRAQ WITHOUT THE SUPPORT OF UN? SECOND, WHY ARE YOU PRESIDENT WHEN AL GORE GOT MORE VOTES? THIRD, WHAT HAPPENED TO OSAMA BIN LADEN? FOURTH,WHY DID THE RECESS BELL GO 20 MINUTES EARLY? AND FIFTH, WHERE IS "BOB". Cheers Vasanth Private Reply to vasanth vasu Aug 09, 2008 4:56 am re: Bush in Primary School # Lord Baron Thats a good one V.V. keep them coming Mahesh Private Reply to Lord Baron Aug 17, 2008 11:02 am re: re: Bush in Primary School # S V Raghavan Q & A (Better halves excuse!) Q: What do you call a fat lady waiting for bus? A: Moti-vate Q: What is the difference between watch & wife? A: Ek bigdthi tho bandh ho jathi hai Ek bigdthi tho shuroo ho jathi hai Q: Aap ka aur aap ki biwi ka blood ek hi group hai A: Zarur hoga. 25 saal se meri khoon jo pi rahi hai. Q: What is the difference between mobile and marriage? A: In both cases u feel "aur thoda ruk jatha tho achcha model mil jatha. Q: Ek aadhmi ne saadhu se kaha. Meri Biwi bahut pareshaan karthi hai. Koi upay bahtayiye A: Sadhu bola 'Upay hota tho main kyon saadhu bantha?' Private Reply to S V Raghavan Aug 18, 2008 5:24 am re: Jokes # Rajaram hi venkatesh, oh this is " BE INDIAN BUY INDIAN " ..... good cheers Raj Private Reply to Rajaram Aug 18, 2008 7:17 am re: re: Jokes Actual announcements from church bulletins # vasanth vasu This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early. Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor. Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All those wishing to become little mothers, please meet the minister in his study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belser. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. Private Reply to vasanth vasu Aug 19, 2008 6:46 pm women r like this... # Ravi Padmanabhan (padmania@gmail.com) A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office ready to show it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started screaming hysterically. Her Lexus, which she had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you women are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the woman. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "OH MY GOD!" screamed the woman. "Where's my new bracelet?" Private Reply to Ravi Padmanabhan (padmania@gmail.com) Aug 22, 2008 10:58 am re: Funny # J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c Question: If you could live forever would you and why ? Answer: 'I would not live forever because we should not live forever because If we were supposed to live forever then we would live forever but we cannot live forever which is why I would not live forever' --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. 'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.' --Mariah Carey 'Smoking kills. If you're killed you've lost a very important part of your life' -- Brooke Shields during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign . 'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body' --Winston Bennett University of Kentucky basketball forward. 'Outside of the killings Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country' --Mayor Marion Barry Washington DC . 'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass and I'm just the one to do it' --A congressional candidate in Texas . 'Half this game is ninety percent mental.' --Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark 'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.' --Al Gore Vice President 'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .' -- Dan Quayle 'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?' --Lee Iacocca 'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.' --Joe Theisman NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. 'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.' -- Colonel Gerald Wellman ROTC Instructor . 'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.' -- Department of Social Services Greenville South Carolina 'Traditionally most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.' --Keppel Enderbery 'If somebody has a bad heart they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning when they wake up dead there'll be a record.' --Mark S. Fowler FCC Chairman Private Reply to J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c Aug 23, 2008 10:09 am How stock markets work? # Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N Private Reply to Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N Aug 24, 2008 1:07 am re: How stock markets work? # S V Raghavan Q & A (This time husbands excuse!) Q: What is the difference between men and puppies? A: Puppies grow up. Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces? A: Because they are... Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles? A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever. Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first? A: Who cares?????.. ... Q: What did God say after he created man? A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!. Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ? A: I don't know, I've never seen either. Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? A: i) no mind ii) no business Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions . Q: What is the difference between men and pigs? A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink... Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving. Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift? A: Exchange him!! Q: Why do men like smart women? A: Opposites attract. Private Reply to S V Raghavan Aug 26, 2008 6:38 am Jokes # J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office." Private Reply to J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c Sep 16, 2008 2:20 pm re: Jokes # Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N Private Reply to Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N Sep 22, 2008 6:27 am re: re: Jokes # Surendran J Management Lessons - Old One Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, " After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. ********* Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. ********* Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story Always let your boss have the first say. ********* Lesson 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure , why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. ********* Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,"but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. ********* Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the Winter.It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of this story (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! Private Reply to Surendran J Oct 03, 2008 3:06 pm Tamil & Telegu Version - Zidane‏ # Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N Private Reply to Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N Oct 04, 2008 3:07 pm Hollywood Version - Zidane # Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N Private Reply to Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N Oct 05, 2008 2:16 pm re: the computer # gowri balasubramanyam A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' So, a student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la Computadora' ), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador') , because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.. Private Reply to gowri balasubramanyam Oct 06, 2008 4:12 am re: re: the computer # Sekar Narasimhamurthy Good Joke GB.. Cheers Private Reply to Sekar Narasimhamurthy Oct 14, 2008 7:14 am Hmmmmm...This Makes Sense # Surendran J 1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life! 2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it. 3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside . So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration! 4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world! That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking! 5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!! 6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim. They said, he who never lived, cannot die! 7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles? He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles! 8. So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow sure! 9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends! 10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else! 11. Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di??? 12. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving. Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking! Private Reply to Surendran J Oct 24, 2008 12:13 pm DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES? # Surendran J DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have been released today.' Private Reply to Surendran J Nov 07, 2008 2:58 am re: DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES? # sujatha suresh hahah talk of freedom, marriage, joy ...hmm conundrum I guess...interesting very interesting indeed! Today s’ newspaper Hema Malini has given an interview. Known for her frank replies the interview is candid and worthy of reading… Especially her advice to her daughters to get married to a Single Man who can give time for his wife alone… She is sixty and looks so graceful and Beautiful! Strangely enaf, there is a write up of Rekhas upcoming interview on Zoom where in her relationship with her co-stars etc is discussed…. & how Bachans family was disturbed by her relationship with BigB…. This sounds like how LKs’ analogy of marriage and Washroom being similar…hahah Tooo Good!”…The ones inside are relieved & so wish to come out and the ones outside can’t wait to get in…” C’est La Vie! Nice one Suren Private Reply to sujatha suresh Nov 08, 2008 10:40 am re: re: DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES? # Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N How business is done! Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice Son : "I will choose my own bride". Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter." Son : "Well, in that case..." Next Jack approaches Bill Gates Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter." Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry." Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..." Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank. Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president." President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need." Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law." President : "Ah, in that case....." This is how business is done!! Private Reply to Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N Nov 11, 2008 6:03 am re: Jokes # Lord Baron A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow." Private Reply to Lord Baron Nov 11, 2008 6:21 am re: Jokes # Lord Baron Hi.......... ........ Trust the fact???????? ?? This is a real story of a young college girl who passed away last month in Chandigarh . Her name was Priya. She was hit by a truck.She was working in a call centre. She had a boy friend named Shankar .Both of them were lovers. They always be on the phone.You can never see her without her handphone. In fact she also changed her phone from Airtel to Hutch, so both of them can be on the same network, and save on the cost. She spends half of the day talking with shankar .Priya's family knows about their relationship. Shankar is very close with Priya's family.Before she passed away she always told her friends "If I pass away please burn me with my handphone" she also said the same thing to her parents. After her death, people cudnt carry her body, I was there. A lot of them tried to do so but still cant , everybody including me, had tried to carry the body, the result was still the same. Eventually, they called a person who was know to one of their neighbours, who could speak with the soul of a dead person, He took a stick and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said "this girl misses something here." Then her friends told that person about her intentions to burn her with her phone.. He then opened the grave box and place her phone and sim card inside the casket. After that they tried to carry the body. It could be moved and they carried it into the van easily.All of us were shocked. Priya's parents did not inform Shankar that Priya had passed away. After 2 weeks Shankar called Priya's mom..... Shankar :...."Aunty, I'm coming home today. Cook something nice for me.Dont tell Priya that I'm coming home today, I wanna surprise her." Her mother replied..... "You come home first, I wanna tell you something very important."After he came, they told him the truth about Priya.Shankar thinks that they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said "dont try to fool me - tell Priya to come out, i have a gift for her. Please stop this nonsense". Then they show him the original death certificate to him.They gave him proof to make him believe. (Shankar started to sweat) He said... "Its not true. We spoke yesterday. She still calls me.Shankar was shaking.Suddenly, Shankar's phone rang. "see this is from Priya, see this...."he showed the phone to priya's family. all of them told him to answer. he talked using the loudspeaker mode. All of them heard his conversation. Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming. It is the actual voice of Priya & there is no way others could use her sim card since it is nailed.Inside the grave box they were so shocked and asked for the same person's(who can speak with the soul of deal perosns) help again. He brought his master to solve this matter. He & his master worked for 5 hours.Then they discovered one thing which really shocked them... Hutch has the best coverage. Where ever you go, our network follows!!! Don't curse me I am also looking for the person who sent me this mail....so what you can do...you should also forward this mail to all and enjoy...like i enjoyed. HAHAHAHAH ps...pardon the grammer... Private Reply to Lord Baron Nov 14, 2008 11:54 am re: re: Jokes- An Indian wife # J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c He didn't like the curry And he didn't like my cake. He said my biscuits were too hard... Not like his mohter used to make. I didn't prepare the coffee right He didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks the wya his mother used to do. I pondered for an anser I was looking for a clue. Isn't there anything I could do To match his mothers shoe Then I smiled as I saw light One thing I could definitely do I turned around and slapped him tight... Like his mother used to!!!!!!!!!!! author unknown Private Reply to J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c Nov 14, 2008 3:11 pm Jokes- An Indian wife # sujatha suresh hahahaha ....: ) Private Reply to sujatha suresh Dec 11, 2008 8:33 am Jokes- Kids think quick # Sekar Narasimhamurthy Old..but makes you laugh! ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables! ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?" GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER : No, that's wrong GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE : Me! ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty? GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I." MILLIE : I is... TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am." MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?" LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand. ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!; Private Reply to Sekar Narasimhamurthy Dec 29, 2008 4:14 am Secret of Happy Married Life. # sujatha suresh Secret of Happy Married Life. Once Mathai asked Kuttappan, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?" Kuttappan said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems." "Can you explain?" asked Mathai. Kuttappan said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions." Still not convinced, Mathai asked Kuttappan "Give me some examples" Kuttappan said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it" Mathai asked, "Then what is your role?" Kuttappan said, "My decisions are only for very big issues.... Like whether America should attack Iraq, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these". That is the secret of my happy married life !!! [This is Kuttappans' Statement!] SS Private Reply to sujatha suresh Dec 29, 2008 5:44 am re: Secret of Happy Married Life. # venkatprabu padmanaban (venketsai@gmail.com) Wow!!.... Its..amazing.....Sujatha!!...its quite true in my life too....... Private Reply to venkatprabu padmanaban (venketsai@gmail.com) Dec 29, 2008 6:09 am Secret of Happy Married Life. # sujatha suresh Hahaha...Thank U,VP & Have a nice Day! SS Private Reply to sujatha suresh Jan 08, 2009 6:36 am Different Love letter # ramkumar mn A different Love letter and a beautiful reply to it. A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his classmate. My Dearest Reshma, Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options (A) 10 marks, (b) 5marks and (c) 3 marks. ********** 1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because: (a) of love (b) you couldn't control seeing me (c) really ... am I doing it? ********** 2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me because: (a) you always like to see me smiling (b) you are testing whether I like jokes (c) you are attracted by my smile ********** 3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you stopped singing because: (a) you are so coy to sing before me (b) my presence influenced you (c) you feared that whether I'll like your song ********** 4) When you were showing your childhood photo, when I asked for it, you hide it because: (a) you felt ashamed (b) you felt uneasy (c) you don't know ********** 5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you and you took only my friend's because: (a) you enjoyed my disappointment (b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing (c) you don't know ********** 6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus... (a) you were waiting for me (b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus (c) that bus was crowded ********** 7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because: (a) I am going to be your groom (b) you just want to know what your parents think about me (c) just you felt like introducing me to them ********** 8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a rose on your head because: (a) to fulfill my wish (b) you like roses (c) by chance you got a rose ********** 9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at 6:00 A.M because: (a) you want to pray along with me (b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday (c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual. ********** If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay in expressing it. If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not. Eagerly awaiting your reply.. Love, Aakash ********************* Reshma's reply letter was also in Q/A format........ Aakash, Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire. ********** 1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the class, sees them. (a) Yes (b) No ********** 2) If a girl laughs and looks anyone, is it love? (a) Yes (b) No ********** 3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she stop singing or not? (a) Yes (b) No ********** 4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo. You poked your nose inside..... right ? (a) Yes (b) No ********** 5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you understand yet? (a) Yes (b) No ********** 6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali) at the bus stand? (a)Yes (b) No ********** 7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend? (a) Yes (b) No ********** 8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is it true ? (a) Yes (b) No ********** 9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I come daily to Temple. Do you know ? (a) Yes (b) No If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not loving you. If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning of Love. Hope everything is clear to you. Private Reply to ramkumar mn Jan 15, 2009 2:07 pm re: Different Love letter # John Gancis Cool One!!!. Private Reply to John Gancis Jan 16, 2009 12:51 pm re: Different Love letter # Ritesh Ranjan Good one. Satyam Nursery Rhyme -- Raju Raju - Yes Papa, Eating Profit - No Papa Cheating Cheating - No Papa,Telling Lies - No Papa Open your Balance Sheet - Ha Ha Ha........ Private Reply to Ritesh Ranjan Jan 21, 2009 8:16 am re: re: Different Love letter # ramkumar mn thanks john.... Private Reply to ramkumar mn Jan 23, 2009 12:00 pm Some Kids speak Wise.... # sujatha suresh A WISE LITTLE GIRL A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." TOO ROUGH A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" THUMB SUCKING A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh .. I know what you've been doing." Have a nice Weekend.... SS Private Reply to sujatha suresh Jan 24, 2009 6:41 am Student - Teacher # stranger Private Reply to stranger Feb 18, 2009 11:12 am The Afterlife # ramkumar mn "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." Private Reply to ramkumar mn Feb 18, 2009 1:23 pm Pickpocket # stranger Private Reply to stranger Mar 17, 2009 7:38 am Male & Female Flies # Shivaji Jammalmadugu A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter 'What are you doing?' She asked. 'Hunting Flies' He responded. 'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked. 'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied. Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?' He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone Private Reply to Shivaji Jammalmadugu Mar 17, 2009 9:03 am re: Male & Female Flies # Sekar Narasimhamurthy Dear Mr Shivaji, After the Mangalore Pub incident, how can you take this joke? Regards N Sekar Private Reply to Sekar Narasimhamurthy Mar 17, 2009 9:12 am Male & Female Flies # sujatha suresh Hahaha...Nice one. However,BG may say... when one 'distills' you may find the ones on the beer are females.... SS Private Reply to sujatha suresh Mar 17, 2009 9:52 am re: Male & Female Flies # Shivaji Jammalmadugu Yep. May be better to interchange the numbers ;-D Cheeeersss or hic hic hic uppp Private Reply to Shivaji Jammalmadugu Mar 17, 2009 10:37 am Pocorn & Mobile # Shivaji Jammalmadugu http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5odhh_pop-corn-telephone-portable-microon_news Private Reply to Shivaji Jammalmadugu Mar 31, 2009 6:12 am If he also has ........ # Sekar Narasimhamurthy A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God (of death) she asked, "is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. She was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car? God Replied," what to do .....It was my month end and had to achieve my target" Private Reply to Sekar Narasimhamurthy Apr 02, 2009 5:32 am re: Pocorn & Mobile # Suresh Kumar T Dear Shivaji very interesting! frightening too! Suresh Private Reply to Suresh Kumar T Apr 08, 2009 8:30 am re: re: Sutta matter # J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c வருண் காந்தி : "எல்லாரும் பாத்துக்கோங்க... நான் ஜெயிலுக்கு போறேன்.. நான் ஜெயிலுக்குப் போறேன்... நான் ஜெயிலுக்கு போறேன்..." ராகுல் காந்தி : "சின்னப்புள்ள தனமாயில்ல இருக்கு!" கருணாநிதி : "பாடி ஸ்ட்ராங்... ஆனா.. பேஸ்மென்டுதான் கொஞ்சம் வீக்." ஜெயலலிதா : "யப்பா...இப்பவே கண்ணைக் கட்டுதே.." ராமதாஸ் : "பட்.. எனக்கு அந்த டீலிங் ரொம்ப புடிச்சி இருந்தது." விஜயகாந்த் : "அது போன மாசம்... நான் சொல்றது இந்த மாசம்.." வைகோ : "இது வரைக்கும் நல்லாத்தானே போய்ட்டிருந்தது?" தங்கபாலு : "வேணா... வலிக்குது... அழுதுருவேன்..!" சோனியா காந்தி : "என்னா வில்லத்தனம்?" அத்வானி : "ராஜதந்திரந்தை கரைத்து குடித்துவிட்டாயடா" மன்மோகன் சிங் : "என்னைய வெச்சு காமெடி கீமிடி பண்ணலையே!" மாயாவதி : "ஒரு க்ரூப்பாத்தான்யா அலயுறாங்க" லாலு பிரசாத் யாதவ் : "வரும்... ஆனா... வராது." பிரணாப் முகர்ஜி : "முடியல..." திருமாவளவன் : "இப்படித்தான் உசுப்பேத்தி உசுப்பேத்தி உடம்பெல்லாம் ரணமாயிருது." சரத்குமார் : "ரிஸ்க்கு எடுக்குறது எனக்கு ரஸ்க்கு சாப்புடுற மாதிரி" கார்த்திக் : "அவ்வ்வ்வ்வ்வ்வ்வ்வ்வ்வ்வ்வ்... ரோஜா : "ரூம் போட்டு யோசிப்பாய்ங்களோ?" விஜய டி ராஜேந்தர்: "இதுவரைக்கும் என்ன யாரும் தொட்டதில்ல..!" மிஸ்டர் வாக்காளர் : "கிளம்பீட்டாய்ங்கய்யா.. கிளம்பீட்டாய்ங்க" Private Reply to J.a.m.e.s I.s.a.c Apr 09, 2009 9:46 am Time to laugh # Sekar Narasimhamurthy Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother tongue.? Santa: Very long! ***** Teacher: Pappu, TAMSO MA JYOTIR GAMYA" shloka ka kya arth hai? Pappu: Tum so jayo maa, mein Jyoti ke pass ja raha hoon. ***** Santa went to battery shop n asked to change battery. The shopkeeper asked: Exide laga du? Santa: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya? ***** Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge: What'll you take 30 days or Rs 3000. Santa: I think I'll take the money. ***** A lady asked Santa: LIPTON di chah hai? Santa replied: Mainu ta nahi hai ji, tainu hai ta lipat ja... ***** Q: How do you recognize Santa's son, Pappu, in School? A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board. ***** Banta: Name the 3 fastest means of communication. Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman ***** What's Ford? Santa: Gaadi. What's Oxford ? Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi Private Reply to Sekar Narasimhamurthy Apr 19, 2009 9:01 am re: Time to laugh # Shivaji Jammalmadugu An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen. "Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches." The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?" She said, "Six." The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail." Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas!!!! Private Reply to Shivaji Jammalmadugu Apr 22, 2009 9:57 am re: re: Time to laugh # Shivaji Jammalmadugu The art of C.V. Writing Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer 6 times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted & hanged in 1889.' Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff sent back the following biographical sketch. Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets & intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a govt facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887 he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour, when the platform on which he was standing collapsed.' Private Reply to Shivaji Jammalmadugu Apr 28, 2009 8:19 am re: re: re: Time to laugh # Shivaji Jammalmadugu This was written 52 years ago in the British magazine Punch!!! Still holds true! Punch Magazine - 3rd April 1957 Q: What are banks for? A: To make money. Q: For the customers? A: For the banks. Q: Why doesn’t bank advertising mention this? A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of £249,000,000, 000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made. Q: Out of the customers? A: I suppose so. Q: They also mention Assets of £500,000,000, 000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too? A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money. Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere? A: Not at all. They lend it to customers. Q: Then they haven’t got it? A: No. Q: Then how is it Assets? A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back. Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere? A: Yes, usually £500,000,000, 000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities. Q: But if they’ve got it, how can they be liable for it? A: Because it isn’t theirs. Q: Then why do they have it? A: It has been lent to them by customers. Q: You mean customers lend banks money? A: In effect. They put money into their accounts so it is really lent to the banks. Q: And what do the banks do with it? A: Lend it to other customers. Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets? A: Yes. Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing? A: You can’t really say that. Q: But you’ve just said it! If I put £100 into my account the bank is liable to pay it back, so it’s Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else and he is liable to pay it back, so it’s Assets. It’s the same £100 isn’t it? A: Yes, but,. Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn’t it, that banks haven’t really any money at all? A: Theoretically. Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven’t any money, where do they get their Reserves of £249,000,000, 000 or thereabouts? ? A: I told you. That is the money they have made. Q: How? A: Well, when they lend your £100 to someone they charge him interest. Q: How much? A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half perce nt. That’s their profit. Q: Why isn’t it my profit? Isn’t it my money? A: It’s the theory of banking practice that all. Q: When I lend them my £100 why don’t I charge them interest? A: You do. Q: You don’t say. How much? A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent. Q: Grasping of me, rather? A: But that’s only if you’re not going to draw the money out again. Q: But of course I’m going to draw the money out again! If I hadn’t wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden! A: They wouldn’t like you to draw it out again. Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it’s a Liability. Wouldn’t they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it? A: No. Because if you remove it they can’t lend it to anyone else. Q: But if I wanted to remove it they’d have to let me? A: Certainly. Q: But suppose they’ve already lent it to another customer? A: Then they’ll let you have some other customers money. Q: But suppose he wants his too and they’ve already let me have it? A: You’re being purposely obtuse. Q: I think I’m being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once? A: It’s the theory of banking practice that they never would. Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments? A. YOU GOT IT!! Private Reply to Shivaji Jammalmadugu Apr 30, 2009 8:01 am re: re: re: re: Time to laugh # Shivaji Jammalmadugu After having failed his exam in 'Logic and Law', a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it. Student: 'Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?' Professor: 'Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!' Student: 'Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam. Professor: 'Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?' Student: 'What is legal, but not logical,? What is logical, but not legal,? and What is neither logical, nor legal?' Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed. After wards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question. He immediately answers: 'Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A', although he really should have failed is neither logical, nor legal. Private Reply to Shivaji Jammalmadugu May 03, 2009 8:16 am Singh is king # Sekar Narasimhamurthy Manmohan Singh, George W. Bush, Aishwarya Rai and Sonia Gandhi were traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Sonia and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed. Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything. Sonia is thinking: “This guy (Bush) is all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him”. Aishwarya is thinking: “Bush must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.” Bush is thinking: “Damn it! Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya, she thought it was me and slapped me.” Manmohan Singh is thinking: “If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Bush again.” Singh is King! Singh is King!! Singh is King!!! Private Reply to Sekar Narasimhamurthy May 05, 2009 12:53 pm re: re: re: re: Time to laugh # Hari Krishnan Prabhakar A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.the blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here." The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry", and gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, "First Class isn't going to Houston ..." Private Reply to Hari Krishnan Prabhakar May 05, 2009 7:56 pm re: re: re: re: re: Time to laugh # Shivaji Jammalmadugu Awesome ...........;-D Private Reply to Shivaji Jammalmadugu Jul 05, 2009 11:28 pm 30 RS # sujatha suresh WHEN THE HUSBAND WAS RETURNING AFTER HIS MARRIAGE…HE FOUND HIS WIFE HOLDING A SMALL PACKET; THE HUSBAND ASKED,"WHATS THERE IN THAT PACKET?" WIFE REPLIED,"DARLING THIS IS THE SECRET OF MY LIFE...PLS NEVER OPEN IT OR ASK ME ABOUT IT FURTHER….OTHERWISE OUR MARRIAGE WILL BE IN TROUBLE". THE COUPLE SPENT THEIR DAYS HAPPILY……BUT THE HUSBAND WAS VERY KEEN TO KNOW WHAT WAS THERE IN THAT SMALL PACKET…… AFTER SOME DAYS THE HUSBAND AGAIN TOLD……"DARLING AFTER MARRYING YOU , I GOT THE WOMAN OF MY DREAM…BUT TELL ME WHAT THAT PACKET IS…….IT WLL NEVER AFFECT OUR RELATIONSHIP…..AS I LOVE U MORE THAN MY LIFE". BUT WIFE ONLY TOLD THAT "I ALSO LOVE U MORE THAN MY LIFE….THATS WHY TELLING U NOT TO ASK ABOUT THAT". AFTER SOME DAYS WIFE WENT TO HER OWN HOUSE AND FORGOT TO TAKE HER PACKET………THEN THE HUSBAND COULDN'T CONTROL HIMSELF….AND OPENED THAT PACKET……………………………!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE WAS SHOCKED TO OPEN THAT……..THERE WAS 30 RUPEES……AND 2 WHEAT GRAINS….IN THAT PACKET……THE BOY COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT WAS…AND HOW IT COULD AFFECT THEIR MARRIAGE LIFE……… THEN WHEN HIS WIFE RETURNED …..HE BURST INTO LAUGHTER…..AND TOLD …"DARLING WHAT IS THIS……AND HOW IT COULD HAVE AFFECTED OUR RELATIONSHIP……..WHATEVER MAY BE……U HAVE TO TELL ME ABOUT THE SECRET" THE WIFE REPLIED,"THAT'S NOT GOOD.ANY WAY…….IF U HAVE ALREADY FINALISED TO KNOW THE SECRET …..HERE IT IS, BEFORE MARRIAGE ..EACH TIME I FELL IN LOVE WITH ANY GUY…I PUT A WHEAT GRAIN IN THAT PACKET TO MAKE A NOTE OF MY LOVE…" THE HUSBAND SAW THOSE TWO WHEAT GRAINS….AND AFTER WAITING FOR TWO MINUTES TOLD…..……….. "ITS OK……EVERYBODY HAS SOME LOVE CRUSHES IN HIS LIFE "……. "I STILL LOVE U BECAUSE U TOLD ME THE TRUTH…….. BUT WHAT IS THAT 30 RUPEES?" ……………… THE WIFE REPLIED….."JUST SOLD 6 KGs OF WHEAT at 5RS per kg...CHEAP SHOPMAN" HUSBAND FAINTED!!! This is just a fwrd and as it came in Capitals te posting is still in CAPS!..... Cheers! SS Private Reply to sujatha suresh Jul 12, 2009 10:44 am re: 30 RS # S V Raghavan The other day I read a news item in Times of India running something like this: "On conducting X-Ray analysis of an Egyptian mummy which was thought to be that of a female, they found that it was a male" The heading for the item was "MUMMY IS DADDY" S.V.Raghavan Private Reply to S V Raghavan Jul 19, 2009 5:17 pm re: re: 30 RS # Lavanya Karalkar hahahahaha that was good, Raghavan. Your return is like 'Daddy - Ooops - Mummy Returns' Private Reply to Lavanya Karalkar Jul 20, 2009 10:15 am re: re: re: 30 RS # Ganesh Ram Sujatha we heard you LOUD and clear. Private Reply to Ganesh Ram Jul 27, 2009 4:07 pm re: re: re: re: 30 RS # S V Raghavan I do not know whether to take it as a joke or as a story with a moral: A father came home and found his three children were outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon , and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor,a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it." SVR Private Reply to S V Raghavan Aug 14, 2009 5:33 am re: re: re: re: re: 30 RS # sujatha suresh Wow! a gutsy wife I say... Good one SVR. Private Reply to sujatha suresh Aug 24, 2009 1:30 pm re: re: re: re: re: re: 30 RS # Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N You are very special to me. I don't want to lose a friend like you. I always pray that you should be safe. So please .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Be careful whenever you jump from tree to tree. Private Reply to Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N Sep 04, 2009 11:05 am Blond # Charles Pradeep An airline captain was bringing in a new blond stewardess. The route they were flying had a stopover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" Private Reply to Charles Pradeep Sep 05, 2009 5:10 pm Power of Prayer! # Charles Pradeep A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' " "That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?" One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!" Cheers! CP Private Reply to Charles Pradeep Sep 26, 2009 3:05 pm re: Power of Prayer! # Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N Private Reply to Only God Will Judge Me! Secret Guy! S.V.N Oct 03, 2009 7:04 am re: re: Power of Prayer! # SOEB FATEHI http://www.ryze.com/postdisplay.php?confid=660&messageid=3428403 Private Reply to SOEB FATEHI Oct 21, 2009 6:29 am re: women seeking men? # Jonn Dexter I hope that isn't a true life story! Private Reply to Jonn Dexter Jan 05, 2010 2:41 pm Happy New Year 2010 - Learning golf at 65 - How perverted is your mind ;-D # Shivaji Jammalmadugu My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf. It's a game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women. So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?" "Yes, but on cold mornings they are hard to find." "Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow and we will tee off." "What's tee off?" "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse." "Not for me," I said. "You can tee off in front of the clubhouse, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere." "No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger." "Yeah, I've got one of those." "Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it." "You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around." "You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee." Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so. He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?" "Sure." "Your balls are in it, aren't they?" "Of course," I told him. "Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?" "I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to." "Don't you have a zipper on your bag?" "No, I am the old fashioned type." "Do you know how to hold your club?" Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so. He said, "You take your club in both hands..." I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder..." That's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about. He asked, "How do you hold your club?" Before I thought about it, I said, "With two fingers." He said that wasn't right. He got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me. Well, he couldn't catch me there. I didn't spend four years in the Navy for nothing. He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars..." I could well imagine that. ". . and when you're on the green . . ." "What's the green?" "That's where the hole is." "Sure you're not colour blind?" "Then you take your putter in your hands..." "What's a putter?" "That's the smallest club made." "That's what I got, a putter." "And with it, you put your ball into the hole." I corrected him, "You mean the putter." "No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too." Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon. "Then," he said, "after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17." Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell. "You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?" "Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! "Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?" "The flag will go up!" Well, golfing is not for me! Cheers Shivaji Indian Soul in Foreign Soil Private Reply to Shivaji Jammalmadugu Jan 08, 2010 3:38 am re: Happy New Year 2010 - Learning golf at 65 - How perverted is your mind ;-D # Shivaji Jammalmadugu What do u call a woman in heaven? An Angel. A crowd of women in heaven? A host of Angels. And all women in heaven? PEACE ON EARTH! =================== Husband: Today is sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: Why Three? Husband: For you and your parents. =================== God made a daylight and called Sun, God made a entertainment and called Fun, God made a nightlight and called Moon, God made You and called Cartoon. =================== Why were males created before females? Because you always need a rough draft before the final copy. =================== Great people talk about ideas, Average people talk about things, Small people talk about other people, And Legends never talk, they send SMS... ==================== Govt. of India has introduced a new rule: "Good Looking people should be thrown out of the country!!!" You are safe.... Where should i hide????? ==================== If you fall in river there is a boat, If you fall in well there is rope, But if you fall in love there is no hope. ==================== We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...! ==================== Kid: U know mam, my mother is scared of crossing road! Teacher: How do U know that? Kid: Becoz, she holds my hand while crossing! ==================== When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute. ==================== PHILOSOPHY:small things hurt a lot Example:u can sit on a mountain but not on a pin... Cheers Shivaji Indian soul in foreign soil. Private Reply to Shivaji Jammalmadugu Jan 22, 2010 7:17 am re: re: Happy New Year 2010 - Learning golf at 65 - How perverted is your mind ;-D # charu hasan Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.' The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.' The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.' The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.' But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable' Private Reply to charu hasan Feb 01, 2010 1:57 pm re: re: re: Happy New Year 2010 - Learning golf at 65 - How perverted is your mind ;-D # Shivaji Jammalmadugu Brilliant one Charu Cheers, Shivaji. Private Reply to Shivaji Jammalmadugu Feb 14, 2010 4:17 am re: re: re: re: Happy New Year 2010 - Learning golf at 65 - How perverted is your mind ;-D # Shivaji Jammalmadugu Happy Valentines Day 60++ ;-D A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma." Private Reply to Shivaji Jammalmadugu Previous Topic | Next Topic | Topics Back to Chennai Network

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