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Knowing when to let goViews: 1220
Aug 07, 2008 1:02 pmKnowing when to let go#

Nikkole Abbas
Hi, Marilyn (and all)-
I referred recently in a discussion with you (http://www.ryze.com/posttopic.php?topicid=980173&confid=2376) about having recently abandoned a project because it was feeling like work, and I realized the timing wasn't right. I felt I wanted to post more details here, and hear about when others may have similarly dropped something when it wasn't "easy."

I became inspired a couple of years ago to open a multicultural center in our city (about 60,000). We have a very high Native American population as well as a growing immigrant population, but no organization dedicated to helping them meet their needs as a whole. I spoke to people about it, joined our Chamber of Commerce Diversity Committee, spoke with the mayor a couple of times. At first it felt like things were really clicking. I applied for a fellowship (for grad school) with this plan and was selected as a finalist, went to an amazing weekend interview process with the other finalists (where I met amazing people and had a wonderful time), but did not get the award for grad school.

Shortly after that experience, things sort of came to a standstill. No more were things clicking easily. I called together a meeting to discuss the MC center, and after several e-mails had 3 other people with myself at the meeting, things just weren't moving forward by themselves at all. I have a full-time job, support my husband's business and two young girls. I just don't have the time to MAKE something happen that isn't ready to unfold on its own, so I pretty much abandoned the project. Many people still know I am interested in it, so I suspect if the timing becomes "right" someone will contact me to offer support and help me move it along.

I have been embarrassed to go back to the Diversity Committee meetings, even though I am very interested in the issues and projects they are working on. They had actually added me to the agenda to update on the MC center each month. After a couple of non-updates, I decided to stop going. I did tell them at the last meeting that I was having a hard time getting enough time to pursue it much any more.

I guess the reason for my embarrassment is that I know in the broader world, such abandonment can be seen as lazy, or flaky. I'm not either, I just am not willing to force something to happen that isn't ready to happen. Has anyone else experienced this? How do you deal with the perception that people may feel you are lazy or uncommitted?

Nikkole Abbas
7Gens - social enterprise offering web design services for green businesses and nonprofit organizations

Private Reply to Nikkole Abbas

Aug 07, 2008 1:31 pmre: Knowing when to let go#

Sharon Summerlin
Hi, Nikkole...I can understand how you feel, but I am sure the other folks on the committee aren't expecting you to shoulder the whole burden yourself. There's no shame in saying exactly what you said in your post - that you are very interested in the issues of the committee, but feel that you don't have the time and energy to work with the project until it gets "legs" and creates the momentum necessary to take it forward.

If you and the committee feel the project has future possibilities, why not spend a little time each month perfecting the plan and getting input from the committee for when the timing is right. If that time doesn't come, then you have great experience putting a plan together!

Don't be embarassed. You didn't fail...the timing just wasn't right. The only time the committee might have the misconception is that you were lazy or flaky or uncommitteed would be if you didn't communicate the real reason for pulling back.



Private Reply to Sharon Summerlin

Aug 08, 2008 11:18 pmre: Knowing when to let go#

Marilyn Jenett

Welcome to the network, Nikkole. I believe you'll find a lot of inspiration here.

Do you know what my opinion is about your delimma?

I don't think people are the least bit concerned about whether you are "lazy or uncommitted." Why? Because most people are just too concerned about themselves to be focusing on someone else.

Of course I may be off base here, but I think your concerns are more related to your own feelings about yourself and the facts that you had to let this idea go at that time. There is no broader sense to consider now. There is only your personal sense of worth. And only YOU can keep that intact. It doesn't matter what others' perceptions are. You just need to acknowledge to yourself that you did the best you could do at that time. And maybe it was just about the timing. But you certainly were not lazy. You gave it a good go. It was the others who were not stepping up to the plate. Give yourself the credit you deserve.

From what you wrote, the Committee has not abandoned you and kept you on the agenda so it looks like they are offering some support and you don't realize it. You are too involved in what they "might" be thinking.

The most important thing to understand here as it relates to the laws is this...

What YOU are thinking and feeling will reach out to others and they will pick it up on a subconscious level. So I recommend that you give yourself a big hug, knowing that you put forth plenty of effort. And know that others will recognize this also. Don't let your thought life go the other way.

I wrote an article titled "Can We Change People?" in which I state...(this will be out of context from the whole article, but I thought it was worth sharing)...


Remember this principle? It is our job to see and feel the end result. It is the Universe's job to get us there.

In the area of marketing, we must make the effort to project to others what we desire to project - as this determines the feedback and results we get - or else we will subconsciously respond to their ideas about us.

I hope this helps...


Private Reply to Marilyn Jenett

Aug 09, 2008 3:38 amre: re: Knowing when to let go#

Cathy Markowich

I have been reading this forum for a while but this is my first post. I hope what I say makes sense. This topic really hit home for me.

I can relate to your experience more than you can ever know.

Let’s see if I can explain this. Most of my life I have felt a connection to something but never pursued it as a career because I was always told I “should do this and that”, I should get trained in a specific field”, “you are capable of achieving xyz”. You know what? I did everything everyone told me to do for too many years. I did very well but I’ve never been satisfied. Why? Because my heart wasn’t in it. My heart was somewhere else and I had a longing to pursue a dream.

Finally, about a year ago, I was so stressed out by my work, I was putting in sooo much time and I just wasn’t getting enough from it considering how much work I was putting into it. Every morning I woke up and dreaded what I would have to do that day.

Finally, feeling like YOU did, with the same thoughts, I was at a loss. A very good friend of mine helped me to understand that maybe what I was doing just wasn’t right for me. My friend helped me to understand that the people I was working with “were not stepping up to the plate” as they should have, it wasn’t me, it was just not the right place and time. I knew I had done the best I could but things were just not moving along and I felt guilty about it. But after much thought and writing a lot of what I felt on paper, I realized I just had to detach myself and move on to something else. (Writing down your feelings and thoughts on paper really helps you to realize a lot).

So realizing I could not go further but I knew I had to earn income I pursued my dream. It has been effortless, fun, I have more income now than I did then, and when I wake up in the morning I don’t feel like I have a JOB. In fact sometimes I feel guilty for enjoying my work so much and getting paid for it.

So my point is, don’t give up on your project, put your thoughts out to the universe and detach yourself from the outcome. I suggest making a vision board, putting up pictures of what you want somewhere where you will see them daily and visualize and then forget about it.

When the time is right your project will be accomplished.

I’m not sure I understand this myself, but it seems like the universe has it’s own plans for us and often it requires us to take steps that will give us the ability to reach our goals. Sometimes we may not like the steps we take, or may not understand why we have to take them.

Hard to explain, but I think when the time is right it all comes together, you can’t force things to happen, it has to evolve through our energies and thoughts.

Soooo, that’s my humble opinion for tonight, I hope it helps in some way.


Private Reply to Cathy Markowich

Aug 09, 2008 4:05 amre: re: re: Knowing when to let go#

Marilyn Jenett

Welcome to you also, Cathy. See, I knew there would be inspiration here. :-) I believe I recall that you succumbed to your desire to work with animals and it's brought you success. You are living your purpose and that's what it's about.

May I recommend a few things (to all) that are aligned with finding our true purpose and fulfilling our dreams.

1. Look through the Metaphysical Marketing Workshop here on the network and you might pay special attention to the post "Always Assume the Door is Open."


2. If you really want to experience a journey of how Universal guidance works to support us, even when we don't know our direction, please read my memoir. I don't believe you will look at your life - and business - in the same way again.


3. It's worth remembering what one of my great teachers, Dr. Joseph Murphy said:

"The Intelligence that gives you the talent also gives you the means to fulfill the talent."

4. And finally, I would like to offer my article, "Forget the How and Enjoy the Wow!" which is right on topic.


Isn't it great that I have put all of my views in writing so that I don't have to keep writing about it over and over again? And the first time it comes out is often the best :-)

You don't have to read it all at once, of course, but all of this will take you into the consciousness of fulfillment.


Private Reply to Marilyn Jenett

Aug 09, 2008 3:49 pmre: Knowing when to let go#

Nikkole Abbas
Thanks, everyone for your thoughts. I don't *think* I am feeling lazy or uncommitted (although that's why they're called "subconscious" thoughts, right?) *wink*

It might help if I share some of my story. I have followed my own inspiration for years. I don't want to make this too long, but I'll start with college. I had planned for years to go to law school after graduation, but near the end had started feeling that just wasn't right for me. I applied to three schools: University of VA, Columbia and Yale - all highly competitive. I felt that if I were accepted into one of these programs, I needed to go as that was where I was supposed to be (in fact I was invited to apply to UVA and Columbia, hadn't really considered them before).

I did not get in to any of the 3 (though I was wait listed at UVA and Columbia) and planned to move to VA and live with my college roommate's mother for awhile, get myself on my feet, get state residency and re-apply to UVA (my friend had told me residents have a greater chance to be accepted). Instead, however, a group of my friends were moving to CA together and I decided fairly spontaneously to go with them instead.

After working the winter season waiting tables in Palm Springs and the summer season on Catalina Island off LA, I became inspired to "work with kids." I didn't know in what capacity, but I went back to Palm Springs and called the youth organizations in the yellow pages to see whether any of them were hiring. The Boys & Girls Club was hiring for a coordinator position and I got the job. I never even knew whether they had advertised the position yet by the time I called...??

In this position (my first "professional" experience) I had total autonomy over the projects at 3 after-school program sites and my boss was more of a mentor. I would come to her with what I wanted to do and she would use her experience to help me do it. I worked with very little direct supervision and set the majority of my hours myself, working some of it at home. Being the young and single staff person, I got to go hiking, camping, rock climbing as a chaperone. I got paid to play.

After a couple of years there, I suddenly knew I was going to join the Peace Corps. Now, there is an application process that takes about a year, but I never told anyone I was "applying to the Peace Corps." I was "joining the Peace Corps." I ended up going to Kyrgyzstan to teach English as a Foreign Language in 1999 and met my husband there in 2001. (There are a lot of other stories within that experience for another time.)

There was some time before I got a strong inspiration like I had had in the past, but I did feel that I wanted to live in the Black Hills of SD. I got a job working in drug and alcohol prevention that again left me complete autonomy. My boss trusted that I could do the job and left me on my own to do it. I worked in an office, but had quite a bit of flexibility in setting my own schedule and earned "comp time" when I went over 40 hours due to travel & etc.

I was there just over two years and was 8 months pregnant when my boss called me into his office to let me know that due to loss of grant funding (which I had known months before) that they had worked frantically to replace, they could no longer pay me to work for the program. Even at that exact moment, I was sure there was something bigger and better for me and wasn't the least concerned. I actually remember feeling sorry for him. He had a really hard time with having to tell a pregnant woman she had a job for only two more weeks.

I had the weekend to think about it, but never became concerned. Fortunately, the organization was a large one and they were able to move me to another program. It turned out not to be a good fit, especially after my daughter was born because I couldn't get time to nurse or pump milk. But, this did allow me to take advantage of my paid time off and earned "comp time" that I had been saving up for the maternity leave.

Within a few weeks I learned of a position and contacted the local coordinator about it. She replied back telling me that it was a part-time position (up to 35 hours) and paid $10-12/hour. This being a significant pay cut for me, I didn't even respond. Lucky for me, she e-mailed again asking me directly what my hesitation was. I told her what I was earning and that I couldn't swing the reduction. She got in touch with the Executive Director and came back with an offer that was close to what I was earning.

I have been with this organization ever since. This position puts me in a home office, so I have been at home with both of my daughters since the oldest was a few months old. It has been a true blessing to be here with them. The oldest was in drop-in daycare occasionally while my husband was a student, but since then he and I have been able to completely flex our time so both girls are with one or the other of us almost constantly.

So when I had the inspiration to open the multicultural center, I didn't hesitate. I had actually been waiting to feel that strong pull again that I had experienced before. I took actions to begin bringing the people to the table, spoke with the mayor, etc. as I described above. Things were clicking and then suddenly they weren't any more (no real change in the actions on my part). The inspiration also started to dry up.

I believe I was supposed to go to that fellowship seminar for the final interviews and that this plan got me there. Shortly after my inspiration for the MC center stopped flowing, I felt (again very strongly) that I was instead to join my husband in his business. I have been taking steps in that direction ever since and things are flowing there easily and I am having a blast. He is also starting to pick up more and more clients recently so it looks like I may be able to wean myself off having a full time job within a year.

Perhaps my embarrassment comes with the realization that those of us who follow our inspirational flow are somewhat rare in the wide world "out there." I also re-applied for the fellowship with my new plan to join my husband's business and didn't even get a first interview. I thought this might have to do with having been 100% committed to one thing one year and the next (completely different) "new thing" within a year. They may have seen me as unable to commit or complete this new plan.

I am completely at ease where I am now. I have asked a couple of friends whether they think I seem flaky since I dropped the MC center project so quickly to follow this new inspiration. They both said, on the contrary, they were inspired by me and my willingness to pursue my dreams.

I will always continue to do so, despite what the "rest of the world" thinks, but I still can't help but wonder what they are thinking sometimes.


Nikkole Abbas
7Gens - Social enterprise offering website design for green businesses and nonprofit organizations

Private Reply to Nikkole Abbas

Aug 09, 2008 10:05 pmre: re: Knowing when to let go#

I don't have much time for Ryze but am subscribed to this network. As for the project update I would explain to the committee that although you are interested you will need more support from community members if it's to move forward at all. This is not a matter of laziness but of logistics. As stated, always imagine the door is open and that people want to help. Major and meaningful projects are hard work but they should be fun and fulfilling. Sometimes we do have to let go and "Let God" as they say...I like some of the others' suggestions - btw. Relax. Take care. Viviana

Private Reply to Viviana

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