Julie Bestry | | As we discussed last week, we're going to be doing some personal life Q
& A regarding the paper clutter and organizational issues that
pop
up and impact our professional endeavors. The next request
was:
Best way to handle kids
social correspondence/ notes/ b-day invites/ etc.?
This is a great question for two reasons. First, it's about creating a functional system.
You children may get any of the following formalized
paperwork related to their complex social lives:
- Birthday and holiday party invitations
- Invitations to friends' and families' social engagements
- Letters from grandparents and other distant family members
- Letters from penpals
- Instructions for attending special events at school and
elsewhere (school dances, mixers, ski trips, chaperoned weekend parties)
- Notices
about special events at your family's house of worship (overnight
slumber party/"lock ins", religious school parties or charitable
activities, field trips, etc.)
- Event announcements for extracurricular group and club
activities (Scouting events, 4H activities, etc.)
- Flyers about kids-oriented charity and fundraising
events, like pancake breakfasts and bowling parties
If
they want to get registered, have the right wardrobe or accessories,
get in on the activities they prefer and generally keep their little
social lives in order, kids will need to carefully read about what's
going on, act in a timely manner and plan their lives accordingly (with
your
assistance).
Second, by developing systems for
handling children's social papers,
you are setting your kids up to not only be more efficient, but to possess the necessary social
skills to thrive in
the world outside your home. Throughout the years,
teachers, prospective and actual employers,
and social and romantic partners will all make judgments, intentionally
or not, regarding your child based upon his or her organizational
skills and ability to convenience (or inconvenience) others as a result
of
those skills.
As always, organizing isn't merely about
keeping things tidy. It's about developing skills and systems
that help keep our lives functional.
1. Start by
developing a ritual for collecting correspondence.
Just as we
discussed last week when we talked about school paper, social
paper (whether we're talking about adults or kids) needs to be reviewed and acted upon,
and you can't do that if letters are crumpled in the bottom of book
bags or sandwiched between mom & dad's bills on top of
the microwave.
I'm a big fan of each child having his or her own
in-box. You could use the in-tray we described last week for
handling school papers, but as your children get older, you (and they)
are going to want separate, even "private", locations where their mail,
letters and "while you were out" messages will land. So,
consider
the following options:
Horizontal
Options
In-Tray
for each child--These can be stacked to keep your space streamlined,
especially if your "family area" in the kitchen or family room is
limited. You can use actual in/out
trays used in offices, or you can use something fun and
colorful like this
option from Lakeshore Learning,
labeling each box with a family member's name. It's designed
for
a teaching environment, but hey, you're teaching organizing and social
skills, right? Another attractive tray option comes from duduc.
D-I-Y alternatives--If
your children are very young and you have an artistic bent, a home-made,
personalized mailbox might help get them excited about
responsibly handling their own mail.
Vertical Options
Bulletin boards--As
I noted last week, collecting lots of incoming school mail and
task-oriented papers on a bulletin board can overwhelm the senses.
However, kids
usually don't have (and, for your sanity and theirs) LOTS of
non-scholastic social
activities in any given week. Thus, a bulletin board for each
child's room or door to follow social activities and correspondence is
usually OK.
Most kids will prefer something more
decorative than a plain cork board--cover the whole board in cloth or a
big sheet of wrapping paper, or get a French
(cloth-covered) board.
Boys and girls, as well as kids at varying ages, have very
different tastes, so if you want your child to actually use the system,
give them
aesthetic input! A dinosaur- or Hannah Montana-themed
bulletin board doesn't have to distract from its main purpose, if
handled delicately.
The advantage of a bulletin board is that it
can be used for sorting/prioritizing
upcoming events as well as
collecting
mail. You can create a horizontal panel for "this week"
(places to go, mail requiring a reply), a second for "future" (for
quickly upcoming
items) and a third panel for newly-arrived correspondence about
tasks/events. Teens might prefer a less structured
approach--let
them take the lead.
Fancier
vertical options--Take a peek at the individualized
"mailboxes" in this picture on either side of the door.
Note each family member's in-box is "labeled" with a photo?
Awwww.
Riser/step
files--these are popular options for adult "action" files.
However, children, especially elementary-aged children, are
very
visually-oriented, and taking advantage of the visual approach will
make them more
curious and enthusiastic about the process. Riser and step
file tend
to hide
items, decreasing the likelihood that younger kids will take to
the option with glee.
2)
Create a daily ritual for handling correspondence
Yes,
yes, I know you'll insist your lives are all far too complicated to
have all these assigned times for tasks, but that's exactly the problem
with disorganization in modern life. People take on
more tasks that they ought
(a subject of past, and I'm sure, future, posts) and stop living
according to rituals and systems.
Parents have
long known that newborns who are fed, changed, bathed and put to bed on
a schedule tend to be less fussy and easier to manage.
Schools
divide the day into specific "slices" to learn the same topics at the
same time every day. Television schedules are just that--you
don't have to guess (usually) when your favorite show will be on.
Scheduled rituals or procedures provide comfort.
When you
have too many oddly-scheduled activities such that you're doing more
than your body and brain reasonably have time to attend, it creates
physical and mental stress--a sure sign that life is dysfunctional
and
disorganized.
When you and your children sit down to review the school paper (as
discussed last week), end the session by reviewing any of their incoming
mail or correspondence. Then teach them (in
concept, if not using the actual words) the RAFT
system. That means determining what's the next task
they have to perform with each piece of paper.
Let's say they've gotten an invitation to a birthday party. What's the first thing
they have to do? Whether 6 or 16, he or she has to refer the issue to
Mom or Dad to consult on whether (even if the kids' personal schedule
is free) the family schedule allows this. Does the family
have a
pre-existing obligation? What other tasks are required?
If
Mom gives the go-ahead, what actions
must be taken? Does the child have to call (or, less likely,
write) with an RSVP? (Any child kindergarten age or older can
be
responsible for RSVPing with parental supervision.) This is
the point where kids and parents, together, make sure the activity gets
onto the family calendar!
What's
the next action?
Plan time to buy a gift? Put together
a costume/outfit? These are actions that you and your
(younger)
children must schedule in concert. Just as if it were a
doctor's
appointment, schedule time on your calendar to get it done.
You
might put your brainstorming ideas in your tickler file, and have
your kids put the invitation and notes on their bulletin board.
Whatever
the correspondence, teach your children to be little investigators and
read for content and
find the important information: who
(is having the event), what
(kind of event), when
(time and
duration),
where
(will it be held), why
(to fundraise? to celebrate? to
learn?), and how
(requiring what special actions or preparations on the
part of the attendee or parents)? The biggest mistake grownups
make with correspondence is putting off actually
paying attention
to the details. Teach your kids that identifying the details
is
the first step in organizing what needs to be done next!
3)
Teach your children the proper way to correspond--including
starting NOW.
First, let's talk about time.
Don't delay what you can
do today.
A job begun is already
half-done.
If
all that is required to take care of some correspondence is to fill out
a form or check some boxes, make this part of the process, then and
there. If your
children are pre-literate, read them the questions
and write their responses. This is the perfect opportunity to
teach your children things like how to say their address properly
(street, city, state, zip) and when, where and to whom
NOT to give such information.
Filling out forms is an essential part of life, so even if
your
kids can't write yet, get them in the habit of
figuring out if they can attend something, if they want to, and what
information they need to make a decision and so they act upon the
correspondence with certitude.
Next, let's talk about social
development. Yes, etiquette is important.
Maybe some people won't notice when you don't write a thank
you note, but everyone
notices when you do.
It's not merely a sign that you know the social rules, but
that
you value others. Doing it in a timely manner additionally
shows
that you have the ability to manage yourself and your tasks.
Writing
a thank you note for a Christmas present...in April...sends a mixed
message; writing a thank you note for a job interview...six months
later...means your kids probably won't be remembered the way they might
wish.
If
the correspondence is purely social, like writing a thank-you note or a
follow-up to a pen pal, you'll want to teach your child how to contemplate what he/she wishes to
write. Sit together to brainstorm what they will
write, then schedule the
actual writing for later in the evening or the next day's
correspondence session.
With
small children, start by asking them questions to get them thinking
about what to write. For example, if Auntie Jane sent a toy,
ask
your child some age appropriate questions. What color is the
toy?
Have they been wanting the toy for a long while, or is it
something they didn't know existed? Do they have a friend who
has
the toy, or with whom they are excited to share it? Small children have no experience
with organizing thoughts or developing a narrative--use
this time not only to organize the task of keeping up with
correspondence, but teaching them how to gather thoughts and
arrange
them.
Don't think adolescent teens don't need your help.
Sure, you can tell them that a good thank you note includes:
- a warm opening indicating gratitude
- a description of what they like about the gift and how they
will use it
- an acknowledgement of the gift-giver's thoughtfulness
- an expression that indicating one is thinking of the
gift-giver
- a repetition of gratitude, and
- a warm sign-off
Bo-ring.
This list is not going to inspire your teen to want to send a
note. Use your time, if your teen will let you get that
close, to
talk about the gift; ask questions as if your child were a stranger and
you didn't know he hated the itchy hand-knit scarf: "Why do
you
think your grandmother chose that shade of blue? Does it remind you of
anything else you've seen in our photos?", "How long do you
think it took to knit something like that?" Kids are
understandably solipsistic, but by helping them organize their
thoughts, even thoughts it never occurred to them to have,
you're
guiding them not only towards better organizing skills, but being more
thoughtful grownups.
Also, although your children do not need
to have a stationery "wardrobe" that would befit a lady or
gentleman in the days before all-electronic communication, you should
involve your kids in the picking a set of thank you cards and some
simple "informal" cards. Good manners still demand a stamp
for
formal showings of gratitude.
With other correspondence, like
writing to penpals and distant friends, you can help your younger kids
brainstorm what they want to say in straightforward way, by asking them
questions and reminding them of their recent activities. With
older
kids, the best you can do without being seen as unduly interfering is
say "Hey, how is X doing? I bet she'd think what you're doing
in
the school play is pretty cool" and hope your child will send a text
message to keep that connection.
4)
Figure out what to keep--and what to toss
Remember
the RAFT
system? With each item, you merely determine the next
task, and whether something should be referred, acted upon, filed or
tossed. Before an event, or prior to completing all of the
"act"
items, your kids' primary focus will be on refer and act.
What
about when the party's over? Should the invitation be kept
(and
filed) or tossed? When the church camp "lock in" is
completed, or
the cleanup from the mixer is done, what's next?
This depends on the lesson you're trying to impart to your
kids.
As
a professional organizer, I always encourage people to rely on their
memories and not tangible objects. Saving an invitation that
you
shove in a drawer because someday, if/when you open the drawer, you'll
be reminded of that party you went to...well, that seems silly.
Why keep
something that only serves as a reminder, and then only if
you happen to come across it? If you can't remember the event
without the invitation, why is it important to remember it at all?
However,
if you want to impart a different lesson to your child and believe that
tangible representations of personal history are important, you can
work together with your child to develop more artistic ways of
capturing memories, whether that involves creating a digital
photographic record of all the invitations of all the parties attended
in a year or putting together a scrapbook.
Whichever you choose,
I urge you to take a cue from your child's level of interest in
maintaining physical manifestations of completed activities.
I
can't tell you the number of parents who go to long lengths to create
complex records of each of their children's social activities in albums
or scrapbooks, only to end up devastated that their college-age or
adult kids have no interest. I wouldn't presume to know your
kids
nor be able to predict what they'll want in 10 or 20 years, but my
professional experience is that I've never had anyone complain that
they (or their parents) didn't save the roller skating party invitation
sent by their third-best-friend or the packing list for camp
Damp-and-Itchy.
Personal correspondence
falls into a completely different
category. The sentimental
attachment to personal correspondence can be strong and unyielding.
Here, I encourage you to follow make the following
distinction
until your children are old enough to make these decisions for
themselves.
Meaningful--Any
letter, card or piece of writing that actually says something
personal can be kept, whether in a manila folder for
correspondence
(or a series of them, as your kids age) in the personal section of your
family files (of which, we'll discuss more, soon) or in a keepsake
box. Little girls might like to tie letters from their
penpals with
a pretty ribbon and keep in a stylized hatbox; I've found little boys
tend to be quite satisfied with a rubberbanded stack of letters in a
shoebox. (The vast majority of little sons of
my clients have indicated no interest in saving correspondence except
from sports stars and other "heroes", but you know your kids best.)
Meaningless--I
say this with all deference; there are cards and letters that are FULL
of meaning, and those will far LESS meaning. Any
card where
the preponderance of the message was created by someone employed by
Hallmark is going to mean far less than something written with loving
and personalized intention. A card from Great Aunt
Whatshername that
bears nothing but your child's name and a signature is
largely devoid of personalized meaning. Let it go.
Whew.
Betcha didn't think I could have that much to say about kids'
correspondence. Questions? Concerns?
Specific
examples you'd like covered in more detail (but hopefully not so many
words)?
Ask away!
--
Julie Bestry, Certified Professional Organizer®
Best Results Organizing
"Don't apologize. Organize!"
organize@juliebestry.com
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