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| | The The Kolkata Network Network is not currently active and cannot accept new posts | | Jokes...!! | Views: 1275 | | Oct 26, 2008 11:35 am | | Jokes...!! | # | 
MHN Parée | | Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
Manager: Sorry, but i can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager! Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either. Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you cankeep it.
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach youanything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!!
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http://paree.gather.com/Private Reply to MHN Parée | | Oct 26, 2008 7:07 pm | | re: Jokes...!! | # | 
RAJAN ADVANI | |
THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER WRITTEN
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER Carla and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago..
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica, But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
Private Reply to RAJAN ADVANI | | Jan 01, 2009 7:26 pm | | re: Jokes...!! | # |
MHN Parée | | A Hindu, a Rabbi and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car suddenly expired.
They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs.
However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
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http://paree.gather.com/Private Reply to MHN Parée | | Jan 03, 2009 5:50 am | | re: re: Jokes...!! | # |
MHN Parée | |
Women are always
Clever
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman:
"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you
someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there
anymore."
Man: "Is this seat
empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit
down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to
my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a
rock?"
Man: "Your place or
mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to
mine."
Man: "I'd like to call
you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone
book."
Man: "But I don't know
your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do
for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "I know how to please
a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give
myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap
gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you
want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to
leave."
Man: "Hey Cutie, how 'bout
you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my
species."
Man: "May I see you pretty
soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
Man: "Your body is like a
temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through
anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank
account."
Man: "I would go to the
end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
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http://paree.gather.com/Private Reply to MHN Parée | | Jan 03, 2009 6:32 am | | re: re: re: Jokes...!! credit crunch | # | 
Harindranath k. | | This is the letter from my management to its employees.
Dear employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
Private Reply to Harindranath k. | | Jan 09, 2009 5:43 pm | | indian hell | # |
MHN Parée | | A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!
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http://paree.gather.com/Private Reply to MHN Parée | | Jan 31, 2009 6:10 am | | Marriage mix Jokes...!! | # |
MHN Parée | |
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep
under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is
the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I
think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I
was talking to the sheep"
******
A man walks into his bedroom
and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you
doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to London . I heard prostitutes there
get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on
her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his
suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too
I want to see how you live on £800 a year".
******
A woman
was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of
low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce,
half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon As she was
unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind
her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the
cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be
single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked
at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital
status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know
what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The
drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."
******
Ed was in trouble. He
forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really upset. She told him
"Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to
200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning Ed got up
early and left for work. When his wife woke up,
She looked out of the
window and sure enough there was a small box giftwrapped in the middle of the
driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and
picked up the box.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom
scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for
Friday.
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http://paree.gather.com/Private Reply to MHN Parée | | Feb 06, 2009 6:19 pm | | re: Jokes...!! | # |
MHN Parée | | How to catch a lion?
Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.
Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.
Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.
Indian Police Method:
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion.
Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.
Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !
Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.
Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness (third) into the forest. You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!
Yash Chopra method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.
Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.
Menaka Gandhi method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.
George bush method:
Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!
Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u. U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run Lion tired and surrenders
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