|
|  |
| |
|
| | The Legal Needs Network is not currently active and cannot accept new posts | | Its legal to laugh:-)) | Views: 2818 | | Aug 30, 2007 4:31 am | | Its legal to laugh:-)) | # | 
Rajesh R | | Ok folks....i joined this network coz i saw it was moderated by Vijay Nair, who, I think, can put many poets to shame. Coming tothis network, I believe it is a brilliant idea and it pains me to notice its not been too active of late. Since ignorance of the law can be quoted by me for not adding meaningful posts here, i'll do my bit by starting a Humour thread where people can keep adding their jokes, so at least there's a reason for our esteemed legal friends to keep visiting. And, in that process, we can hopefully pick their brains.
What say Vijay?Private Reply to Rajesh R | | Aug 30, 2007 4:32 am | | re: Its legal to laugh:-)): "Kill Bill" | # |
Rajesh R | |
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:
"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00."
Private Reply to Rajesh R | | Aug 30, 2007 4:33 am | | re: Its legal to laugh:-)): " Kill Bill-2" | # |
Rajesh R | | A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
Private Reply to Rajesh R | | Aug 30, 2007 4:34 am | | re: re: Its legal to laugh:-)): " Kill Bill-3 " | # |
Rajesh R | | A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
Private Reply to Rajesh R | | Aug 31, 2007 3:23 am | | re: re: re: Its legal to laugh:-)): " Kill Bill-3 " | # | 
Vijay Nair | | I believe I cant laught at all if I cannot laugh at myself.
Great going, Rajesh.Private Reply to Vijay Nair | | Aug 31, 2007 8:04 am | | re: re: re: re: Its legal to laugh:-)): " Kill Bill-3 " | # |
Rajesh R | | oh i laff at myself all the time. hafta keep pipal company na...they shldnt laff alone:D Private Reply to Rajesh R | | Aug 31, 2007 8:04 am | | re: Its legal to laugh:-)) " Put it behind you" | # |
Rajesh R | | A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back.
He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"
"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Private Reply to Rajesh R | | Aug 31, 2007 8:07 am | | re: re: Its legal to laugh:-)) " Put it behind you" | # |
Rajesh R | |  Private Reply to Rajesh R | | Aug 31, 2007 8:13 am | | re: re: re: Its legal to laugh:-)) " Put it behind you" | # |
Rajesh R | |  Private Reply to Rajesh R | | Feb 12, 2008 6:03 am | | re: re: re: re: Its legal to laugh:-)) " Put it behind you" | # | 
Ritu | | Nice jokes, but you know what? The problem with lawyers jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny and nobody else thinks they're jokes.....but being a person whoz neither here nor there(a law grad who doesn't practice law) has given me a fine sense of appreciation of legal jokes (thats all i got for banging my head for 3 yrs at law school)....ah,but I'm digressing)...n it's not without lots of hesitation n trepidition that i'm posting a joke here on a network devoted to a serious purpose n a noble cause...but anyways here's the joke
 Private Reply to Ritu | | Feb 12, 2008 6:49 am | | re: re: re: re: Its legal to laugh:-)) " Put it behind you" | # | 
Tiger A | | Hi R,
It is interesting - keep it on dude...sharing a laugh is always good:-)
TigerPrivate Reply to Tiger A | | Feb 12, 2008 3:34 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Its legal to laugh:-)) " Put it behind you" | # |
7 Th Thinking Hat | | Two lawyers were arguing in a court when the argument turned ugly. They started calling each other names. 'You fool' You are abigger fool' YOU AREA MUCH BIGGER FOOL' .. and so it went.
The judge got impatient and intervened. '"When I am here why you two are calling names like that?"
.
.
.
.
(if you don't get it leave it Don't ask me what is the joke in it?)Private Reply to 7 Th Thinking Hat | | Feb 13, 2008 5:35 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Its legal to laugh:-)) " Put it behind you" | # |
Ritu | | Tiger I'm so glad that you appreciate a good lawyer's joke...i mean who doesn't???
'Everybody loves lawyer jokes; especially lawyers. They’re even sort of proud of it. Why do you suppose that is?~Rainmaker'..
But how may can we truly share??
In any case how many lawyers' jokes are there?
Only three; the rest are all true.
Anyways here's a joke..oops a cartoon(can't use words loosely when you are dealing with anything legal..i remember i studied a 15 page case about difference between each n every at the law school...huh....but again i digress)
Private Reply to Ritu | | Feb 15, 2008 5:57 pm | | Legalese | # |
Ritu | | Legalese
Now this ain't no joke really, but from a 'real,actual' document (drafted by a lawyer of course...perhaps these documents are by the lawyers n for the lawyers only)...it's the language of the law which makes no sense whatsoever (unless one is a real lawyer I suppose)..that makes
it kinda funny.
'Any other acts whatsoever beyond the reasonable control of the Party affected, then the Party so affected shall upon giving prior written notice to the other be excused from such performance to the extent that such cause prevents, restricts or interferes with it PROVIDED THAT it shall use its best to avoid or remove such cause of non performance and shall continue performance hereunder with the utmost despatch whenever such causes are removed; then upon such prevention, restriction or interference as aforesaid arising, the Investors and the Company shall meet forthwith to discuss what modifications (if any) may be required to the terms of this Agreement in order to arrive at an equitable solution. '
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!
Private Reply to Ritu | | Feb 15, 2008 6:23 pm | | re: Legalese | # |
Ritu | | And this is how the law schools train the future lawyers to prepare documents as above
'The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?” The student replied, “Here’s an orange.” The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!” The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…’"Private Reply to Ritu | | Feb 16, 2008 8:44 am | | re: Legalese | # | 
Jayant Tewari, OutSourced CFO | | This is what comes from trying to draft an al encompassing force majeure clause which can be used to cover any and all deficiencies !!! Private Reply to Jayant Tewari, OutSourced CFO | | Feb 17, 2008 8:42 am | | re: re: Legalese | # |
Ritu | | Yeah...sure I understand that lawyers only have the noble intention of protecting their clients by 'drafting an all encompassing force majeure clause which can be used to cover any and all deficiencies !!!' but can't the same purpose be achieved by drafting it in plain english which human beings can understand instead of resorting to legalese (herein after referred to as legal mumbo jumbo)?
'The minute you read something and you can't understand it, you can be sure it was written by a lawyer. Then, if you give it to another lawyer to read and he don't know just what it means, then you can be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.(see I always suspected even lawyers don't always understand what the write) If its in a few words and is plain, and understandable only one way, it was written by a non-lawyer.'
~Will Rogers
n this legal mumbo jumbo is often leads to situations like
'~Judge: Are you the defendant?
Defendant: Nope, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
~True Courtroom Dialog:
Lawyer: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.'
In order to understand the legal mumbo jumbo refer to the legal glossary in the post that follows.
Private Reply to Ritu | | Feb 17, 2008 8:49 am | | re: re: re: Legalese | # |
Ritu | | Legal Glossary aka legal mumbo jumbo demystified
(part I from A-C)
Arbitration=
An alternative method of resolving disputes wherein both parties agree to abide by the decision of an arbitrator, who is generally an out of work judge who has lost most of his marbles.
Bankruptcy=
The formal condition of a person being deemed insolvent under law, a situation a good number of people end up in after paying their lawyer’s bill. By declaring bankruptcy, the person agrees to divert his or her remaining assets to the lawyer handling the bankruptcy.
Barrister->
English derivation of the French term for bastard.
Bill-able hours=
Hours billed to the client, however; should not be confused with time actually spent working on the case. A complex algebraic algorithm is utilized by lawyers to determine the time they bill to each case. The formula is as follows: time actually spent working on case plus time spent thinking about case while at lunch plus amount of the lawyer’s car payment multiplied by a factor of 4.
Breach of trust=
Whenever clients attempt to surreptitiously keep the lawyer from knowing that they still have a little money left in their bank account.
Capital punishment=
The lawyer fees the client must pay.
Caveat emptor=
Latin for “let him beware of the lawyer.”
Confession=
When the accused decides its far better to admit to the crime and face the electric chair than be forced to listen to the loud mouth lawyers for even one more mind numbing minute.
Contingency fee=
A fee arrangement between the lawyer and his or her clients that stipulates the following: If they lose the case - the lawyer gets nothing. If they win the case - the clients get nothing.
Criminal lawyers->
Aren’t they all?
Private Reply to Ritu | | Mar 08, 2008 5:30 pm | | lawyers n light bulbs | # |
Ritu | | Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A2: Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the
ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
A3: Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying
power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb
burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired
the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
A4: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object,
one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter,
one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one
to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to
change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
A5:Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."Private Reply to Ritu | | Mar 31, 2008 12:59 am | | re: lawyers n light bulbs | # | 
S Z | | A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel. The bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded, "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be."
"My second husband was from Software Services: he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation."
"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up."
"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'"
"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver."
"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."
"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it."
"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it."
"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was... God I miss him! So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
"Why is that," asked the lawyer. "Well, it should be obvious. You're a lawyer. I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"Private Reply to S Z | | Apr 11, 2008 4:18 pm | | lawyers--nfaqs | # |
Ritu | | While a lawyer joke a day won’t keep the lawyers away, it still feels good to laugh at lawyers as often as possible.
You’ll soon discover that there’s no better way to start the day (or for that matter end the day) than having a good laugh at a lawyer’s expense. So without further ado, please enjoy the Lawyer Jokes!
Lawyers -- non frequently asked questions
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: To sue the chicken on the other side.
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer:
A: All the information you need - but you can't understand a word of it.
Q: What do honest lawyers and UFO's have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.
Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think He's a lawyer.
Private Reply to Ritu | | Apr 21, 2008 2:32 pm | | re: lawyers--nfaqs | # |
charuhasan | | There was a wall between heaven and hell that fell down in a heaven-quake with a huge hole that divided the only two countries that existed above earth. The residents of hell were enjoying the glorious breeze that came through the gap. The residents of heaven colleted there and tried to close the hole and the beneficiaries of the hell objected. The heaven dwellers threatened to file a suit for mandatory injunction to rebuild the wall in the Supreme Court of God. The people in hell laughed. When the heaven’s men asked, “Why do you laugh?”
The answer was “ YOU HAVE NO ..LAWYERS ”
Private Reply to charuhasan | | Jun 11, 2008 7:20 am | | Yet another Lawyer joke!! | # |
Ritu | | Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’
She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’ t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. ‘
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’
Private Reply to Ritu | | Jul 22, 2008 6:31 am | | re: Yet another Lawyer joke!! | # | 
Swetha Mourougane | | very interesting :) Private Reply to Swetha Mourougane | | Aug 17, 2008 9:38 am | | re: re: Yet another Lawyer joke!! | # |
Ritu | | Prosecutor: What were you doing on July 15 at 9 o'clock in the evening?
Prisoner: I was eating hamburger.
Prosecutor: What were you doing at 9:30 p.m.?
Prisoner: I was taking a bicarbonate of soda.
Prosecutor: Do you expect us to believe you?
Prisoner: You would if you had eaten one of those hamburgers.
Private Reply to Ritu | | Sep 23, 2008 5:45 pm | | re: re: re: Yet another Lawyer joke!! | # |
Ritu | | Category :Law jokes which are actually not on lawyers!
Sub-category: PJs
John went to see his lawyer about a divorce.
"What grounds do you think you have for a divorce?" the lawyer asked.
"It's my wife's manners," said John. "She has such bad table manners that she is disgracing the whole family."
"That's bad," the lawyer said. "How long have you been married?"
"Nine years," said John.
"If you have been able to put up with her table manners for nine years, I can't understand why you want a divorce now," the lawyer said.
"WELL," said John, "I DIDN'T KNOW IT BEFORE. I JUST BOUGHT A BOOK OF ETIQUETTE THIS MORNING."
______________________________________
The judge was questioning Mulla Nasrudin. "I understand that your wife is scared to death of you," he said.
"That's right, your Honor," said the Mulla.
The judge leaned over and whispered in his ear, "Man to man," he said, "HOW DO YOU DO IT?"
______________________________________
A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."
_______________________________________
When Santa & his wife filed an application for divorce, the Judge asked: "How will you divide, you have 3 children?"
Pat came Santa's reply: "Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR."
_______________________________________
Private Reply to Ritu | | Oct 10, 2008 3:40 am | | re: re: re: re: Yet another Lawyer joke!! | # |
Ritu | | Yup,it's a law joke & I found it pretty amusing
 Private Reply to Ritu | | Oct 14, 2008 4:25 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Yet another Lawyer joke!! | # |
Ritu | | A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”
The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”
Private Reply to Ritu | | Oct 19, 2008 8:21 pm | | If you Love someone | # |
Ritu | | If you love someone, set her free.
If she come back she's yours;
If she doesn’t she never was.
However, in today’s world, this quote finds its own MODERN VERSIONS:
Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, as expected, she never was
Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
Don’t worry, she will come back .
Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient:
if you love someone, set her free...
if she doesn't come back within a week, forget her.
Patient:
if you love someone, set her free...
if she doesn't come back, put your life on hold and sit and wait.
Playful
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat …
The FBI agent:
if you love someone, set her free...
then put bug on her phone and surveillance cameras in her house.
C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she = new CShe;
The Human Ecologist:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyer:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second
Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom
Lawyer:
if you love someone, set her free...
then sue her for emotional distress.
Statisticians :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming
back is high
If she doesn’t, your relation was improbable
anyway.
Over possessive person :
If you love someone
don’t set her free.
MBA :
If you love someone set her free instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously
The Psycho:
if you love someone, set her free...
if she doesn't come back, go & shoot her.
The Creepy Sociopath:
if you love someone, set her free..
then stalk her.
Marketing Specialist:
If you love someone set her free.
If she comes back she has brand loyalty.
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new market.
Psychologist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn’t come back her id is supreme
If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.
Somnambulist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back it’s a nightmare
If she doesn’t, you must be dreaming
To emphasise the point that this indeed is a lawyer joke lemme add the relevant parts once again
Lawyer:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second
Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom
Lawyer:
if you love someone, set her free...
then sue her for emotional distress.
Private Reply to Ritu | | Oct 27, 2008 2:26 pm | | re: If you Love someone | # |
7 Th Thinking Hat | | Ritu,your two contradictory answers from lawyers reminded me of what I heard several years before: that lawyers somtimes say one thing through their mouth and at some other times say the contradictory through the opposite orifice. Private Reply to 7 Th Thinking Hat | | Oct 29, 2008 4:48 am | | re: re: If you Love someone | # |
Ritu | | Yeah,exactly...& perhaps they never say what they mean n never mean what they say...but i thot such things happened only in lawyer jokes...u mean they are really like this?? Life imitating jokes..or jokes imitating life???
~~Mulla Nasrudin was in an accident and sued the insurance company for $1,000 and won his case. When he received his check; he called on his lawyer to settle up.
"How much do I owe you?" he asked the lawyer.
"Well," said the lawyer, "I will tell you how it is. Since I am an old friend of your's and your father before you, my fee will be only $900."
"I am sure glad," said Nasrudin as he made out his check for $900, "THAT YOU WERE NOT A FRIEND OF MY GRANDFATHER'S TOO."
Private Reply to Ritu | | Nov 26, 2008 5:07 pm | | | # |
Ritu | | Three lawyers and three MBA's are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the MBA's each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the lawyers.
They all board the train. The MBA's take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The MBA's discussed this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the MBA's decide to copy the lawyers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the lawyers don't buy any tickets at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a lawyer.
When they board the train the three MBA's cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the MBA's are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Private Reply to Ritu | | Nov 29, 2008 7:58 pm | | Sharks & Lawyers--A study in the similarities | # |
Ritu | | Sharks & Lawyers--A study in the similarities
Shark comes from the German ÷schurke, meaning greedy parasite.
While no brave soul has gotten close enough to determine where
lawyers come from, logic and common sense dictate a similar
derivation.
Sharks, unlike most fish, have no bones; their skeletons are made
entirely of cartilage. Lawyers, too, are spineless à as willing to
argue one side of a case as the other. For the right price.
Best known as scavengers of the dead and dying, sharks have well-
honed sensors with which they can track the sounds of other injured
and struggling beings. They are also equipped with fine sense of
smell that allow them to detect minute dilutions of blood
(one part blood to one million parts water)
up to one-quarter mile away.
Precisely the distance a hopeful personal injury lawyer will run
behind an ambulance to toss a business card.
From the moment of birth, shark skin is tough and rough covered with
thousands of tiny hard teeth call denticles that abrade any passerby
made of softer stuff. Lawyers are also thick-skinned. Easily
identified by their humorlessness and abrasive personalities, they
are the bane of many social gatherings.
A shark will swallow anything à up to half its own size in one gulp.
Several hundred years ago, a naturalist wrote that the headless body
of a knight in armor was found in a white shark's stomach. Inside
another was more recently found a sea lion, a horse and the body of
another seven-foot-long shark. Lawyers, too, will swallow anything à
even their pride à as increasing numbers of lawyer hopefuls trudge to
law school each year for three years of browbeating in the hopes of
financing their Porsches.
Some sharks even prey on their own kind. The smell and taste of
blood in the water can trigger them into an obsessed feeding frenzy,
in which they often eat their own bodies while twisting and turning
to get more food. This is not unlike the litigation frenzy, where
lawyers are pitted against other lawyers, and ultimately themselves,
to waste reams of paper while losing sight of a fair resolution for
their clients.
Ichthyologists à scientists who study fish à contend that sharks,
dreaded carnivores of the deep, have simply been given a bad rap.
They may stalk, snap at and swallow their prey alive, but, after all,
they have to eat. So far, no one has successfully defended lawyers
for preying on an unwitting public. Beyond that, the similarities
between the two species make them well-nigh indistinguishable.
Private Reply to Ritu | | Dec 09, 2008 5:42 am | | | # |
Ritu | | What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's a fish.
What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
One's slimy and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
Private Reply to Ritu | | Dec 09, 2008 5:44 am | | | # |
Ritu | | Why do behavioral scientists prefer lawyers to rats for their experiments?
1) there are more of the lawyers to work with,
2) lawyers are more expendable,
3) lawyers do more harm to society than rats,
4) lab assistants are less likely to develop a bond or feel sympathy for lawyers,
5) rats arouse more feelings of compassion and humanity,
6) rats have an innate right to life and liberty,
7) rats have more dignity, and
8) there are some things even a rat won't do.
What is the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments?
It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
Private Reply to Ritu | | Dec 25, 2008 7:18 am | | Merry Christmas | # |
Ritu | |  Private Reply to Ritu | | Dec 26, 2008 5:24 am | | re: Merry Christmas | # |
Urvashi Basak | | Merry Christmas to all! Private Reply to Urvashi Basak | | Jan 01, 2009 12:49 pm | | re: re: A happy new 2009! | # |
Urvashi Basak | | Enjoy the blooms of 2009. But let us also bow in remembrance of those who couldn’t embrace 2009. May 2009’s warmth dispel gloom and fear from our hearts. Let us raise a toast to 2009’s health. Wish you and your loved ones a rocking, happy 2009! Private Reply to Urvashi Basak | | Jan 02, 2009 4:46 pm | | & A Happy New Year--Ekdum Lawyer Style | # |
Ritu | |  Private Reply to Ritu | | Jan 16, 2009 5:04 pm | | | # |
Ritu | | A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, Do you serve lawyers here?
Sure do, replied the bartender.
Good, said the man. Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator. Private Reply to Ritu | | |
| |
| |
